


The Mating Frenzy

by Anonymous



Category: Naruto
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Baby making, Bad Matchmaking, Bad Pick-Up Lines, Bondage, Breeding, Comedy, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dark Comedy, Dirty Jokes, Double Entendre, Drama, Drunken Flirting, Drunken Kissing, Euphemisms, Extremely Dubious Consent, F/M, Friendship, Funny, Gen, Guaranteed to make you laugh, Horny Teenagers, Humor, Implied Nudity, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Inappropriate Humor, Innuendo, Love Letters, Matchmaking, Mating, Multi, Other, Parody, Pining, Pregnancy, Puns & Word Play, Romance, Romantic Comedy, Sex Education, Sex Talk, Sexual Humor, Shipping, So much Innuendo, Spanking, Stripping, Suggestive Themes, Voyeurism, inappropriate use of jutsu, ninja want snu snu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-07-25
Updated: 2007-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:01:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 65,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26547937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: After the attacks by Orochimaru and the Sand, Konoha’s population is dangerously low. Desperate times call for extreme measures, and Tsunade issues a priority S class mission to every Leaf ninja: to pair off and start making babies!
Relationships: Aburame Shino/Hyuuga Hinata, Aburame Shino/Yamanaka Ino, Akimichi Chouji/Haruno Sakura, Akimichi Chouji/Temari, Akimichi Chouji/Voyeurism, Akimichi Chouji/Yamanaka Ino, Deidara/Yamanaka Ino, Everyone/Everyone, Gaara (Naruto)/Original Female Character(s), Gaara/Hyuuga Hinata, Gaara/Yamanaka Ino, Hagane Kotetsu/Kamizuki Izumo/Mitarashi Anko, Haruno Sakura/Hyuuga Neji, Haruno Sakura/Nara Shikamaru, Haruno Sakura/Rock Lee, Haruno Sakura/Uchiha Itachi, Haruno Sakura/Uchiha Sasuke, Haruno Sakura/Uchiha Sasuke/Yamanaka Ino, Haruno Sakura/Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura/Uzumaki Naruto/Yamanaka Ino, Hatake Kakashi/Mitarashi Anko/Umino Iruka, Hatake Kakashi/Shizune, Hidan/Tayuya, Hoshigaki Kisame/Tsunade, Hoshigaki Kisame/Yamanaka Ino, Hyuuga Hinata/Inuzuka Kiba, Hyuuga Hinata/Nara Shikamaru, Hyuuga Hinata/Rock Lee, Hyuuga Hinata/Uchiha Sasuke, Hyuuga Hinata/Uzumaki Naruto, Hyuuga Neji/Tenten, Ichibi | One-tail | Shukaku/Yamanaka Ino, Inuzuka Hana/Hyuuga Neji, Inuzuka Hana/Kankurou, Inuzuka Hana/Uzumaki Naruto, Jiraiya/Tsunade (Naruto), Kankuro/Tenten, Karin/Uchiha Sasuke, Kyuubi | Nine-tails | Kurama/Hyuuga Hinata, Maito Gai | Might Guy/Mitarashi Anko, Mitarashi Anko/Jiraya, Mitarashi Anko/Morino Ibiki, Mitarashi Anko/Umino Iruka, Nara Shikamaru/Everyone, Nara Shikamaru/Temari, Nara Shikamaru/Tenten, Nara Shikamaru/Yamanaka Ino, Rock Lee/Tenten, Sai/Yamanaka Ino, Sarutobi Asuma/Yuuhi Kurenai, Shiranui Genma/Shizune, Tayuya/Tobi, Temari/Uzumaki Naruto, Tenten/Uchiha Sasuke, Tenten/Uzumaki Naruto, Uchiha Itachi/Yamanaka Ino, Uchiha Sasuke/Yamanaka Ino, Uzumaki Naruto/Yamanaka Ino
Comments: 26
Kudos: 94
Collections: Anonymous





	1. A New Mission

**Author's Note:**

> [ I originally published this to fanfiction.net under the name MSkyDragons in 2006-2007. Even though I abandoned that account over a decade ago, I wanted to archive my work here with improved formatting and other minor edits ]

**T** sunade looked around the room of her Hokage office. The many shinobi of the leaf village that she had called into the office were staring at her intently, wondering why the emergency meeting had been called. Nearly every single ninja was there: genins, chuunins, jounins, and even a few ANBU.

Naruto could barely keep himself still.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto whispered, "What's going on? Why did our mission get canceled?"

Kakashi shrugged.

"Er…" Naruto scrunched up his face. Sasuke glared at Naruto with annoyance. Sakura sighed.

Asuma leaned over to Kakashi and whispered into his ear.

"My team's missions were canceled also, as well as Kurenai's and Gai's. Nearly all the missions seem to have been canceled."

"Hmmm…" Kakashi said.

Suddenly, Tsunade stood up and cleared her throat, signaling the whispering to stop. All the shinobis gave their Hokage their full attention.

"I have called you all to this meeting to explain why all non-emergency missions have been temporarily canceled," Tsunade began, "and to issue a special S-class priority mission to every single ninja in Konoha…"

There were several looks of surprise and curiosity in the audience of ninja crammed together in the Hokage's office.

"Every single ninja?" a random jounin repeated.

"Yes," Tsunade continued, "How can I explain this…Well, it's no secret that Konoha is in trouble population wise. So many of our people have been killed off in recent conflicts that there are continually fewer and fewer children that reach the entry level of the ninja academy…By my calculations, after the attacks by Orochimaru, the Sound, and the Sand at the chuunin exam, the next generation of ninjas will be down 85 percent...but of course, I'm no mathematician…"

Tsunade took a dramatic pause, "It will be the death of Konoha."

In turn there were some dramatic looks from the audience.

"Don't look so down," Tsunade smiled, "I have a rather simple, yet logical solution…by way of the S-class mission."

There were some hopeful and interested looks among the ninjas, as they hung onto each and every word Tsunade uttered, her breasts bouncing up and down.

"Your mission is…" Tsunade leaned on her desk dramatically.

The shinobis leaned closer and listened intently—except for Kakashi who had gone back to looking at his questionable reading material. Plus the ANBU were in the back playing rock-paper-scissors.

"Your mission, effective immediately, is to pair off, and start making babies as if you were rabbits high off the heat of the mating season."

Tsunade smiled at the obvious cleverness of her plan.

A few jaws dropped to the floor. Kakashi blinked. Iruka stammered. Jiraiya began to giggle pervertedly. Naruto looked confused. Gai suddenly began to smile and jumped forward giving the thumbs up.

"Ah yes, Hokage-sama! What a grand mission!" Gai's teeth sparkled, "I cannot wait to spread my seeds of youthfulness to the youthful women of Konoha! We shall all embrace our youthfulness together!"

Gagging sounds erupted from several ninja in the back as Gai began to trail off, "I don't know why I didn't think of this before…"

Tsunade waited for Gai's outburst to die down before she spoke again.

"Any questions?"

Kakashi turned to see Naruto jumping up and down waving his hand in the air. Kakashi sweat-dropped. This couldn't be good.

"Yes, Naruto?" Tsunade called out to him.

Naruto scrunched up his face and opened his big mouth.

"I don't understand the mission!" Naruto yelled loud enough for every shinobi in the room to hear, "What does 'pairing off' have to do with making babies? Don't you have to get married to have babies? What do you mean 'make' babies? I don't get it!" Naruto whined.

Tsunade and every other mature person in the room sweat-dropped. Oh dear.

"Oy, Hokage-sama," Kakashi said as he noticed similar confused faces among the young genins and a certain chuunin, "I think it is important to note that some of the young nin here seem to have not received the whole 'birds and bees' talk."

Tsunade sighed.

Naruto looked up at Kakashi, "…the what?"

"This is only a minor setback," Tsunade said turning to Kakashi, Asuma, Gai, Kurenai, and their teams, "You four, take care of it."

"What?"

"Take them wherever and explain to them the facts of life."

Kakashi blinked. Asuma looked horrified as his cigarette fell to the floor. Gai smiled and sparkled. Meanwhile, Kurenai checked out Kakashi, Asuma, and Gai.

"Everyone else in the room is dismissed. There will be another meeting later where I will explain more, to the males and females separately." Tsunade said as she left. She didn't want to reveal all the juicy details of their mission right off.

And with that, everybody went on their way, leaving Kakashi, Asuma, Kurenai, and Gai to look down at their students' curious and disinterested stares.

~*~

> The Talk

~*~

_Kakashi's way_

In a shimmering green field in the middle of nowhere…

"And so then, when the woman and the man love each other very much," Kakashi smiled mischievously under his mask, "This happens!"

Kakashi turned to the next page in Come Come Paradise, and held it up for Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke to see.

Naruto's eyes were so wide they were about to bug out. Sasuke was twitching uncontrollably as blood trickled down his nose. Sakura had a silent scream on her face as she was quickly turning blue.

Kakashi giggled and turned a few pages, and held up the book again, "And here's what 'making babies' looks like!"

~*~

_Gai's way_

Near a bridge with a babbling brook…

"…and so, the lotus blooms from their love for each other," Gai made some sweeping hand movements and danced around his students, "So too, can the lotus bloom for you!"

"YAY! GAI-sensei!" Lee clapped enthusiastically as Gai bowed, having just finished his explanation of the "birds and the bees" through euphemism-filled poetry and interpretive dance.

Neji looked every so slightly ill with embarrassment.

On the other hand, with this new found information, Tenten blushed profusely as she checked out Neji's ass.

~*~

_Asuma's way_

At Asuma's apartment…

Asuma stared at his students.

Ino, Chouji, and Shikamaru stared at him.

Asuma took a drag of his cigarette.

"Uh…sensei?" Ino questioned.

Asuma blinked as though he suddenly remembered something and reached over and got something from his satchel.

"Here's a porno video. There's the TV. I'll be back in an hour…" and with that Asuma left.

Shikamaru glanced at the videotape that was thrust into his hand and blinked.

"Eh?"

~*~

_Kurenai's way_

In a woodland clearing full of flowers…

"How about open questions time," Kurenai began, "Any questions?"

Kiba, Hinata, and Shino are silent.

Crickets chirp.

"O…K," Kurenai sighed, "How about a demonstration?"

"Huh…wha?"

That got their attention.

"Kiba!"

"Yes, sensei?"

"You be the woman, and Shino can be the man…"

Kiba nearly dropped dead. Shino looked slightly worried.

"Hey…wait sensei!" Kiba sounded desperate, "I don't need this; I already know this stuff since my family works with dogs…I mean… I saw when Akamaru was born!"

Kurenai smiled. Her students were finally contributing to the discussion.

"Ok, explain it to your teammates, then."

Kiba's sweat poured from his face, but then he came up with something.

"Akamaru!"

"Bark! Bark!"

Kiba reached into his satchel and pulled out a stuffed, hand-puppet toy dog and tossed it over to Akamaru.

"Bark! Bark!"

"What's that…" Hinata asked sheepishly.

Kiba smirked, "That's Akamaru's 'Special Friend'…"

Akamaru pounced upon his stuffed "girlfriend."

"What…is he doing?"

~*~

1,000 years of therapy was needed all around.


	2. Trauma

**K** akashi ignored the squeals emanating from his young students and smiled, flipping to a different section of the book, holding it up for them to see.

"And this, boys and girls, is what a threesome looks like!"

Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura's eyes went wide as they clung to each other in their shared horror. But, once they realized that they were in fact touching, and that they numbered three, they threw their arms into the air, screamed, and backed up 20 yards in different directions away from each other.

"Oy!" Kakashi called out to them, "Don't you want to see the chapters on oral sex and foursomes? Those are especially fun!"

~*~

> The Morning After

~*~

"So, how did your talk with your students go?"

Asuma, Kakashi, Gai, and Kurenai were all sitting at a restaurant, having met for breakfast this morning.

Kakashi sweat-dropped.

Gai jumped up on the table, "It was a youthful display of youthfulness! They loved every moment of my explanation as they breathed in the blooming lotus of love!"

Asuma blinked.

"Well," Kurenai began, "My explanation went fine, but it was a bit of a waste in that both Kiba and Shino didn't even need the talk…"

"Really?" the other teachers said.

Kurenai sighed, "At least Kiba _said_ so, since he's seen lots of his family's dogs 'doing it'…but it took forever to get Shino to say anything."

"And?"

"It turns out…" Kurenai said, "that Shino is a sex therapist…to his insects!"

"Whoa…" Asuma's cigarette fell out of his mouth.

"Yeah, for when the bugs are having…marital…problems…"

Kakashi blinked.

"So, Asuma, how did yours go?"

Asuma lit up a cigarette, "Mine went…a little _too_ well."

That lit up a light bulb of interest in all the instructors' faces.

"Well…" Asuma began as he had a flashback, "I gave them an… instructional educational video to watch for an hour. But, when I got back, I found Ino with her tongue stuck down Shikamaru's throat!"

Looks of surprise were found on the other teachers.

Asuma sighed, "Turns out Shikamaru fell asleep half way through the video, so, since it was dark, Ino decided to practice 'making-out' with Shikamaru, who she pretended was Sasuke."

There was a pause.

"What did Chouji do?"

"Chouji ate popcorn and watched the show."

"The video?"

"No, Ino and Shikamaru."

There was an awkward silence.

"So…Kakashi, how did your explanation of the facts of life go?"

Kakashi shrugged.

"They'll…live."

~*~

Tsunade rustled the papers around in her office, as she contemplated her next move. She had nearly finished filling out the mission details of operation "Multiply Like Rabbits."

"Shizune!" She called out to her assistant, "Shizune! I need you to go send out for another ninja meeting!"

"Yes?" Shizune answered.

"Call a meeting for all the male ninjas this afternoon," Tsunade explained, "And a meeting for the women tonight."

"Yes, Hokage-sama," and Shizune paused before she left the room.

"Hokage-same, is this really a wise idea? Won't we be weakened if every single woman in the Leaf is pregnant?"

"Don't worry, Shizune," Tsunade smiled cleverly, "I've already sent out a request to our new allies of the Sand. They're sending some people over to help with the defense of Konoha."

The worry left Shizune's face.

"So go ahead and find yourself a hott studly man, Shizune!" Tsunade smiled.

Shizune saluted enthusiastically, "Yes, ma'am!"

~*~

After Kakashi's _gentle_ introduction of the birds and the bees to his team, Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura could not even look at each other. Well, actually Naruto and Sasuke could look at each other, but when they looked at Sakura or Sakura looked at them…

"OH GOD! THE MENTAL IMAGES! ACK!"

And so Sakura ran off far away from Naruto and Sasuke to go talk with Ino, and Naruto and Sasuke ran off to go find comfort with their male peers.

...Apparently, the others had a similar idea, because soon, Naruto and Sasuke met up with Chouji, Shikamaru, Neji, Lee, Kiba, and Shino at the local restaurant.

~*~

As they sat round the breakfast table, Sasuke was twitching uncontrollably as blood ran down his nose, Naruto was bleeding from his ears if that's even possible, Neji looked much paler than usual, Kiba had a raised eyebrow, Shino was just kind of there, and Chouji was chewing so loudly that he couldn't hear what Shikamaru was saying.

Apparently, after they had arrived for breakfast, Lee had done a stunning reenactment of Gai's interpretive dance on the facts of life. There had been much gagging all around. But then Shikamaru began to casually describe all the sexual acts that he saw on the porno vid, causing bleeding and fainting all around. And now…

"And so then, I woke up, my mouth tasting like tongue, to Ino yelling 'Oh Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke'," Shikamaru said plainly, "…It was so troublesome…"

Naruto began to laugh as Sasuke started having convulsions.

Lee began to clap because he thought Sasuke was doing an interpretive dance of his own.

Neji had flashbacks to Tenten grabbing his butt.

"Man, I wish some girl would stick her tongue down _my_ throat…" Kiba thought silently.

~*~

Similarly, Ino, Sakura, Hinata, and Tenten found themselves at a different eating place, you know, the one that Naruto always likes to eat at.

Sakura was in the middle of a rant.

"…the horror! …The mental images! The horror!" Sakura whined, "My sensei is a pervert!"

"Mental images?" Ino scoffed, "You should have SEEN that porno video…"

Sakura twitched.

"Spill it, sista'!" Tenten exclaimed.

"Well," Ino smirked, "It WAS pretty gross…until I envisioned that it was Sasuke on the screen doing those _things_ to ME…"

Sakura fumed.

"Oh…" Hinata peeped in her sheepish voice. It reminded her that she had wished that she was Akamaru, and that Naruto was the stuffed toy.

"Ah…" Tenten said dreamily, "What else?"

Ino grinned, "Later on in the video, there were these two really hott guys that randomly started making out! It was so hot!"

"So…hot…" Sakura, Tenten, and Hinata repeated as if in a trance.

~*~

"ATTENTION! All male ninja's report to the Hokage's office!" a random messenger dude was shouting as he ran down the street and past the restaurant.

Unluckily for Naruto and company, they happened to be dining in the same restaurant as their senseis, who quickly noticed them and dragged them off to the meeting with Tsunade.

Except, of course, Kurenai, who is a woman.

Her male students, Kiba and Shino, decided to go with Gai's team to the meeting, since, out of the three senseis, he seemed the most… _normal_.

~*~

Of all people, Jiraiya was the first to arrive at Tsunade's office. Tsunade's eyebrow twitched involuntarily.

Jiraiya fluffed up his hair, and sprayed his mouth with some fresh breath stuff before waltzing over to Tsunade.

"Hey, baby," Jiraiya said, leaning on Tsunade's desk.

Tsunade sighed. He was so obviously drunk.

"Wanna go make some children?" Jiraiya said smoothly.

Tsunade chuckled, leaned back in her chair and put her feet up on the desk.

"Oh, Jiraiya," Tsunade looked amused, "You forget my age…"

Jiraiya hiccupped, "Eh?"

"I'm menopausal!" Tsunade said, as she heard a door creak.

"…your what?" a voice from the back said.

Tsunade looked over to see all the guys from the restaurant that had just walked through the door.

Naruto pulled on Kakashi's jacket.

"Sensei!" Naruto whined, "What's menopause?"

Kakashi sweat-dropped.

Not again…


	3. Mission Details

**J** ust as soon as Naruto had innocently asked Kakashi-sensei, "What's menopause?" did Sasuke slap a hand over Naruto's mouth and put him in a strangle-hold.

"Are you NUTS?" Sasuke hissed at him, "Do you want us ALL to be subjected to something like yesterday AGAIN?"

Kakashi shot Sasuke a serious glare and Sasuke sweat-dropped, immediately releasing Naruto.

Then Kakashi nonchalantly whipped out Come Come Paradise and flipped to the index.

"I know you'll be just devastated to learn, Sasuke," Kakashi sighed, "That there is nothing in my book that covers menopause."

Sasuke breathed a sigh of relief.

"But I want to know what it is!" Naruto whined.

Tsunade sighed as the room filled with more and more male ninja.

"Naruto," Tsunade smirked, "There's no time for that right now. But, I tell you what…I'll give you a one on one detail-filled explanation all about menopause using my medical book full of big, _big_ pictures of female anatomy later. How's that?"

Naruto smiled, "Okay!"

~*~

> Tsunade's Three Step Program

~*~

"Since everyone, including the ANBU have arrived," Tsunade rested her elbows on the desk, "Let's begin."

Some of the male nin decided to sit on the floor since they didn't know how long the meeting would last.

"So, basically," Tsunade began, "I have come up with a three step plan…"

Shizune walked up and presented a large and colorful chart/poster for everyone to look at.

Tsunade got up and grabbed a big pointy stick and starting explaining things.

"First, this three step plan hinges on a three month time period, starting today."

She pointed to some stuff on the chart.

"The first month is set aside for everyone to get to know each other. If you're married, you can get a head start on popping out babies. If you've got a girlfriend, you should consider going ahead and getting married and settling down so that you can start procreating. If you're single, well, you can take this first month to try to find a significant other. If you happen to be gay, or have had certain… required baby-making 'equipment' damaged or lost in a battle… you are free to leave now."

Tsunade looked on as a few shinobi got up and left.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow as Sasuke took this opportunity to try and sneak out a window, but Kakashi grabbed him by his collar and dragged him back to his seat.

"Now, back to the mission," Tsunade continued, "If, by the first month, you all haven't been productive enough, phase two will take place at the beginning of the second month."

Eyes followed Tsunade as she walked back over to her desk.

"Certain…conditions and stipulations will be in effect in the second month," Tsunade smirked, "In order to speed up…the process."

A few eyebrows and questioning looks were raised.

"For example, the first week of the second month, I, as Hokage, shall decree that no male ninja may wear _any_ sort of clothing from the waist, up."

There were a few gasps. Kakashi was so stunned that he dropped Come Come Paradise. It made a thudding sound as it hit the floor.

Tsunade smiled, "With a bunch of steamy, shirtless, manly-men ninja walking down the street, it shouldn't take too long for somebody to jump your bones!"

Suddenly it hit Naruto what this meant.

"Yay! I'll finally get to see Kakashi-sensei's face!" Naruto nudged Sasuke.

Kakashi looked at his precious book on the floor and twitched uncontrollably.

"Then, if that doesn't do the job, for the second week of the second month…well… that's a secret." Tsunade laughed.

The male ninja gave each other worried looks.

"But, all you need to know is that on the third week, there will be NO PANTS!"

Tsunade pointed to a diagram on the poster of a pants-less ninja drawing.

Several of the men's eyes nearly bugged out. There were a few protests.

Tsunade shrugged, "See…this is why you should put forth an effort to spread your 'seeds of youthfulness' as Gai so kindly put it, _before_ next month."

There was a long pause.

"Um…you said this is a three month plan," a random jounin gulped, "…what happens in the third month?"

Tsunade sat back in her chair.

"It's simple really," Tsunade replied, "For any female nin that still needs a hook up, I will personally pair up with a compatible male. To put it simply you receive a more _specific_ assignment."

"…compatible male?" a different random ninja asked.

"Well," Tsunade said, "I guess I would pick a male ninja that has a special bloodline or unique skills…so that it will be passed on for the betterment of Konoha."

At the mention of 'bloodline' and 'unique skills' Sasuke began to have a panic attack.

In turn, Neji began to twitch.

"Well, I guess that covers it," Tsunade concluded, "Any questions?"

Silence.

Crickets chirped.

"Can't we just have an orgy?" Jiraiya yelled from the back, waving his arms.

"No." Tsunade stated sternly.

Just as all the male ninjas were about to leave…

"Oh, I just remembered!

They stopped.

"I have an assignment for everyone due tomorrow. Write your name on a piece of paper. Then, write the names of 5 women you wouldn't mind having relations with, and why."

There were a few groans from the nin.

"I need this for my records and it will aid you in completion of the mission, trust me! Dismissed."

~*~

As Kakashi bent down to pick up his questionable reading material, Gai came up to him and put a hand on his shoulder.

"Kakashi, my eternal rival!" Gai exclaimed enthusiastically, "I have a new challenge for you, since it is my turn to pick!"

Kakashi grimaced slightly.

"I pledge that I will get more chicks than you in three months or as a punishment I will strip naked and do ten thousand cartwheels around Konoha while juggling kittens!" Gai struck a pose with a thumbs up and his signature smile.

Kakashi nearly dropped his book again.

~*~

Kurenai had spent all afternoon looking for the girls. But, finally she found them.

"There you are…" Kurenai said as she walked into Asuma's apartment.

Ino, Sakura, Hinata, and Tenten moved to hide what was on the TV screen and tried to look innocent.

"…We've got to go to the women ninja meeting with Tsunade in an hour." Kurenai continued as she began to look curiously at the girls, "What are you watching?"

They slowly uncovered the TV and went back to watching the movements on the screen, totally mesmerized.

"Oh…ah… hmmm." Kurenai trailed off as she took a seat.

Soon they were all munching popcorn… red blushes spreading across their faces.

~*~

It wasn't long before Kakashi, Asuma, and Gai had their male students out in the middle of a field, 'helping' them to fill out their 'homework' from Tsunade. And when I say 'helping' I mean forcing.

Oh, and Kiba and Shino were there also.

Naruto was having a hard time coming up with names. He scrunched up his face.

Kiba was having fun thinking up all the girls he'd love to bang.

Shino, like Sasuke, was staring at a blank piece of paper.

Sasuke was still twitching. Kakashi noticed his dilemma.

"Sasuke," Kakashi put a hand on his shoulder, "This is a trying situation for everyone. I realize that it is difficult…but didn't you once say one of your goals in life was to revive your clan? This is the perfect opportunity."

And with that, Kakashi smiled and walked off to stare at his blank piece of paper.

Kakashi looked over to see Gai scribbling furiously, all the while flashing smiles and thumbs ups. Kakashi sweat-dropped.

A little ways over, Chouji was too busy eating to write anything, and Shikamaru was napping.

By the time Sasuke finished flashbacking, angsting, and brooding over the mention of reviving his clan, Naruto was done with his list.

But, then, with great resolve, Sasuke began to fill out his list, sweat pouring from his brow.

After about an hour he and a few of the others were done.

~*~

_Naruto's list_

Name: Naruto the future HOKAGE!

1\. Sakura… reason: Sakura is awesome and pretty and smart and…stuff!

2\. Hinata… reason: She's nice but she seems kinda quiet…

3\. Tenten… reason: She's a girl, right?

4\. Ino… reason: I don't know many girl names!

5\. Uh…Sakura again? reason: I don't know anybody else!

~*~

_Sasuke's list_

Name: Sasuke Uchiha

1\. Tenten… reason: Not obsessed with me.

2\. Hinata… reason: Not obsessed with me.

3\. Sakura… reason: Then maybe she would shut up.

4\. Ino… reason: Then maybe she would shut up.

5\. Any other girl my age… reason: I don't care.

~*~

_Shino's list (which he arranged not by importance, but in alphabetical order)_

Name: Shino

1\. Hinata… reason: breathing female.

2\. Ino… reason: breathing female.

3\. Sakura… reason: breathing female.

4\. Shizune…reason: breathing female.

5\. Tenten… reason: breathing female.

~*~

As Kakashi tapped his pencil in contemplation, trying to decide what to write, he happened to look over at Gai, who smiled and held up his papers to see.

Kakashi blinked.

Gai had written ten pages worth of names.


	4. Too Much Information

**S** asuke and Naruto, having completed their lists, handed their papers to Kakashi, who glanced over them before nodding, letting them know that they had completed the task satisfactorily.

"You're free to go, now." Kakashi said.

Sasuke immediately took off running to go hide in his room, even though he knew he was probably only delaying the inevitable. He figured it was only a matter of time before a zillion girls he did and didn't know would come a knockin' at his door.

Naruto, on the other hand, decided to hang around and see what the other guys were doing.

~*~

> List o' names

~*~

Asuma noticed that Kakashi's students were already finished, so he decided he better check on Chouji and Shikamaru.

Asuma walked over to find Chouji stuffing himself with potato chips, while Shikamaru was stretched out, looking at the clouds pass by.

"Are you guys done?" Asuma asked, bending down to look at them.

"Yeah," Chouji said, holding up his and Shikamaru's papers.

Asuma glanced at Shikamaru's paper and groaned.

It looked something like this:

~*~

Name: Too troublesome…

1\. Too troublesome…

~*~

Asuma sighed, but then he looked at Chouji's list and did a double take.

"Chouji!" Asuma exclaimed, holding the paper out in front of him for Chouji to see, "This is a grocery list!"

Chouji blinked, "Oops…"

~*~

Name: Chouji

1\. Chips

2\. Meat

3\. Noodles

4\. Milk

5\. Bread

~*~

"I guess I got confused…" Chouji explained.

"Well," Asuma sighed, "Redo it. …And, if Shikamaru doesn't look like he's going to fill out his, feel free to fill it out for him."

~*~

Meanwhile, Lee had just presented his paper to Gai. Lee smiled at his sensei. Gai looked at the paper intently.

Suddenly Gai put his hands on Lee's shoulders and looked into his eyes sympathetically.

"Lee," Gai said, "I do not wish to burst your burning flames of passionate youthfulness, but you cannot write down the same girl's name five times no matter how youthful and luscious like the blooming lotus she is."

Lee looked slightly downcast.

"Do not fret, Lee!" Gai said, jumping up, smiling, with a thumbs up, "With your winning smile and stylish green outfit, the women will find you irresistible!"

"Gai-sensei!" Lee exclaimed with tears of happiness.

"Lee!" Gai hugged his student.

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Gai-sensei!"

Neji, Shino, and Kiba, papers in hand, could only stare. "…?"

~*~

Over in the Hokage's office, the meeting of the female genin, chuunin, jounin, and ANBU with Tsunade was in progress.

Tsunade had just finished an explanation of the three step program's first month, similar to that of what she had said to the male shinobi when…

"And then things will get interesting in the second month when…" Tsunade paused and looked around, "…what's that noise? A…dripping sound?"

A few women in the audience shrugged.

Drip….drip…drip…

Tsunade happened to look up. She narrowed her eyes.

There was Jiraiya, hanging upside down outside the window, with a ridiculous look on his face. Apparently, from where he was hanging, he could see down the breasts of every female ninja in Tsunade's office…including Tsunade. The blood that spilled from his nose made dripping noises as it hit the floor.

Tsunade frowned.

"Jiraiya!" She yelled. All the women turned to look at him in disgust.

"Jiraiya," Tsunade continued as she tapped her fingers on her desk impatiently, "If you didn't know, this is a WOMEN'S only meeting…so, if you don't miraculously grow a vagina within the next 5 seconds…I suggest you LEAVE!"

Jiraiya gulped.

"Heh…heh…" He laughed nervously, as he quickly disappeared from view.

"Ugh." Tsunade sighed, "Now then…as I was saying, there will be some conditions and stipulations during the second month. The first week will be…a surprise…but you don't need to concern yourselves. But, on the second week, there will be a suggested dress code for all female ninja consisting of nothing but bikini tops and short-shorts…"

"YEAH, BABY!" came an ecstatic voice from outside.

A blood vessel was about to pop out of Tsunade's forehead.

"Jiraiya!" Tsunade exclaimed, "When, I said 'leave' I meant LEAVE not 'go around to the other side of the building and sit with your ear against the door'!"

"…" Silence.

"Okay…" Tsunade sighed, "Are there any questions?"

Anko casually raised her hand and stepped forward.

"Yes?"

"Hokage-sama," Anko said with her hands on her hips, "If I am to assume that the dress code is meant to help us attract potential lays…I have a better idea."

"Really?"

Anko smirked as she took off her jacket, "Why don't we all just wear nothing but clothing that consists of sexy, see through fish net material?"

Tsunade thought for a second, "Sure, that sounds fine."

"THERE IS A GOD!" came another outburst.

"JIRAIYA! WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU!"

With that, Jiraiya finally went elsewhere. For real. "Wow," Jiraiya thought to himself giddily as he went to the nearest shop to buy an extra thick notepad, "The way things are going…in three months time I'll have enough material to write TEN more volumes of Come Come Paradise!"

~*~

Naruto ran over to Kiba and Neji who were standing around.

"What'cha doing?" Naruto said excitedly, trying to look over their shoulders to see what they had written.

"Bark! Bark!" Akamaru greeted Naruto as Kiba smirked as he showed off his list to Naruto.

"Check it out!" Kiba said with a smile.

Naruto blinked as he looked it over.

~*~

Name: Kiba

1\. The Hokage's assistant… reason: nice legs.

2\. That chuunin exam proctor with the see-through clothes… reason: huge jugs.

3\. That brown haired girl at the ramen shop…reason: nice rack.

4\. Ino… reason: maybe she'll stick her tongue down _my_ throat.

5\. Hinata… reason: she's a cutie.

~*~

"Huh…" Naruto agreed with a nod, "The girl at the ramen shop sure does have a nice rack full of all sorts of yummy food in the back of the store."

"…what?" Kiba asked blinking.

Naruto quickly lost his train of thought, and his eyes wandered over to Neji's paper.

"OooooOOOooooooOOO, Neji!" Naruto exclaimed with interest.

As soon as Neji saw Naruto staring at his paper, he flinched and quickly moved to hide it away, sweat forming at his brow.

"Neji, Neji, Neji!" Naruto laughed mischievously, his shifty eyes focusing on Kiba.

"What?" Kiba asked curiously moving closer to Naruto and Neji.

"N-nothing." Neji stated.

Naruto smirked and ripped the paper away from Neji before he had a chance to react and showed it to Kiba, much to Neji's horror.

"Check out who's at the top of Neji's list!" Naruto said.

Kiba looked at the paper. At the top of the page were two simple words:

1\. Kiba's sister…

"Dude." Kiba's eyes went wide, "You did not!"

Neji blinked before snatching his paper back and running off to turn it in to Gai.

Kiba pursued him, "Come back, Hyuuga!"

~*~

About 10 minutes later, all the teachers finally (and miraculously) had all the students' papers in hand, despite the fact that Kiba looked very cross.

Kakashi went around and collected all the lists from Gai and Asuma. Then Kakashi spun around.

"Oy, Naruto!" Kakashi called out.

"Yes, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto said enthusiastically as he ran up to him.

Kakashi thrust all the papers into Naruto's hands.

"Eh?" Naruto asked curiously.

Kakashi smiled, "Why don't you go turn these in to Tsunade, since you will be heading over there anyway to get your talk on the wonders of menopause?"

Naruto grinned, "Alright!"

~*~

Naruto arrived at Tsunade's office just as the women's meeting was ending. He caught the tail end of the conversation.

"Remember, I want your lists of preferred men by noon tomorrow!" Tsunade called out.

Naruto struggled to squeeze through the door as several large breasted ninja were trying to leave at the same time.

He passed by Sakura and Ino who were chatting away so intently that they didn't notice him.

"Naruto!" Tsunade said as she noticed him, "Come for your talk, I see?"

"Yeah!" Naruto said enthusiastically, "Plus I've brought these!"

Naruto plopped the papers on the Hokage's desk.

"Thanks, Naruto," Tsunade said as she pulled out her medical book, "Pull up a chair…"

~*~

As soon as Sakura got home, she didn't waste any time filling out her list.

Name: Sakura

1\. Sasuke… reason: There are not enough words to describe his awesomeness.

2\. Lee… reason: He's so hung up on me that if I let him, he would gladly be my man-slave.

3\. Shikamaru…reason: If its dark and I pretend he's Sasuke.

4\. Naruto… reason: If he keeps his mouth shut, it's dark, and I pretend he's Sasuke.

5\. Kakashi-sensei… reason: I can't believe I just wrote that, but I HAVE to find out what's under that mask!

~*~

Three long hours had passed since Naruto had entered Tsunade's office.

"Well, Naruto," Tsunade said as she flipped through her medical book, "I think that covers everything I have on female menstruation and menopause. How about we skip a few pages and move on to the chapter on sexually transmitted diseases complete with pop-up illustrations?"

No answer.

"Naruto?" Tsunade looked up from her book.

Naruto was currently on the floor, passed out, and foaming at the mouth.

"Uh…Naruto?"


	5. Lists and Letters

**S** hikamaru stirred and opened his eyes. He blinked. Instead of clouds, he was now looking at stars. He sighed.

"You finally wake up, Shikamaru?"

Shikamaru turned his head to see Chouji sitting a few feet off, munching some chips.

"Where did everyone go?" Shikamaru said as he sat up, "Where did my list go? Did you turn it in or something?"

Chouji blinked, "Well, everybody got done and left. I turned in our lists, but Asuma said yours was incomplete, so I redid it for you…"

"…you what?"

Chouji then explained what he wrote down to the best of his knowledge.

~*~

Name: Shikamaru

1\. Ino… reason: I like blondes.

2\. Tenten… reason: Her hair reminds me of cinnabuns.

3\. Hinata… reason: She's ok.

4\. Sakura… reason: Her hair reminds me of pork.

5\. Temari… reason: I _really_ like blondes.

~*~

Shikamaru paused.

"That doesn't sound like me at all." Shikamaru said flatly.

Chouji shrugged, "I doubt that it matters _that_ much…"

"You _do_ realize that Temari is not even from our village," Shikamaru sighed, "She's wasn't a very logical choice to put on that list."

Chouji blinked. "Oops…"

Shikamaru closed his eyes and thought for a moment.

"Did you just take your list and copy it word for word to mine?" Shikamaru said as he stood up.

"…maybe." Chouji said with a small smile.

Shikamaru sighed as he helped Chouji up, "This is so troublesome."

~*~

> The lists are in!

~*~

"Naruto, are you…alright?"

Naruto twitched slightly.

Tsunade frowned.

"It couldn't have been that bad, could it?" Tsunade said just before she looked over at her book that currently displayed a rather larger picture of some diseased genitals. Tsunade sweat-dropped.

"Naruto…" Tsunade said softly as she went over and did some medical jutsu on him so that he would stop twitching.

Soon, Naruto was sleeping soundly. Tsunade smiled.

"Hey, Shizune!" the Hokage suddenly called out.

"Yes, ma'am?" Shizune leaned in the doorway and asked.

Tsunade picked up Naruto.

"Can you put Naruto on the couch in the other room? Hopefully he'll wake up in a little bit so that he can make his own way home. It's getting late."

Shizune went over and took Naruto from her. "Yes, Hokage-sama."

Just as soon as Shizune had closed the door and left, Tsunade pranced over to her desk.

She promptly picked up the stack of papers left by Naruto, along with all the many others that had been turned in, leaned back in her chair, and propped her feet up on the desk.

"Now, for some entertainment!"

~*~

Ino sighed happily sitting at her desk in her room. Like Sakura, she had stayed up late to finish her list. Ino picked up and kissed her piece of paper before she sat it down, turned off the light, and went to bed.

~*~

Name: Ino, the future Mrs. Sasuke Uchiha!

1\. Sasuke… reason: He belongs to ME.

2\. Shikamaru… reason: He's a pretty good kisser.

3\. Shino… reason: I'll love to know what he hides under that coat of his.

4\. Kiba… reason: I like puppy dogs.

5\. Neji… reason: Eh, why not?

~*~

Not far off, Tenten was just as thrilled with her list that she stored safely in a drawer before she went to sleep.

~*~

Name: Tenten

1\. Neji… reason: He's got a nice ass.

2\. Kiba… reason: He's got a cute butt.

3\. Iruka… reason: He's old, but he's got a nice ass.

4\. Shikamaru… reason: He's pretty smart, plus he has nice ass.

5\. Asuma… reason: I'd love to squeeze _them_ cheeks!

~*~

Out of the darkness, the sun slowly rose over Konoha. It was the start of a new day.

Naruto wrinkled his nose up as the light shined in on his face. He tried to ignore it and go back to sleep, but he kept getting jolted awake again and again by a strange sound in the distance that started to get louder.

Rustle…rustle…

"…heh…ha ha."

Naruto tried to ignore it.

Rustle…rustle…rustle…

"Phft! HAH haha…"

Naruto turned over and suddenly realized he was staring at a couch. This wasn't his room.

Rustle… "HAHAHAHA!"

Naruto had had enough, so he jumped up and went right into the next room, to find himself in Tsunade's office.

Tsunade froze. Naruto blinked.

Tsunade was sipping some coffee that looked like it had been spewed everywhere recently, and she was holding some papers that she quickly slipped off to the side.

"Hello, Naruto," Tsunade said, "Feeling better?"

"Yeah." Naruto answered. He suddenly started to remember his and Tsunade's discussion and began to slowly back away to the exit.

"Naruto!" Tsunade called out as soon as she noticed him trying to escape.

Naruto spun around.

"Could you do me a favor," Tsunade said as she picked up a stack of somethings from the corner of her desk, "…and distribute these informational pamphlets on STDs to all your little friends? I forgot to give them out at the meetings…"

Naruto grimaced as the pamphlets were handed to him.

"These have important STD information such as step by step instructions on preventative jutsus," Tsunade said quickly, "…And they are helpfully separated into two groups: the green pamphlets are for the men, and the red ones are for the women. Don't forget."

Naruto nodded as he began to turn blue in the face. He quickly high-tailed it out of there, pamphlets in hand.

~*~

Sakura was happily humming as she walked down the street without a care in the world… when suddenly, she noticed Naruto walking across the street several feet away.

Sakura smiled.

"Hi, Naruto!"

Naruto froze at the sound of Sakura's _female_ voice.

Sakura walked over to him, "What'cha doing?"

"Uh…Uh…" Naruto stammered trying not to look at her, keeping his eyes at his feet.

"Naruto?" Sakura asked with a slight tinge of concern.

Naruto gulped and slowly held a pamphlet out to her. But then, he made the mistake of actually looking up at her in order to hand it to her.

Naruto just couldn't take it any longer. Suddenly, he dropped all the pamphlets he was holding and pointed at Sakura accusingly.

"Y-you're all sick! SICK sick sick- **sick** _sick_!" Naruto exclaimed shakily, "You all and your _bleeding_ …from…from… THERE'S SO MUCH BLOOD!"

Then, Naruto promptly ran over and started throwing up into a nearby trashcan.

Sakura blinked. She looked at Naruto, and then she looked at herself.

"Blood?" Sakura asked herself curiously. She looked at her arms, she looked at her legs, her feet, and she even turned around and looked at the back of her legs. She didn't understand. She didn't see any blood. "What could he…"

Suddenly she noticed a tiny red spot on her shirt.

"Oh, Naruto," Sakura said slowly, pointing to the spot on her shirt, "It's just… a bit of tomato paste that got on me at breakfast this morning…"

Naruto was too busy being ill to hear the explanation.

"Naruto?" Sakura said, taking a step closer, but then she stepped on something.

Sakura looked down and picked up the object underneath her foot.

"What's this?" Sakura asked no one in particular as she unfolded the pamphlet.

There was a pause.

"T-this," Sakura shrieked at the top of her lungs, "This is full of penises!"

She had just happened to pick up the wrong pamphlet…the green one…the one for the men.

Sakura gasped, looking closer, "Picture after picture after picture of them!"

There was a long pause.

"I've got to show Ino!" Sakura exclaimed as she grabbed a handful of pamphlets and took off running down the street.

~*~

The clock struck noon just a few moments ago in the Hokage's office, and all the lists of the men and women were in. Kurenai was just leaving from turning in the girls' papers. While she was there she had seen a female ANBU appear and disappear from Tsunade's office, having left a rather large stack of papers.

Tsunade smiled cleverly as she began to arrange two neat piles of papers—one for the guys and one for the gals.

Shizune sat in a chair and watched.

"Shizune," Tsunade began, "Something on your mind?"

Shizune looked over.

"What are you going to do with those," Shizune asked, "Why did you want them, _really_?"

"Well," Tsunade explained, "They serve four important purposes."

Shizune listed closely.

"First," Tsunade said, selecting a paper from each stack, "I can cross reference these, and when I find female ninja A on male ninja B's list and male ninja B on female ninja A's list I can do _this_."

Shizune watched as the Hokage picked up two colorful letter sized blank papers and began to write.

"Let's see," Tsunade began to read aloud as she wrote, "Dear, Sasuke: You are an amazing specimen of male-ninja-ness. You are awesome. I love you. If you meet with me tomorrow night at your place, I promise I'll shut up about you afterward. Love, Sakura."

Shizune gaped at Tsunade.

"And then," Tsunade grabbed a different paper and began to write, "Dear, Sakura: You're not so bad. Come meet me in my room tomorrow night. Just don't talk too much. –Sasuke."

"How…" Shizune started.

"The key is in the 'reasons' they listed," Shizune watched as Tsunade then put the notes in envelopes and addressed them, "It makes it fairly easy to make it sound like the real person..."

"Unless," Tsunade laughed, holding up a particular page, "Your name is Kakashi, and you neglect to list a word of explanation by any of your names."

~*~

Far away, completely naked in his shower, Kakashi sneezed.

~*~

"So…" Shizune spoke up, "What if Sakura and Sasuke don't meet?"

Tsunade smirked, "Simple, I'll just send out a different letter to them from other people the next day. Same with everybody else."

"What about me, Hokage-sama?" Shizune asked curiously.

Tsunade sighed, "You'll be the only one who knows that the letters aren't real."

~*~

"Wait…you said there were four purposes to the lists." Shizune mentioned, "What are the others?"

The Hokage leaned back in her chair and put her feet up on the desk, "I'm gonna start 3 different betting pools that all of Konoha can participate in for the three month time period!"

Shizune nearly fell over. "I knew something was up with this…" she thought to herself.

"The first betting pool will be based on what order the female ninjas get pregnant. The one closest to correct wins all the money!" Tsunade started to get a crazy look on her face, "The second will be based on which male nin fathers the most children by the end of three months."

"And the third?" Shizune was almost afraid to ask.

"The third will be a bet on which male ninjas won't be _gettin' any_ at all!"

Shizune sweat-dropped.

"I'm gonna place a bet in the third pool right now! It's a sure thing!" Tsunade stood up, "Shizune, get my suitcase of money and put 100,000 down on Jiraiya!"

~*~

After Shizune had brought Tsunade the money…

"So, what're the third and fourth reasons?"

"Blackmail…" Tsunade said nonchalantly, "…and entertainment."

"Shizune, some of these lists are pure gold…"


	6. Mischief Makers

**S** asuke yawned as he got up out of bed. He momentarily cursed himself for sleeping so late. He had missed breakfast. He had _nearly_ missed lunch.

Sasuke trudged over to the door.

The Uchiha opened it up to have a look outside when he suddenly noticed something taped to the outside of the door.

Sasuke brought it inside and opened it up.

He got an eyeful. It was one of the pamphlets on STDs—the female version.

There was a message scribbled on the centerfold that read: "Does this make you horny?"

At that moment, Sasuke realized that he should have stayed in bed.

~*~

> It begins!

~*~

Kakashi, Gai, and Asuma walked over to the table at the restaurant where Kurenai and several other jounin were sitting. Plus Genma was there also.

After they sat down and ordered their food, Kurenai spoke up.

"Have you heard?"

"What?"

Kurenai leaned across the table to whisper into Asuma's ear, "There's something weird going on with the ANBU."

"Oh, _yeah_ ," Asuma said, rubbing his beard, turning to Gai and Kakashi, "I think I've heard something about that…"

"Tell us!" Gai smiled, "It is not in the spirit of youthfulness to keep secrets!"

"Well…" Asuma began.

Genma jumped in, "There's a rumor that the ANBU have gone crazy."

Kakashi blinked, "…why?"

A jounin that was sitting next to Kurenai spoke up, "I heard that it's because all their missions have been canceled. They usually have more missions than we do. They're just not used to the free time."

"They've become a bunch of sex-starved maniacs!" Another jounin continued.

Asuma, Gai, Kakashi, and Kurenai blinked.

"…even more so that us _regular_ jounins!" The jounin finished.

Asuma took a drag on his cigarette.

"What's worse," Kurenai said, "Is that I heard a rumor that the ANBU is over 65 percent female."

"I did not know that!" Gai exclaimed.

Asuma raised an eyebrow, "How is that _bad_?"

A female jounin at the table behind Asuma and company, who had been listening to the conversation, spun around and looked at them.

"Since last night," The female jounin said with a spooky look, "The female ANBU have been going around and abducting random male ninjas…"

Several gasps emanated from the table.

A woman next to the female jounin turned around as well.

"I haven't seen my boyfriend since yesterday!" She wailed.

"Whoa…"

~*~

"Temari!"

"What?" Temari yelled impatiently.

"Could you wait up?" Kankuro complained.

"No!" Temari spun around and put her hands on her hips, "We're still in the middle of nowhere! We would have gotten to Konoha today if it wasn't for you and your constant potty breaks!"

Kankuro ran up to Temari.

"I have a small bladder." He said flatly.

Temari scoffed, "I find that hard to believe."

Kankuro grumbled.

"Anyway," Temari pointed out Gaara who was way ahead of them, "If you don't hurry up, Gaara's gonna leave your ass in the dust!"

~*~

"I just wish I could have been there to see his face!"

Tenten spun around to see Ino and Sakura laughing and squealing like crazy.

"Hahaha!" Sakura tried to stave off her convulsions as she noticed Tenten, "Hey, have a seat!"

Tenten scooted over into the booth. They were all at that restaurant that had that grill in the table.

"What's up?" Tenten asked with great curiosity as she glanced at some things on the table.

"Oh, Tenten!" Ino exclaimed, "It was like the best thing ever!"

Sakura jumped in, "I found these pamphlets that were covered with pictures of diseased genitals!"

"Check it out!" Ino said as she shoved one of the green pamphlets into Tenten's face, "This one looks like it's _melting_!"

Tenten's eyes went wide.

"Oh!" Sakura remembered, "And I accidentally picked up one that was covered with girl parts…"

Ino smirked cleverly, "So I went and stuck it on Sasuke's door!"

There was a long pause.

"Oooo…" suddenly Tenten exclaimed, "...I should send one to Neji!"

~*~

Meanwhile, Tsunade was having a little too much fun filling out letters to and from people.

"Dear, Shikamaru: I like you. You are a great ninja. If you don't mind too much, I'll be over tonight to kiss you some more…"

As she finished off another stack of envelopes, she whipped out her perfume, 'Essence of Ninja' and gave the letters a few sprays.

~*~

"Sasuke!"

Bang…bang…bang…

"Hey, Sasuke!"

Naruto was outside Sasuke's door, frantically banging on it.

"Sasuke! I've got to tell you something!" Naruto yelled, "I have to tell _somebody_!"

The Uchiha finally opened the door, causing Naruto to fall inside, flat on his face.

Naruto picked himself up to find Sasuke glaring at him with his patented I-have-something-perpetually-stuck-up-my-ass look.

"Sasuke…" Naruto began.

"Oh, Hi, Naruto!" came a voice off to the side.

Naruto turned his head to see Kiba, Shino, Neji, Lee, Chouji, and Shikamaru all sitting in the middle of Sasuke's room.

"Eh?" Naruto asked Sasuke curiously, "What are they all doing here?"

"I invited them." The Uchiha said flatly.

" _You_?" Naruto blinked with surprise, "Why?"

Sasuke pulled Naruto to the side so that the other guys couldn't hear.

"I'm going to use them as human shields…"

"Against _who_?" Naruto asked skeptically.

Sasuke had a far away look in his eyes, "For when the women come for me…"

"Uh…" Naruto scratched his head.

"They have already drawn the lines of battle." Sasuke said as he held up something for Naruto to see.

Naruto took one look at the female pamphlet with the 'personalized' message and shuddered.

Sasuke then went and sat down on the far side of the group of guys.

Naruto scratched his head, "OH, I just remembered! I have to tell you guys something!"

They all turned to look at Naruto's yelling.

Naruto went and grabbed a flashlight and turned off all the lights.

Kiba sweat-dropped, "What are you doing?"

Naruto sat down with the guys' circle and turned on the flashlight under his chin, giving a spooky face, "Gotta set the mood!"

~*~

Hinata was walking along by herself when she noticed Ino, Sakura, and Tenten in the window of the nearby restaurant. They seemed like they were having a good time, so she went in to join them.

"Hi, Hinata!" Tenten greeted.

"H-hi." Hinata replied.

"Have a seat!" Sakura smiled.

Hinata took a seat by Tenten.

"So," Ino started up the conversation again, "We were just talking about who we put at the top of our lists."

Sakura and Ino swooned.

Tenten looked off into space dreamily.

Hinata twiddled her thumbs and looked at the table nervously.

"Oh…" Ino sighed, "I would have put Sasuke's name down 1,000 times if I could have…"

"Ah…" Sakura rested her chin in her hands, "Me too…"

Suddenly Ino and Sakura snapped out of their daze and shot each other a competitive glare.

Tenten smirked, "At least I have Neji ALL to myself!"

"Hmph!" Ino and Sakura huffed as they looked away from each other.

There was an awkward pause.

"So, Hinata…"

Hinata looked up.

"…who did you put at the top of your list?" Sakura said.

"Spill it!" Tenten said with interest.

"Um…" Sweat began to pour from Hinata's brow, "Uh…"

Ino, Sakura, and Tenten stared at her in anticipation.

"Um…" Hinata wanted to say Naruto, but what would they think? What if they asked why?

"Well?"

"Uh…" Hinata tried to think of a safer answer. Sasuke would be the popular answer, but then Ino and Sakura might be mad. If she said Neji, not only would Tenten be mad, but they would think she was a cousin-kisser. But, of the other guys…who was the safest answer?

"Hinata….hellooooOOO?"

"Um…" Hinata answered, "…Chouji."

"CHOUJI?" The three exclaimed, blinking.

Hinata smiled nervously.

Ino looked at Hinata in disbelief, "What _are_ you… a chubby-chaser?"

~*~

Actually, Hinata's list looked a little something like this:

Name: Hinata

1\. Naruto… reason: He is a beautiful person.

2\. Naruzu… reason: I love him.

3\. Narmaki… reason: I want his body.

4\. …

The last two names were real people, but somehow Kurenai had neglected to look closely enough to notice that 2. and 3. were totally made up names by Hinata, because she had Naruto on the brain.

~*~

At the restaurant, Kurenai's table had dwindled down to just Gai, Asuma, and Kakashi.

Kakashi was the next to leave.

"Well, see you later," Kakashi said as he waved, got up, and made his way to the exit.

"Bye."

"Bye, Kakashi."

"Farewell, my eternal rival!"

Kakashi rounded the corner and made his way down the middle of the street. He got out his Come Come Paradise book and started to read it as he went.

Suddenly, Kakashi felt a shadow pass in front of him. He paused.

Kakashi looked up from his book to see an ANBU with large breasts standing in front of him, blocking his path.

Kakashi blinked. Within moments, he was surrounded.

The Copy-ninja lowered his book to see that he was flanked on all sides by no less than _seven_ female ANBU.

"…" Kakashi sweat-dropped.

~*~

"And they _bleed_ …" Naruto said chillingly.

Kiba spoke up, trying to look smarter than everyone else, " _Everybody_ bleeds when they get cut…"

Kiba crossed his arms. Everyone turned to look at Naruto's face in the flashlight.

"Yeah, girls bleed when they get _cut_ , but…" Naruto's eyes went wide, "They also bleed… WITHOUT GETTING ANY CUTS AT ALL!"

GASPS!

Lee and Neji's eyes went wide.

"Oh. My. God!" Kiba shrieked with his mouth gaping wide open.

Shikamaru twitched slightly.

Chouji fainted.

Shino was so shocked, his glasses fell off.

And as for Sasuke, he went and hid under his bed like a man.


	7. What is Love

****

**K** akashi blinked and looked around. He was definitely surrounded.

He addressed the ANBU in front of him that was wearing a white animal mask of a fox.

"What do you want?" Kakashi asked.

"You!" She replied.

"I lusted after you all throughout your time in the ANBU…" Said an ANBU to Kakashi's right that had a similar mask of a dog.

"You and your _tempting_ body…" purred an ANBU to Kakashi's left who wore a tiger mask, "Just what _is_ underneath all those clothes?"

The women took a step closer to the Copy-ninja.

"Soooo much unresolved sexual _tension_ ," an ANBU with a rabbit mask said playfully from behind Kakashi's back, "I was just _devastated_ when you left…"

"I want your babies!" another ANBU with a wolf mask exclaimed.

"We _all_ do…" the fox said in a low voice, addressing Kakashi.

"Get him!"

Before Kakashi could react, the seven female ANBU grabbed him and took him off to parts unknown.

~*~

> Love is in the air…or not

~*~

Gai just happened to be looking out the window of the restaurant at the right time to catch a very strange sight indeed.

He watched as his eternal rival Kakashi was grabbed by his arms and legs, hoisted into the air, and toted off to who knows where. He just suddenly disappeared!

"GASP!" Gai exclaimed, jumping out of his chair suddenly, scaring Kurenai and Asuma half to death, "My ETERNAL RIVAL!"

Kurenai and Asuma watched curiously as Gai ran out the exit and back around till they could see him out the window from which he had been looking.

"Kakashi!" Gai yelled as he looked all around the street, "Kakashi!"

Suddenly Gai's foot hit something. He looked down to see a certain little orange book in the dust. Gai's eyes went wide—it was Come Come Paradise.

"In the name of all that is youthful!" Gai screamed at the top of his lungs jumping around and waving his arms in the air in distress, "My eternal rival's been kidnapped!"

Gai dropped to his knees, "Damn you!" He shook his fist in the air, picking up the book with his other hand, "You made him drop his porn!"

Kurenai and Asuma blinked as they watched through the window curiously at Gai flapping his mouth and jumping about. Fortunately for them, the window's glass appeared to be soundproof.

Gai dropped the orange book dramatically and jumped up, striking a pose and pointing to the sky.

"Don't worry, Kakashi!" Gai exclaimed, " _I'LL_ save you!"

Asuma and Kurenai watched as Gai took off running.

Gai did not even stop to consider that maybe, at the moment, Kakashi didn't _want_ to be rescued.

~*~

Now that Gai was gone, Kurenai and Asuma were left at the table all alone.

"I wonder what got into him." Asuma pondered aloud. Kurenai scooted closer to him.

She looked over at Asuma and smiled slyly, "How'd you like to get _into_ me?"

~*~

Tsunade picked up a huge stack of envelopes and handed them to Shizune.

"Mail these ASAP!"

And so, Shizune was off to deliver the notes to the express-mail shinobis that ran around on rooftops and delivered mail by attaching envelopes to kunai and throwing them at people's houses.

~*~

A few hours passed by in Konoha, and it was now late afternoon.

The guys were all leaving Sasuke's place, slightly more traumatized than when they arrived—no thanks to a certain yellow-haired ninja.

Naruto was the last to leave. As he said bye to Sasuke and made his way to the door, something sailed right over his head, sending a few blonde hairs flying, before it embedded itself into the door.

"Oh My God, Sasuke, someone's trying to kill me!" Naruto exclaimed suddenly, as he ducked back into Sasuke's room and hid behind the wall.

"Stupid," Sasuke addressed Naruto, pulling the kunai out of the door, "It's just the mail."

"Mail?" Naruto scrunched up his face, looking over Sasuke's shoulder as he used the kunai to open the envelope.

"I'm guessing that you never get any…" The Uchiha concluded as he began to read the note.

Naruto's face fell into a sad look.

But then, Naruto's face perked up with interest when he noticed that Sasuke suddenly had a petrified look on his face, his eyebrow twitching slightly.

Naruto blinked, "Who's it from?"

"Sakura…" Sasuke stuffed the note back in the envelope quickly and stuck it in a drawer before going over to his bed and stretching out.

"Sakura?" Naruto exclaimed in horror, "What does it say?"

Naruto walked over to where Sasuke was laid out, staring at the ceiling.

"S-she…" Sasuke flinched, "is coming over tomorrow night…"

Naruto's eyes nearly bugged out.

Sasuke mumbled to himself.

Naruto desperately thought of a way to get _his_ Sakura away from Sasuke, "You _are_ going…to like…run off…and hide or something…from her…right… _right_?" Naruto said hopefully.

"No. I can't," Sasuke sighed and stared at the ceiling some more, "This is my chance to revive my clan."

"Oh shit…" Naruto thought to himself, "He wants to 'make babies' with her…"

Sasuke then went into broody angsty mode for awhile, which gave Naruto time to think of something.

"Now what can I…" Naruto wondered silently, "Oh…wait a minute!"

"Hey, Sasuke," Naruto said slyly.

"What?" Sasuke said flatly.

"Have you ever thought about what your kids with Sakura would look like?"

"No…why?"

"She's got _pink_ hair."

"So?"

" _Think_ about it…"

Sasuke blinked. Then suddenly his eyes got _really_ wide.

~*~

_Sasuke's dream sequence_

Sasuke, aged 10 years older than the present, jumped triumphantly from some bushes to confront his foes.

Itachi and Kisame stood before him.

Sasuke readied a kunai and struck a dramatic pose, pointing at Itachi.

"My name is Sasuke Uchiha, you killed my family, prepare to die!"

Suddenly four small pink-haired children armed with kunais jumped from the bushes to stand next to their father.

Itachi stared at the children, "Oy, brother… Have they put you in charge of the little girl squad now?"

Suddenly one of the children shot Itachi a nasty glare, "We're BOYS! Not _girls_!"

Kisame did a double take.

Sasuke growled, "How dare you speak to my sons this way!"

Itachi was strangely silent, his mouth twitching slightly. Kisame looked over at Itachi with a worried look.

"Uchiha…men…with long… _pink_ hair?" Itachi said slowly, digesting the information.

Kisame blinked.

"…heh…heh…heheh..ha…hahah…hahaha…hAAHAHAHAHA HA HA HA!" Itachi began to laugh.

Sasuke blinked.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA," Itachi began to cough and hack, "Ha…hehe…BWA haaaaaaaa!"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes.

"HA HA HA…ACK!" Suddenly Itachi grasped his heart, "Oh! ACK! HAHAHA!"

Kisame and Sasuke's eyes went wide.

"HAHA! ACK! Heeeeeeee! GASP!" Itachi fell to the ground, "HAHAhaha! GASP! HACK!"

Kisame rushed to Itachi's side.

"Tee…hee…ERK!" Itachi convulsed a few more times and then went silent.

Sasuke's mouth hung open in shock.

"Y-you killed him…" tears welled up in Kisame's eyes as he hugged the dead body of his Akatsuki partner, "You killed him, you pink haired BASTARDS!"

_End Sasuke's dream sequence_

~*~

"My work here is done." Naruto thought to himself as he walked to the door, leaving Sasuke twitching and hyperventilating on the bed, due to an overactive imagination.

And with a smirk on his face, Naruto left.

~*~

Tsunade's scheming is finally taking effect on this late afternoon in Konoha as many ninjas, young and old, arrive home to find odd invitations on their doors, for meetings with 'significant' others in their rooms that very night or the next.

Some… were excited:

"OH GOD YES!" Sakura squealed, shaking her letter all over the place.

Some… were surprised:

"Shikamaru? This is sudden," Ino said looking at her letter, "But…I might as well get in some practice before me and Sasuke—"

Some… were confused:

Neji turned his head around and looked at his butt, "I…don't get it."

Some… were even _more_ confused:

Naruto blinked at his letter, "I actually got some mail?"

Some…were otherwise _occupied_ :

Asuma and Kurenai, for example…

Some…were _very_ occupied:

"OH KAKASHI!"

And some…got left out this round:

"Sigh…" Lee sat at home, hammering out some poetry for Sakura.

While some…were victims of wild-goose-chases:

"Zzz…" Gai snored slightly, having fallen asleep on some random roof, exhausted by his fruitless search. Oh, if _only_ he had gone home and checked his mail.

While others…:

Jiraiya ran down the street as men that were standing nearby got picked off one by one.

"Oh PLEASE!" He yelled as he saw ANBU after ANBU zoom past, "Take me with you, sexy goddesses!"

Zap, another male gone. "No! Pick me!" Jiraiya yelled. Zap, another male gone. "Pick me!" Zoop! They got another one. "OH GOD, PICK ME!" Jiraiya screamed.

Suddenly, a small female ANBU appeared before him. Jiraiya blinked.

She stared at him for about 5 seconds, before quickly zipping away—a large sweat-drop forming on her brow.

Jiraiya was devastated as he fell to his knees in the street, pouting, "Why…OH WHY?"


	8. Baby Don't Hurt Me

**T** he sun set, casting shadows on all the excited shinobi of Konoha. Strange sounds echoed throughout the night.

Three ANBU appeared around a sleeping figure on the roof, stars sparkling in the sky.

"Should we take this one?" one woman said.

The second one scrutinized the male closely, "Nope, he's gay…"

The third sweat-dropped, "What makes you think that?"

"A _straight_ man," She said incredulously, "in _those_ tights?"

"Can't we just wake him up and ask him?" The first one whined.

"No time…" She said as she took off.

The other ANBUs sighed as they followed, "…and he was such a _cutie_ …"

~*~

> There must be something in the air…

~*~

It was only a few hours after sunrise when Temari spotted the Konoha gates.

"Finally!" Temari commented, picking up the pace, "We're here!"

"Yeah…" Kankuro said.

"…" Gaara was silent, but then he suddenly took to the trees.

Kankuro blinked, "Gaara?"

Temari's eyes followed Gaara as he jumped from tree to tree, nearing closer and closer to the entrance.

"W-wait for us!" Temari and Kankuro called out as they took off after Gaara.

~*~

By the time Temari and Kankuro reached Gaara, they all found themselves right inside the village gates.

Gaara simply stood like a statue, staring off in no particular direction, with his signature 'bad-ass' look on his face, while Temari and Kankuro huffed and puffed behind him, trying to catch their breath.

"Gaara," Temari breathed, "T-thanks for waiting up…"

Kankuro nodded in agreement.

Then Gaara walked off.

"G-Gaara?" Kankuro stammered as Gaara just went off down the street without them.

Temari blinked.

Kankuro and Temari shot a look at each other before getting up and following after their brother.

~*~

It only took a moment to catch up to him. He wasn't walking very fast.

"Um…Gaara?" Temari asked from right behind him.

Gaara didn't reply but he did stop suddenly before he started walking in a different direction.

"Uh…Gaara," Kankuro sweat-dropped nervously, "The Hokage's office is in _that_ direction!" Kankuro said, pointing the opposite way.

The red haired ninja of the sand ignored him.

Kankuro stopped and stared at Temari, searching for answers. Temari could only look back at him and shrug her shoulders in confusion.

~*~

As they continued to follow Gaara, Temari's ears alerted her to a strange sound.

"Do you hear that?" the blonde asked Kankuro.

"… _yeah_ ," Kankuro listened, "Is that… _music_?"

"I think so," Temari said slowly, "And…it's getting louder!"

~*~

Moments later, Temari and Kankuro found Gaara stopped in front of a large building. He just stood there, staring at the entrance.

Temari and Kankuro could hear the music blaring through the double doors.

Several minutes passed.

Then, without warning, Gaara pushed the doors open.

They were greeted with an amazing sight.

Temari summed it up nicely, "What. The. Fuck."

Several dozen Konoha ANBU danced and jumped around as strobe lighting streamed over their bodies, shining in various bright neon colors.

Gaara's mouth parted slightly as his eyes lit up with newfound curiosity. He took several steps into the room and looked all around.

A song with a fast dance beat played loudly throughout the room:

… _What is love? Baby don't hurt me...don't hurt me…no more!...what is love…_

Temari and Kankuro watched as a tall ANBU moved through the crowd, past some other ANBU who were dancing in a manner that some might consider _very_ inappropriate.

The tall female ANBU, who wore an animal mask of a raccoon-dog, walked right up to Gaara.

Gaara looked up at her as she bent down on one knee to his eye level.

The raccoon-dog ANBU held out a small flower to the red haired ninja of the sand.

Kankuro and Temari looked on in awe.

As Gaara stared at the flower, he slowly cracked a smile—an actual, genuine happy-smile.

"I think Hell just froze over." Kankuro said with all seriousness, looking over at his sister.

Temari watched as Gaara took the ANBU's offering, letting her take his hand and lead him off into the crowd—that song still playing in the background.

Kankuro could only stare.

Temari stammered, calling out from the doorway, having just thought of something, "G-Gaara! We'll be late for our meeting with the Hokage!"

Gaara completely ignored his sister's calls.

Temari blinked, "Uh…"

"…maybe," Kankuro watched as some of the dancing ninjas began to take notice of them just standing there at the door, "...we should _go_."

"Y-yeah," Temari agreed as she and Kankuro left quickly, shutting the doors behind them.

… _What is love? Baby don't hurt me...don't hurt me…no more!...what is love…_

~*~

After a while, Temari and Kankuro found their way back to the main street.

"Which way is the Hokage's place?" Kankuro asked his sister.

"Well," Temari pulled a small hand-drawn map from her satchel, "If we go from here…"

Temari continued talking as she studied the map. Kankuro listened for a while until he was distracted by someone walking towards them, heading in the direction they just came from. Temari didn't notice because she had her face in the map.

Kankuro watched, mesmerized as the young woman walked closer. Temari did not realize it at this point, but she was now, for all purposes, talking to herself.

Kiba's sister paused slightly as she looked at the young sand ninja who was looking at her and smiled.

"I just _love_ your face markings." She said in passing, giving Kankuro a sly smile.

Kankuro admired her red face markings as she went on her way, little pink hearts forming above his head and popping in the air.

Meanwhile, Temari kept yakking about the map, totally oblivious.

After a few moments of contemplation, Kankuro slipped off from Temari's side and followed Kiba's sister.

Seconds later, Temari looked up from her map, "I've got it! Kankuro, we—"

The blonde ninja turned to Kankuro to find that _Kankuro_ was nowhere in sight.

"Kankuro?" Temari asked.

She dropped the map.

"What the hell has gotten into everybody around here?" Temari screamed in aggravation.

Temari looked around for answers. She saw a ninja in the distance ahead.

"YOU!" Temari called out, running up to the ninja—that turned out to be Shikamaru when she got closer, "What is going on around here?"

Shikamaru was unresponsive, staring off into space. He had the _oddest_ smile on his face.

"Hel-lo?" Temari got up in Shikamaru's face, waving her hand in front of his eyes, "Shikamaru? What happened to you?"

Shikamaru drooled slightly.

Temari blinked, concerned, "Who did this to you?"

~*~

Knock…Knock…Knock…

"Oh, hi, Tenten!" Ino said, opening the door.

"Hey, Ino!" Tenten replied, "Thanks for inviting me over this morning! Last night was so crazy! I can't wait to hear the juicy gossip!"

"You got here just in time!" Ino exclaimed, turning to Sakura and Hinata who had already arrived inside, "We were just about to start!"

"So, did you get a letter too?" Sakura said, smiling widely.

"Yep!" Tenten replied.

"Hmmm…" Ino commented, "It seems like the guys _all_ got together at once to write us love letters…"

" _Yeah_." Sakura agreed.

Hinata was silent.

"So, Sakura," Ino smirked, "Who did you meet up with last night?"

"Well…" Sakura began, "Actually mine said to meet tonight and not yester—"

"Hah!" Ino scoffed, "Who are you kidding? _You_ didn't get any letter! You're too _ugly_!"

Sakura's hands crushed her cup of breakfast juice in rage. "Just you wait _Ino_!" Inner Sakura screamed to herself, "I'll wait for just the perfect moment to show you my letter from _Sasuke_ and devastate your _world_!"

Several tense seconds of silence passed.

"So, Ino," Tenten said, changing the subject with a slight giggle, "How did it go with Shikamaru last night?"

"Well…" Ino smiled slyly.

~*~

_Ino's flashback to the previous night_

Shikamaru sat on the edge of his bed as Ino walked into the room.

Thinking back to what the letter had said, Shikamaru asked plainly, "So, have you come to kiss me some more?"

Ino went and sat next to him.

"Well, if you _insist_!" Ino said playfully as she grabbed him and pushed him on the bed, climbing on top of him.

…several minutes later…in the dark:

Kissy noises…kissy noises…kissy noises…

"Sas—uh… Shikamaru?" Ino let go of his mouth for a second.

"Hn?"

"I'm bored with kissing," Ino complained, "Take your clothes off."

"..."

"Well?"

"It's too troublesome…"

"But I can't get your clothes off unless you like sit up or something!"

"Hn…"

"Ugh!" Ino rolled off of him and sat by his side, crossing her arms with an annoyed look on her face.

Several awkward minutes passed before Ino thought of something else.

"Can I stick my hand down your pants?"

~*~

"So…" Sakura said slowly, looking at Ino, "You _fondled_ him all night long?"

"No," Ino said, "Not _all_ night, just until I got bored…"

"Oh, man," Tenten mumbled, "I wish I had thought to do that to Neji!"

"So…" Sakura continued, "How did Shikamaru take it?"

"I'm not completely _sure_ ," Ino pondered aloud, "But I think he _liked_ it…"

~*~

"Earth to Shikamaru!" Temari exclaimed, snapping her fingers repeatedly in front of his eyes—that odd look still on his face.

His only response was a bubble expanding from his nostril.

~*~

Ino turned to look at Tenten, "So how _did_ your thing with Neji go?"

"Well," Tenten began, "It could have gone better…"

"Did he enjoy the video you borrowed from me?" Ino asked with interest.

Tenten sweat-dropped, "He fainted while watching it."

"Huh," Sakura wondered, "It's strange that Asuma still hasn't asked for that video back yet."

Tenten frowned, "I didn't even get a chance to kiss Neji."

"You could have done it while he was passed out." Ino suggested.

"I didn't think of that."

"So what _did_ you do?"

"I did his hair."

" _What_?"

"…with a bunch of braids and beads and stuff…"

~*~

Neji woke up sleepily and headed to the bathroom.

As he passed by the mirror he did a double take.

And then, Neji screamed like the little girl he saw staring back at him.


	9. Caught

**A** nother new day dawned.

"Shizune _here_ , ma'am, for the morning report!" Shizune said, bowing in greeting to the Hokage.

"Yes, Shizune," Tsunade replied, tapping a writing utensil on her desk, "How did the mailing go? Did everything get to everyone in time yesterday?"

"All the envelopes were delivered before the sun set." Shizune reported, "There were only three casualties."

"Ah," Tsunade nodded, "A new record."

~*~

> Intersecting Paths

~*~

"Shikamaru!" Temari exclaimed, trying to snap him out of it.

No answer.

Temari then grabbed his cheeks with her hand, squishing his lips together and outward until he looked like a fish.

She turned his head to face her, "You're scaring me…This isn't the Shikamaru I fought."

He blinked.

"Have you been zapped by some crazy jutsu?"

"Tell me who did this to you and I'll go kick their asses!" Temari said, before letting go of his face. It immediately went back to that odd smile.

She then noticed his eyes move. She followed them.

Temari's eyes went wide, "Are you… staring at my _breasts_?" She yelled in shock.

" _Hn…_ " He said stupidly.

Temari, grinning evilly, moved her face just inches from his, "You _know_ you _like_ it…" She said in a low voice.

He smiled bigger.

WHAP!

Shikamaru was suddenly on the ground, having been smacked upside the head by Temari's fan.

Temari then struck a pose with her hands on her hips.

"I challenge you to a fight! Tonight. By the gates." Temari turned to leave, "Be there!"

There was a long pause.

"…I'll pick you up at 7:00."

~*~

"Hey, Sasuke!" Naruto yelled through the door.

Click…click…click…unlock…

The door opened.

"Hey!" Naruto said as Sasuke's face appeared, "You still in hiding in your room?"

Sasuke's eyes narrowed, "What are _you_ doing here?"

Naruto smiled, walking inside, "I ran into Kiba at the ramen shop, and he said you invited him over. So, I came too!"

Kiba appeared behind Naruto, smiling nervously.

Sasuke shot him a glare as he entered.

Naruto looked around Sasuke's room, "Hey, you've got all your human shie—"

The Uchiha stomped on Naruto's foot.

"—Ah!" Naruto squirmed, "I mean—your _friends_ …you've got all your _friends_ over."

The Uchiha then smiled at Naruto threateningly as he took a seat on the floor with Kiba, Shino, Lee, and Neji. Chouji and Shikamaru were absent. Shikamaru was out wandering around. But Chouji…no one knew where Chouji was.

Kiba had a cheerful look on his face.

Shino had an antisocial look.

Lee had a determined look as he was _still_ writing on that poetry, "Now I just have to choreograph the _dance_ …" He thought to himself.

And Neji…

"OH MY GOD, Neji!" Naruto suddenly screamed, pointing at Neji with wide eyes, "What _happened_ to YOU?"

Sasuke put a hand on Naruto's shoulder, shaking his head with a solemn look, "He is a casualty of war…"

Kiba, Shino, Lee, and Sasuke lowered their heads and gave Neji a moment of silence.

Neji's mouth twitched as his cheeks turned red—his hair in twenty different braids filled will mazes of beads so complex that even Shikamaru with his IQ of super-high-number might not be able to solve it.

"But, do not despair," Sasuke spoke dramatically, "For we shall strike back."

Naruto blinked.

"Shino!" Sasuke called out.

Shino nodded, opening his coat, causing a few dozen pamphlets to fall out along with several colorful pens and markers.

Sasuke looked off into the distance, "We'll fight fire with _fire_!"

"You're gonna set them on fire?" Naruto grinned, "Cool!"

"Ugh…" Sasuke sighed in aggravation, rolling his eyes.

~*~

After a while, Temari finally found the Hokage's office.

Just as the blonde sand ninja was about to turn the doorknob, she paused.

There were some _very_ odd noises emanating from the room.

"Hoka—" Temari began, opening the door.

"!" Books and papers were flying off the desk.

"—ge-sama?" Temari's eyes went wide.

Feet were squirming on the surface as Temari walked in just in time to observe two individuals lying on the desk, making out vigorously. Some dark haired woman was on top off some guy that appeared to be a chuunin or jounin from what he was wearing.

"…" Temari twitched, thankful that she hadn't walked in on them when they were _completely_ naked.

As soon as the woman noticed Temari, she grimaced, sweat-dropping profusely, and hopped off the guy. The man groaned at the interruption.

"Hokage?" Temari asked again.

"Eh…heh…" The woman laughed nervously, "She uh…went out for a bit…"

Temari raised an eyebrow as Shizune desperately tried to readjust her clothes and hair back to normal.

"Can I… take a message?" Shizune squeaked, her voice cracking slightly, trying not to turn too red.

~*~

As Tenten finished telling of her night with Neji, Ino turned to look at Hinata.

"So, Hinata," Ino asked, "Did you get a love letter too?"

"Y-yes…" Hinata peeped.

"Alright, Hinata!" Tenten congratulated.

"B-but," Hinata sniffled, "He didn't show up."

Ino and Tenten gave Hinata a sympathetic look.

"Aww," Sakura cooed, giving her a hug, "Just tell us the bastard's name and we'll go smash his face in."

~*~

"ACHOO!"

Naruto sneezed all over Sasuke's face. A few specks landed on Shino's glasses as well—much to his aggravation.

Kiba had just finished telling his story of how he had a nice date with the ramen girl, as the guys all scribbled and colored away on the pamphlets.

"So, Naruto," Kiba started, as he finished drawing a silly face on one of the ding-dongs, "Did you get an invite from a girl? I heard a lot of people did…"

"Yeah." Naruto replied.

"Seriously?" Lee exclaimed, devastated that even Naruto got a note and not him.

"What did it say?" Kiba asked with interest.

"She said she _wanted_ me," Naruto replied, shrugging his shoulders, "But she didn't say for what."

"How did it go?" Shino said.

Naruto shifted uncomfortably, "I…didn't go."

"Why not?" Sasuke questioned, wiping the snot from his face.

"I… didn't know where she lived." Naruto complained.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, "Didn't you look at the return address?"

Naruto blinked.

"…the what?"

~*~

Iruka's stomach growled as he headed to his favorite restaurant. He was walking down the street all by himself. Every now and then he would look up at the roofs with a tinge of paranoia. The street was oddly empty. He had heard the rumors and he was anxious.

As he was walking, he noticed something just lying in the road up ahead. Iruka blinked with curiosity.

It wasn't long before he was upon the object.

Iruka reached down and picked it up. It was a small orange book that looked very, very familiar.

"Huh," Iruka pondered out loud with curiosity as he looked at the cover, "It looks like that book that Kakashi is always walking around with."

Iruka opened the book up and flipped to the first page.

"Wow…" Iruka mumbled, a blush appearing across his face.

~*~

"The nerve…"

Anko was taking a brisk walk through the streets of Konoha to get her frustrations out.

"The nerve of that man!" Anko grumbled.

"I can't _believe_ Gai stood me up after sending me that _poetic_ love letter!"

~*~

"Zzz…SNORT! Ah! Ah?" Gai shot awake, looking about.

"Where am I? What have I been doing?" Gai felt of the roof tiles under his hands—they had also left a lasting impression on his butt.

Gai looked up at the sun, high in the sky, "I'VE BEEN SLEEPING ALL THIS TIME?"

"Ow…" Gai said suddenly, having touched his skin.

"NOOOOOO!" Gai's eyes went wide, "My youthful skin has been burned by the SUN!"

Gai jumped up and danced about in distress, tears streaming down his face, "Now I'll NEVER get more chicks than Kakashi, LOOKING LIKE _THIS_!"

~*~

Kakashi's head was spinning. He was barely conscious of the hands setting him down on the ground or the lips kissing him ' _good-bye, for now_.'

~*~

Kakashi had only been on the side of the street for a few minutes before Anko happened to spot him.

Anko walked up to him. He was half-way lying down and half-way sitting up the way he was propped up against the side of the building.

Anko blinked and looked curiously at the Copy-ninja. His hair was disheveled—going off in all sorts of directions. His forehead protector was on backwards, and his clothes were a mess—as well as being torn slightly.

Poor Kakashi was bare-foot as well.

"Hey," Anko addressed him, "You're fairly attractive. How about you come over to my place?"

Anko smiled, "I've got a _Jacuzzi_!" She sing-songed.

"N-no…I…I…" Kakashi struggled, breathing erratically, "…so…weak…"

"Oh you're fine," Anko smirked, moving closer to him.

She picked Kakashi off the ground just as he passed out.

Then, she just slung him over her shoulders.

~*~

As she was on her way, she noticed someone down a ways that was just standing in the middle of the road, reading a book. She walked up to him.

"Hey, you're pretty cute," Anko said to him—Kakashi still in tow.

Iruka didn't even have time to comment, before Anko had a firm grasp on his wrist, pulling him along.

Anko grinned widely.

"Let's make it a threesome!"


	10. Delusional

**N** aruto tossed the last pamphlet onto the pile. The guys had finally finished 'personalizing' them.

"So…" Naruto said, "What now?"

"We send them to the girls." Sasuke stated matter-of-factly.

Neji blinked as he twirled a piece of his hair, trying desperately to get a bead to come loose, "How are we supposed to know where they are right now?"

"Uh…" Naruto said.

Sasuke brought a hand up to his chin and rubbed it as he thought for a moment.

"Kiba," Sasuke called out, "Do you think you could _sniff_ them out?"

Kiba's eyes fluttered, looking up, "Y-yeah…I guess—"

"There is no need."

Everybody turned their heads to look at Shino.

"What do you mean?" Naruto asked, scrunching up his face.

Shino adjusted his glasses, "I mean that there is no need for Kiba to go sniff out the females."

"Huh?" Kiba asked, confused, raising an eyebrow in Shino's direction.

"I've already got all the girls _bugged_."

~*~

> Delusions and desperation

~*~

Temari crossed her arms and tapped her foot as she waited for Shizune to make herself presentable again.

The guy on the desk groaned again and sighed, deciding he might as well get up.

Temari looked over at him. She studied him for a moment.

"That guy looks familiar," Temari thought to herself, "I know I've seen him _somewhere_ before…"

The guy yawned, hopping up off the desk, going over to stand by Shizune. He paused to look at Temari for a moment.

"Oh, wait," the blonde sand ninja realized, " _now_ I remember…" She said to herself.

It would be kind of rude not to at least acknowledge the guy's presence. Right?

"Uh…hey, Hayate!" Temari greeted.

The guy stared at her.

"I'm _Genma_. Hayate's _dead_."

Temari sweat-dropped.

"…heh…heh…" She laughed nervously, quickly changing the subject.

"When will the Hokage be back?" Temari turned, looking at Shizune.

Shizune shrugged.

"Could you at _least_ tell me what is going _on_ around here?" Temari pleaded, "We were requested for assistance in defense of Konoha, but they neglected to tell us _why_ or what the situation currently _is_ in this village!"

Shizune sighed, "I'm…not authorized to divulge such information without the Hokage's permission."

"Ugh…" Temari grumbled.

"By the way," Shizune began, "Where are the other sand ninjas?"

"Uh…" Temari's face went blank.

Genma pulled on Shizune's arm, "Can we _please_ get back to what we were doing?"

"Um…" Shizune turned red as she looked at the face that Temari was currently making at them.

There was an awkward pause.

"Are you two _really_ gonna do _that_ on her _desk_?" Temari asked.

~*~

Currently, Tsunade, the Hokage of Konoha, was walking down the streets of the village. She figured she would go out and observe the fruits of her labor—after all, she had written so _very_ many letters to so _very_ many ninjas. She wanted to know if her plan was working _and_ if the shinobi were fulfilling their mission to the _fullest_ extent of their capabilities.

Tsunade smirked.

As she walked down past the buildings, there were many ninja couples out walking hand in hand. Some had linked elbows, while others were getting all kissy, kissy on the side of the street.

The Hokage noticed as Asuma and Kurenai walked by—holding hands. But, for some strange reason, Kurenai had Asuma's cigarette in her mouth.

Tsunade raised an eyebrow, but continued walking before stopping in front of a _cute_ little outdoor restaurant where many _cute_ little ninja couples were eating lunch.

"Hmm…" Tsunade said to herself as she observed two certain nin at a little table, "It should seem that the Sand have arrived."

Kankuro and Hana Inuzuka were sitting, looking at each other all googly eyed, while sharing a bowl that appeared to consist of just one _really_ , really long noodle.

"Huh." Tsunade smiled as she decided to turn back, "I imagine the rest of the Sand shinobi are waiting at my off—".

Tsunade paused in shock as she saw, turning around—sitting on the side of the road, looking all pitiful and holding a sign around his neck was—

"JIRAIYA!"

"Tsunade?" Jiraiya hiccupped, scratching his head, the sign around his neck reading: "Will be sex-slave for food—except—that _food_ was scratched out and _sake_ was written above it."

Tsunade blinked, walking up to him, "What the hell happened to you?" She exclaimed.

Jiraiya's eyes got all big and glistening, tears streaming down his face, and began to explain at a thousand words a minute, "Well, I got _really_ distressed because none of the women would pay any attention to me—the _ANBU_ wouldn't even take me—and so then I went to the bar and drank and drank and _drank_ and drank a bunch of sake—and _then_ I was almost out of money, _so_ then I went to see if I could _bet_ in those _betting_ pools— _and_ once I got to the middle of the village where they were _posted_ , I saw listed that my odds of being the _winning_ answer for the second pool were 1:347,000,000!—and what's _worse_ —in the _third_ pool my odds of being the winning answer was listed as 90 percent! 90 percent of the bets! Placed on ME! THAT I WOULDN'T 'GET ANY'! …So then—I was so depressed—instead of _betting_ on anything, I went and _spent_ every other scrap of change I had with me on even _more_ sake…"

Jiraiya sniffled.

Tsunade blinked, "You should have just bet on yourself. You'd have made a fortune!" She laughed.

Jiraiya frowned, " _Tsuuuunaaadeeeee_ …" He whined.

She rolled her eyes, "Okay, _okay_ …I'll…"

Jiraiya lit up with a hopeful look, grasping his hands together in anticipation.

"I'll…" Tsunade began slowly, "…get you a drink."

Jiraiya smiled really big.

"…out of pity."

Jiraiya pouted, sticking his bottom lip out as Tsunade grasped his hand and helped him up off the ground.

~*~

After Hinata had refused to reveal the name of the guy who had sent her an invitation for a date and then didn't show up, it sparked Ino, Sakura, and Tenten's curiosity. But then, their minds wandered to another subject they were curious about…

"Has anyone even _seen_ any of our senseis lately?" Ino suddenly wondered aloud to the girls.

"No…" Sakura replied, "I haven't seen any of them."

"Yeah," Tenten agreed, "It has been awhile since I've seen Gai, Kakashi, Kurenai, _OR_ Asuma. It's kind of strange."

Hinata nodded sheepishly, "It _is_ strange."

There was a really long pause as they digested this information.

"Maybe they're having a foursome!" Ino suddenly suggested.

"INO!" Sakura and Tenten scolded, nearly falling over.

"What?" Ino replied, trying to look innocent.

Suddenly there was a WHOOSH as a package flew out from under the front door.

Everyone turned to look.

"What's that?" They asked.

Ino went to check it out, picking up the package and opening it up.

"Well?" Sakura asked in anticipation.

"Awe, it's so sweet!" Ino squealed, holding one of the pamphlets up for the girls to see, "This one's _smiling_ at me!"

Tenten reached into the package and pulled out a green pamphlet, "OoooOOOoooOOoo… a _kunai_ is drawn on _this_ one!"

"Wow," Sakura commented, grabbing a pamphlet also, "This one is colored like a _candy_ -cane."

~*~

Tsunade and Jiraiya walked into a bar…

"Whoa, what happened to YOU?"

Gai hiccupped slightly as he spun around on his stool to see the Hokage standing there, staring at him strangely.

"Hokage-sama!" Gai exclaimed with surprise as he watched her and Jiraiya take a seat next to him at the bar.

Jiraiya took a look around to see a whole bunch of guys in various stages of drunkenness—which was somewhat odd around there, considering it was like NOON.

"Hmm," Jiraiya thought to himself, "This must be the _reject_ bar…"

"You're _one_ of the rejects. Re _member_ , Jiraiya?" Tsunade smirked at him as she threw some change his way—just enough for one drink of sake.

Jiraiya's eyebrow twitched as he watched Tsunade get up to leave.

"Hokage-sama!" Gai exclaimed again, trying to get her attention.

At the door of the bar, Tsunade paused.

"Oh, and Gai?" The Hokage began, "Come by my office later. I might be able to _do_ something for you."

Gai clapped his hands together, "Really?"

"Yes," Tsunade replied as she left, "There's still hope for you yet…"

Gai smiled—his teeth sparkling—giving a thumbs up.

A few moments later he happened to glance over at Jiraiya to get a bit of a shock.

Jiraiya was gaping at Gai with the most appalled, horror-stricken, and aghast face.

Jiraiya narrowed his eyes.

"She had _better_ be talking about your _sunburn_."

~*~

It was late in the afternoon before the girls over at Ino's place got tired of giggling over the _creatively_ decorated pamphlets that the boys mistakenly thought would strike the girls down with some sort of horror or devastation or… or horror—well anything but the _giggling_.

One by one the girls left to go and do other things. Hinata went home. Tenten went to go stalk Neji. And Sakura…well, she thought she was about to be in pure _heaven_.

"Oh, Sasuke!" Inner Sakura squealed hugging her letter tight, as she watched Ino tell the other two girls bye, "It's only a few more hours until—hehehe!"

Ino shut the door and sighed. It was just Sakura and her now.

"This is the perfect moment," Inner Sakura grinned.

"Oh, Ino!" Sakura called out slyly.

"Hm?" Ino spun around.

"Read it and WEEP!" Sakura yelled, thrusting the letter in Ino's face, " _Literally_!"

Ino raised an eyebrow.

"So…" Ino said, unsurely opening the letter as if it were an exploding trap, "You… actually got a _letter_?"

"Heeeeeeeee." Sakura grinned.

Reading the note, Ino suddenly made a horrific face—her mouth hanging open, hair frazzling out wildly, veins popping up all over her face.

"This _can't_ be REAL!" She screamed, "IT'S FAKE I TELL YOU! FAKE!"

Sakura shot Ino a smug look as she took the letter back, walking over to the door, and waving, " _I'll_ be sure and tell _you_ ALL about MY night with SASUKE _tomorrow_!"

Ino fell to her knees, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo!"

~*~

After a long walk from the bar, Tsunade went into her office and sat down at her desk.

She looked up to see Shizune standing in the middle of her office with some sort of emotion on her face that seemed to be somewhere in-between being _embarrassed_ and terrified.

"Shizune?" Tsunade wondered to herself briefly before shaking it off.

The Hokage closed her eyes and smiled, cracking her knuckles in the air, "Time to write more letters!"

Shizune gulped. Tsunade opened her eyes and looked at her desk. Tsunade blinked.

"Shi _zune_ ," Tsunade began slowly, "Why are there _butt_ marks on my desk?"


	11. Miscommunications

**T** he clock struck 7:00 p.m. all over Konoha. Right outside the gates, by the trees, were two figures.

Shikamaru stood battle ready, with his hands poised in concentration—his face finally rid of that odd smile.

Standing only a few yards off was Temari—sporting a rather pleased looking smirk on her face.

Shikamaru blinked as he saw that the blonde sand ninja had yet to pull out her fan.

"Oy," Shikamaru yelled over to her, "Aren't you going to draw your weapon?"

Temari walked a few feet closer to him, "Oh…I don't _need_ it." Her eyes ran up and down his body.

Shikamaru relaxed his hands a bit as he shot her a confused look.

"You know, _Shika_ maru," Temari said playfully, stepping closer, "When I said I wanted to _fight_ … I didn't mean 'fighting' in the _conventional_ sense."

"Hn?"

Temari smiled slyly, "Wanna… ' _hit_ ' me?"

She winked at him.

Once he caught her drift, Shikamaru nearly fell over.

But, it didn't matter. He was going to be on his back in a few seconds anyway.

~*~

> Sunset to sunrise

~*~

And once again on all the busy little ninja of Konoha, night turned into day, and the sun rose.

~*~

Shikamaru paused a moment and leaned against the side of the gate. His face was red—a few beads of sweat were running down his head, and a few stands of hair were sticking out wildly. He was breathing rather loudly.

"Some week you've been having."

Shikamaru's eyes went wide as he turned to his side to look at the source of the voice.

"C-CHOUJI?"

Chouji was munching on a rather large bag of popcorn.

~*~

A certain pink haired ninja was strolling down the street, looking at her feet as she went.

"So…hungry," she said.

Sakura looked up and scanned the area for a suitable place to eat breakfast.

Suddenly she spotted Ino.

"Oh, hell…" Sakura cursed, quickly moving to hide her face from Ino with her hand.

It failed miserably.

"Ooooooh, S _aaaaaa_ kur _aaaaa_!" Ino yelled, having seen Sakura, "Come h _eeeeee_ re!"

Ino smirked as she saw Sakura flinch.

Sakura trudged slowly—oh so slowly and painfully—over to take a seat by Ino at the food stand.

Sakura's mouth twitched. Ino bumped her shoulder playfully.

"Tell me _aaaaa_ ll about Sasuke." Ino stated with an evil air.

Sakura gritted her teeth.

~*~

_Flashback to the previous night_

Sakura squealed with excitement as she knocked on Sasuke's door. And knocked and knocked and _knocked_ and knocked.

"SASUKE!" Sakura yelled in a sing-song way.

Unbeknownst to her, Sasuke was right on the other side of the door, twitching ever so slightly in contemplation.

"Open the door? Not open the door?" He pondered, "Open the door? Not open the door?"

"No." He furrowed his brow and closed his eyes, "I…must…be…manly."

Sasuke opened the door so quickly that Sakura flew into his arms.

Sakura blushed and looked up into his eyes. Sasuke quickly pushed her away.

"H-hi, Sasuke!" Sakura smiled.

"Hmph." Sasuke mumbled, going over to sit on the edge of his bed.

Sakura nearly fainted that he was heading for the bed _already_.

"Oh, S _aaaaaa_ suke!" Sakura sighed, taking a seat next to him.

The Uchiha twitched, a nervous sweat drop appearing on the side of his head.

Suddenly the pink haired ninja grasped Sasuke into a hug, "I _want_ you…so _bad_."

Sasuke gulped, but put on a brave face, pushing her away and laying both his hands on her shoulders, looking deep into her eyes.

"There is," Sasuke said softly, "something I must ask you…"

Sakura held her breath in anticipation, her eyes glistening all big and wide.

"…is that your natural hair color?"

" _Eh_?" Sakura would have fallen off the bed if not for Sasuke holding her steady.

His eyes were staring at her intently. Sakura deliberated quickly to try and figure out the best answer to the unexpected question. Just what exactly did he want to hear?

"Uh…no?" Sakura lied, "I…dyed it?"

Sasuke breathed a sigh of relief and fell onto the bed, taking Sakura with him.

"This is it!" Sakura thought as she scooted closer to him, waiting for him to make his move.

~*~

"And?" Ino questioned.

"I waited…" Sakura continued, "…and waited and waited and waited and _waited_."

"So, what happened?" Ino nearly screamed.

Sakura looked down at her feet, "I fell asleep."

Ino snorted, covering her mouth, trying unsuccessfully not to laugh.

Sakura's eyebrow twitched as multiple blood vessels popped up all over her forehead.

"What—what did Sasuke do after you fell asleep?" Ino asked, grinning widely.

Sakura growled at Ino slightly, "Well, he was _still_ there when I woke up so I guess he fell asleep too."

Ino snickered, "Well, I guess now you can say that you ' _slept_ ' with Sasuke!" She said, making quote signs in the air.

Sakura grumbled.

~*~

Tsunade didn't have to hear Shizune's explanation to guess what happened on her desk. The Hokage simply lifted up her books and papers and pulled out a large blank scroll and spread it over the surface.

Shizune's face turned deep red as Tsunade shot her a knowing glance.

"Now, to write more letters." Tsunade said as she grabbed the stacks of lists and blank papers.

The Hokage decided to relieve Shizune of her discomfort by waving her hand to let Shizune know she was free to leave.

She all but ran out the door.

Tsunade giggled slightly as she watched her go. But then, she turned her attention to picking out some lists.

"Let's see…" Tsunade said, picking out several and beginning to write:

~*~

"Dear Shino: You are a great ninja, and I like your sunglasses. You're a great friend and teammate. Could we have dinner tonight? At your place? Love…"

"Dear Lee: You are a youthful example of ninja-ness. If you're up for it, come over to my place tonight and show me how much of a man you are. Love…"

"Dear Sasuke: I admire your greatness. I wish you were mine. If you'll be with me tonight, at your place, I promise to shut up afterward. Love…"

"Dear Shikamaru: You have a nice butt. See you tonight, at your place. Love…"

"Dear Sakura: You are the most beautiful of the lotus blossoms. Your spirit blooms more pretty than flowers. Your hair is pink like my heart that beats for you. Your love is—well I'll read more poetry to you when I meet you. At your place? Tonight? Love…"

"Dear Ino: Please come see me tonight. You are a great ninja. Just don't tell anybody…"

"Dear Tenten: Your hair reminds me of a princess. Would you come over to my place tonight if it's not too troublesome? Love…"

"Dear Hinata: The way you breathe leaves me breathless. You are the epitome of the female specimen. Come have dinner with me tonight at my place. Love…"

~*~

Tsunade cackled to herself as she sealed the letters one by one into the envelopes.

Once finished, she dug into her drawer for something special. Finally she located and whipped out her other perfume, 'La Shinobi Piece de Resistance' and sprayed it all over the envelopes.

Tsunade kissed the bottle afterward.

"This one's even _more_ sexy…"

~*~

Naruto was out walking casually when suddenly he saw Sasuke walking past with his usual head-up-the-butt expression on his face and his hands in his pockets. Naruto ran up next to him—being very curious as to what happened the previous night.

"Hey, Sasuke!" Naruto yelled.

"Er…" Sasuke narrowed an eye at him.

"So," Naruto blinked, "How did the thing with Sakura go?" He asked slyly, expecting to hear anything but—

"I slept with her." Sasuke suddenly replied flatly before continuing on his way, leaving Naruto sprawled out on the ground, once again foaming at the mouth.


	12. Round Two

**J** ust as Tsunade had finished handing off all the new envelopes that were ready to mail that afternoon, there was a knock at her door.

"Come in." Tsunade called out casually.

"Hokage-sama!" Gai greeted as he appeared in the doorway.

"Hi, Gai." Tsunade smiled, "Have a seat. Let's see what I can _do_ for you." She gestured to a chair.

Gai flashed a smile and sat down.

Tsunade whipped out one of her big thick medical jutsu books, "Just wait for a minute while I look through here and see if I can't find a _Sunburn-Away no Jutsu_."

~*~

> Meetings

~*~

Lee was quietly reading a book in his room when suddenly he heard a thud at his door.

"Oh!" Lee exclaimed at he made his way over to the door, opening it.

He began to smile really big, "I got mail!"

~*~

"I got another letter?" Hinata peeped as she opened it.

"Oh!" She exclaimed sheepishly, "T-this is sudden. O-oh."

She slowly smiled.

"Shino…"

~*~

Sasuke opened his letter.

"Oh, hell."

~*~

Ino opened hers, "OH YES!"

~*~

"Hmmm…" Tenten hummed slyly, smiling slightly.

Her mind formed an idea.

"If _Ino_ can pretend that Shikamaru is _Sasuke_ —"

~*~

Sakura blinked at her note, "Lee?" She said as she read it.

She smiled slightly.

"I guess," Sakura thought, "I _do_ need a little cheering up after last night's _failure_."

~*~

Meanwhile, Jiraiya was sneaking about outside the Hokage's office. He had followed Gai there because he wanted to make sure that Tsunade wasn't planning on _doing_ anything to him besides _curing_ his sunburn.

Jiraiya ran down the hall and settled himself up against the door and listened. He could just barely hear some voices on the other side.

"I'm sorry Gai, but I couldn't find a jutsu to cure your sunburn completely."

Jiraiya then heard some tearful babbling before Tsunade spoke again.

"But, I have _another_ idea."

Jiraiya blinked as he heard some rustling about. There were a few clanking noises and thudding about. Suddenly everything went silent. Jiraiya raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, your skin is so _rough_!"

Gaping, Jiraiya's eyes went wide. "Nuh _uh_!" He yelled in his thoughts.

"Heh, _your_ skin is so _soft_!"

Jiraiya twitched in aggravation, "Nuh UH!" He thought, "T-they can't be!"

He gasped as he pushed his ear further into the door, trying to listen as several minutes of complete silence seemed to pass on the other side.

Suddenly, the door abruptly opened, sending Jiraiya tumbling into the room.

Tsunade's eyes twitched at the sight of him.

He looked up to see Gai standing over him—apparently on his way out the door. But, something was _off_.

Jiraiya looked up at Gai and blinked, "Is that…MAKEUP?"

~*~

Lee decided to spend the rest of the afternoon strolling through the forest—he was still carrying his precious note from Sakura. He wanted to prepare for their meeting tonight. Lee had already finished his poem, but now he was out to look for some flowers to give to her.

Lee was walking along when he spotted a small flower at his feet. He walked a little further before he saw another. And another. And another. And _another_.

Soon, Lee found himself in a large clearing filled with beautiful flowers of many colors. There were so many blossoms that there was no grass in sight.

As Lee drew closer, stepping away from behind the trees, he spotted someone sitting in the middle of the huge clearing of flowers.

"She can't be more than a few years older than me," He thought as he looked at the tall woman with the long, orange hair, who currently had her back to him.

When Lee took a step closer, he stepped on a twig that snapped loudly, causing the woman to spin her head around and look at him through the _ANBU_ mask that she was sporting on her face.

Lee gasped, but it was not because of her ANBU mask, it was because of the person she revealed to be sitting across from her when she moved.

"G—Gaara!"

Interrupted in the middle of picking a flower, Gaara blinked at Lee with an expression of mild surprise—but no where _near_ the level of surprise that _Lee_ felt at finding the fearsome Gaara of the Desert in the middle of a flower bed picking _flowers_.

Cautiously, Lee took a few steps further into the flower filled clearing. The wind was blowing and petals were flying everywhere.

The ANBU with the raccoon-dog mask looked back over at Gaara. Gaara watched as Lee slowly came closer, studying the crutch that Lee still used to walk. Lee had still not healed completely from the injuries that Gaara had given him during the chuunin exams that occurred not that long ago.

Lee paused and stood only a few feet away from the ANBU and Gaara. The Sand ninja looked up at Lee—his eyes were not as narrowed as they used to be.

Lee blinked.

Gaara slowly picked himself up, causing the flower in his hand to be fully ripped from the ground.

The female ANBU watched as Gaara walked over and held out the flower to Lee.

Lee could only stare.

Gaara just stood there waiting, motionless—an unreadable expression on his face.

Slowly, very slowly, Lee reached out and took the flower from Gaara.

Once Lee was satisfactorily holding the flower, Gaara simply turned around and went back to sit down by the raccoon-dog ANBU and pick some more flowers.

Despite the fact that Lee had no clue what just happened, he stared at the little flower in his hand and smiled.

And so, Lee went and sat by Gaara and the ANBU, and they all picked flowers together.

It was so cute you could just throw up.

~*~

_Later that night…_

Hinata put on a friendly smile as she was greeted by Shino at his door.

"Oh!" Hinata peeped sheepishly as she entered and looked around.

In front of her were a little table and two chairs. Lit candles were scattered all about.

Shino greeted her with a bow and led Hinata over to the table. She took a seat as he went over into the kitchen to bring out dinner.

Hinata's eyes lit up as she looked at how fancy he had set up everything. As she adjusted herself into her chair, she noticed several little black dots moving about on the table.

"Oh?" She peeped as she brought her face closer to see.

Hinata watched as five little bugs were struggling to drag her glass to just the right spot on the table. She blinked as she looked over to see _ten_ bugs huffing and puffing to drag the _plates_ to the correct places. And, _several_ little bugs toted a set of chopsticks over to her hand.

Hinata squeaked as she watched one bug fall to his death trying to adjust the table cloth.

~*~

Sakura went over to answer her door to find Lee standing there with a hand full of flowers.

Lee smiled really, really big, "These are for you!"

Sakura's eyes lit up, and she cracked a smile, taking the flowers, "T-thank you!"

Lee grinned even more as he came in the door.

"So…" Sakura began.

"Can-I-read-you-a-poem?" Lee quickly said nervously, "It-took-me-two-whole-days-to-write."

Sakura blinked in surprise and slowly nodded.

Lee paused in thought before beginning to recite, complete with dramatic arm poses and choreography:

"Roses are red…

Violets are blue…

My suit is green…

And your eyes are too!"

Lee smiled really big, his teeth sparkling, giving a thumbs up like Gai.

Sakura raised an eyebrow, laughing nervously, thinking to herself, "It took him _two_ DAYS to write THAT?"

~*~

Hinata and Shino's dinner was going pretty well, except that the room was completely silent.

Hinata was quiet, but Shino was _quieter_.

She just had to try and start a conversation, "Um, Shino?"

"…Yes?"

"It's s-so quiet…Wanna talk about something?"

"Like what?"

"…" Hinata went quiet again as she tried to think.

Shino adjusted his glasses and waited. When Hinata didn't speak up again, he decided to start.

"I like bugs." He said flatly.

"Oh," Hinata smiled, "I love butterflies and ladybugs and little fuzzy caterpillars and—"

~*~

Sasuke laid out on his bed thinking as he waited for Ino to get there. He thought back to the night with Sakura. He had waited, petrified, for her to make some sort of move—he had figured that she would just pounce on him or something. But still, he had lingering doubts as to the truths of her hair color.

"Ino may be more vicious than Sakura," Sasuke sighed, "But at least she doesn't have pink hair."

Knock…knock…

"Oh hell."

Sasuke went over to the door and opened it. Ino shot him a big smile and quickly bounded into the room with a skip and a jump.

Just as Sasuke opened his mouth to utter some word of a greeting, Ino cut him off.

"Let's make this quick." Ino said, getting up close into his face, "I love you, you are hot, and I want to have your babies."

She tilted her head slightly and grinned at him.

Sasuke suddenly lost all of the color in his face.

"Come on!" she said, throwing herself over onto the bed and laying herself out just so.

Sasuke just kind of stood in the middle of the room with wide-eyes that followed Ino's movements.

"Ravish me!" Ino exclaimed with a sly smile.

Sasuke made the mistake of walking over to go stand at the end of the bed to talk to her.

"Uh…" Sasuke began slowly, a sweat-drop forming on his brow, "I… wouldn't mind you uh…'having my babies' _later_ …but I'm not ready for this right _now_."

Sasuke shot her a nervous smile.

Ino raised her eyebrow—it began to twitch slightly.

"Ugh." She grunted in frustration, before tilting her head to the side and shooting him a sly glance out of the corner of her eye.

Sasuke could only stare at her as she suddenly began to make some quick movements with her hands.

" _Shintenshin no Jutsu_! MIND body SWITCH!"

~*~

Tenten entered Shikamaru's room to find him just standing there.

"Hi, Shikamaru!" She called out.

"Hn…" He replied.

Tenten walked up to him and scrutinized him up and down.

"What?" He asked.

Tenten narrowed her eyes in thought, "It'll be hard to pretend _he's_ Neji. If only he had long hair." She pondered to herself.

Shikamaru blinked.

"Can I… take your hair down?" Tenten asked happily.

"Uh," He replied in slight confusion, "…Sure."

Tenten undid his hair—only for it to poof out into an afro.

It didn't fall down long and flat like she wanted. Shikamaru sighed and mumbled something under his breath.

"Hmmm…" Tenten contemplated, trying to figure out how to make his hair more like Neji's, "Wait! I've got it!"

Shikamaru blinked as Tenten ran over and grabbed his arm, dragging him in the direction of the bathroom.

"Let's take a shower _together_!"


	13. Lost and Found

**W** hile all the other little ninjas of Konoha were out having 'fun-fun' time, Naruto and Kiba were spending the night with Neji.

"Ugh!" Naruto grunted as he struggled with Neji's hair. Kiba was sitting beside him.

"Remind me why we're doing this again?" Kiba complained as he pulled out another bead.

"Because I said so." Neji stated flatly.

"Plus you said you'd buy us some ramen later!" Naruto exclaimed, smiling, "Remember?"

Neji grunted in reply as they continued to undo his hair—even Akamaru was helping… although in reality he was just chewing Neji's hair off. But Kiba wasn't _about_ to say anything about _that_. Kiba hadn't forgotten what Neji had done to Hinata during the chuunin exams, and he _especially_ hadn't forgotten that Neji had put Hana on the top of his _list_. Oh, if _only_ Kiba knew what—or should I say _who_ —his sister was doing at the moment.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door and Chouji came strolling in.

"Hey, Chouji!" Naruto called out, "Come help us make Neji's hair manly again!"

Neji's eyebrow twitched slightly.

"So, Chouji…" Kiba began, "Where have you been?"

"Oh," Chouji said nonchalantly, "looking through a high bathroom window."

~*~

> No escape

~*~

"Ha! Ha! Ha!" Ino cackled as her voice came out of Sasuke's lips.

Sasuke's mind was reeling, "I…I CAN'T MOVE MY BODY!"

"Oh, Sasuke…" Ino said playfully, as she looked down at her still body on the bed, "If _only_ you'd agreed to put slot A into slot B, I wouldn't have to _do_ it for you!"

"…WHAT?" Sasuke's mind screamed, "You…you can't…you can't be SERIOUS!"

Ino grinned widely as she lifted Sasuke's hands up in front of her to see.

Sasuke could only watch as Ino took hold of his waist-band, pulling his pants open just a few inches.

"Ha!" Ino suddenly yelled, "Take THAT, _Sakura_! I've seen something YOU _haven't_!"

"ACK! STOP IT!"

"Oh, Sasuke," Ino sighed, "Stop complaining…This won't be a walk in the park for me either."

"In fact," Ino blinked as she looked at her body, "This…will be pretty _weird_."

"GET. OUT. OF. MY. HEAD!"

Ino poked her leg, " _Really_ weird."

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sasuke then started screaming in his mind, causing Ino to grasp his head as though it were her own.

"Ow!" Ino yelled through Sasuke's mouth as his curse mark activated, zapping her.

Sasuke fell over, finding himself once again in control of his own body.

Sasuke's eyes went really wide as he looked up to see Ino begin to stir on the bed.

"Oh, _hell_!" Sasuke yelled as he bolted up and busted through his window, hopping roof to roof as far away from Ino and her crazy-ass jutsu as possible.

"Ugh." Ino grunted as she sat up groggily on the bed, "I almost _had_ him!"

She paused in contemplation.

"Or should I say that _he_ almost had _me_ …"

Ino blinked.

"Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that I almost had _myself_ …"

~*~

Sasuke plopped himself down for a breather as soon as he found a safe roof to perch on.

"What's the fun in making babies…" Sasuke breathed heavily, "Unless I'M the one _doing it_!"

Sasuke immediately pulled something out of his pocket, "I can't _take_ this anymore!"

He unfolded the blank piece of paper and immediately began to write:

"Dear Orochimaru: Please come take me away from this place. It's horrible. They've canceled all the missions. All everyone does anymore around here is have constant sex. I'll never get strong enough to kill Itachi that way! I need to TRAIN! I need to go on MISSIONS! Sincerely Yours, Sasuke Uchiha."

Once satisfied with his letter, Sasuke stealthily moved through the night until he came across the messenger birds that Konoha uses to send mail long distances.

He immediately gave the letter to one and told it to go to Orochimaru's house. Soon the bird was off, flying away in the distance—not that it had any clue where the heck Orochimaru lives.

~*~

Kakashi didn't have a clue what time it was. He probably didn't know what day it was either. All he knew was that it was daylight outside.

Kurenai and Asuma were walking hand in hand through the restaurant looking for a seat, when they spotted a certain jounin with his face on the table—sporting an even more stoned-out-of-his-mind expression than usual.

"Hey, Kakashi!" Asuma said as he and Kurenai took a seat across from him in the booth—setting down their drinks.

Kakashi kind of tried to look at them from the way he was sitting with his head lying on the table—although he wasn't so much sitting as leaning on the table. His arms dangled down in the gap between the seat and the tabletop.

"Hn…" Kakashi managed to make a weak noise in reply to Asuma.

Asuma blinked at Kakashi and the horrible state he was in.

"Why… are you _barefoot_?" Asuma asked in confusion as he glanced under the table.

Kakashi sighed.

"I'd rather not talk about it." Kakashi spoke softly, "…I haven't slept in four _days_."

Kurenai and Asuma gave him a look of concern, "Maybe you should go to bed..."

"I've _been_ in bed." Kakashi replied.

Asuma blinked.

"oh."

"…"

" _OOOoh…_ " Asuma suddenly said again in realization.

Kurenai let her mouth hang open a bit, "Whoa…"

"Yeah." Kakashi agreed.

"Huh." Asuma mumbled—right before he felt Kurenai putting her hand somewhere she shouldn't be putting it in public.

" _Not-right-now_ ," Asuma whispered quickly to Kurenai, batting her hand away from his legs with a smile.

Kurenai answered him by pulling on his arm and whispering in his ear, "Maybe _we_ could disappear for four days and—"

THOMP

The jounins at the table looked up—well, Kakashi tried to look, but he didn't move much—to see that a certain little orange book had just been plopped down in front of the Copy-ninja's face.

"I thought I should return this to you," Anko said grinning as she stood there with her hands on her hips, "It was a stroke of luck that Iruka happened to be carrying that when I _invited_ him to our little… _gathering_."

Kakashi twitched slightly.

Anko reached over and tapped the book, pushing it a little closer to Kakashi's face, "How about next time we… get _together_ , we try and get through chapters 15-30?"

"…"

"Anyways, let me know if you see Iruka around…" Anko turned to leave with a wave of her hand, "See you later, _hon_!"

Kakashi sweat-dropped.

"Hon?" Asuma repeated as Anko walked off.

"…"

"So…" Kurenai began, taking a sip of her drink, "Just what happened between you, Anko, and Iruka?"

"You don't want to know."

Just as Asuma and Kurenai had opened their mouths to prod further, Kakashi went and cut them off—

"Let's just say that Iruka was the lucky one. He escaped the first night…"

Asuma grimaced, his imagination running wild, "If _he_ could escape, why couldn't _you_?"

"That…" Kakashi sighed as he thought about the caresses of the ANBU women, "…is a whole other story…. All _you_ need to know is that I was too tired and weak to attempt anything. _Iruka_ , on the other hand…"

"What?" Kurenai asked as Asuma took a big sip of his drink.

Kakashi laughed softly, "…He used that substitution jutsu so fast that it took Anko a few seconds to realize that she was humping a _log_."

Asuma proceeded to spit his drink out all over Kakashi's head.

Kakashi blinked as his hair dripped onto the table.

"I… _realize_ that I needed a bath," Kakashi began, "But…not _that_ badly."

Asuma sweat-dropped and scratched his head.

"Kakashi," Kurenai sighed, "Why _are_ you in a restaurant, when you _should_ be home asleep?"

"I was hungry." Kakashi replied, "I haven't eaten a meal in days _either_."

Asuma and Kurenai gave the Copy-ninja a sympathetic look.

A moment later, one of the restaurant people brought Kakashi his take-out. The others watched as he picked up his box of food, put away his orange book, and slowly got up, heading home to finally get some sleep.

"Bye, Kakashi." They said as he left.

"Hello, fellow youthful jounins of Konoha!" suddenly exclaimed a voice from behind them. Asuma and Kurenai spun around to see Gai.

But, they were not the only ones who noticed the outburst.

"GAI!" Anko screamed from the far side of the restaurant.

~*~

Two shady figures were walking along a desolate area of road when suddenly a bird flew in front of their path and landed in the middle of the road to peck at some seed.

The shady figures paused and studied the bird—it had a message tied to it.

A stomach growled loudly.

One of the men stepped closer to the bird, "Can I eat it?"

"..."

"Can I eat it?"

"No."

"I want to eat it!"

"No."

"I'm hungry!"

"…"

"Please, can I eat it?"

"No." The other shady figure stepped out and grasped the bird tightly, removing the message.

As he unfolded the message to read it, he sat the bird back down.

"Hmmm…" He said as he read the note.

The other shady figure blinked.

Suddenly, the man tore up the note into tiny pieces before turning around and heading in a direction opposite to the one that they _had_ been traveling in.

"Where are you going? It took us a long while to get this far. Now we are turning back?"

No answer.

"Itachi?" Kisame asked in confusion.

Itachi kept walking.

Kisame blinked as he looked at the torn note and the bird that was still pecking the ground.

"Can I eat it _now_?" Kisame yelled.

No reaction or answer.

"That's a yes!" Kisame grinned as he ran over and grabbed the bird by the neck, gulping it down his throat like the shark that he is.

"Mmm!" Kisame hummed as he caught back up with Itachi, coughing up bird feathers along the way, "Where are we going?"

"Konoha."

~*~

Kakashi yawned as he laid his head down on his soft pillow. He finally had a full tummy and was ready to sleep for a very, very long time.

Just as he shut his eyes, he felt a strange tug at his foot.

Kakashi's eyes shot open to see a female ANBU crouched at the edge of his bed with a firm grasp of his ankle.

His eyes went wide. There was a second one at his window—halfway in and halfway out.

The ANBU at his feet suddenly held up a pair of familiar footwear.

"We just wanted to return these—" She said, tilting her head.

Just as Kakashi was about to let out a sigh of relief, the woman tugged at his leg, sliding him halfway off the bed.

Kakashi shot them a questioning look.

"—among other _things_ ," She finished with a playful tone, tossing his shoes into the middle of his bed as the other ANBU woman came from the window and took his other leg.

" _Again_?" Kakashi asked incredulously.

They answered him by pulling him all the way off the bed and into the floor, closer to the window.

"There are… some _more_ girls who want to _meet_ you." They said as they dragged him out the window to places unknown.


	14. Propositions

**I** t wasn't long before the ANBU women arrived at their destination, dragging Kakashi—passed out due to sheer exhaustion—along. They opened the door to the large room, revealing a dozen other female ANBU awaiting their arrival.

"We got us another one!" one of the girls toting Kakashi yelled happily.

There were some noises of excitement as all the ANBU surrounded him.

They blinked.

There was a long pause.

"He looks kinda _dead_."

"Naw… _Naw_ …" The ANBU that brought Kakashi said, waving her hand, "He'll be _fine_ …"

Kakashi twitched slightly.

"…I guess."

Suddenly, the door to the place opened once again. They all looked up from the collapsed jounin to see. In the doorway was a tall, orange haired ANBU wearing a raccoon-dog mask. Holding her hand was Gaara—he had a flower crown on his head.

"Awe, isn't he _precious_!" Several of the ANBU surrounding Kakashi squealed as they rushed over to look at Gaara.

The raccoon-dog female ANBU sweat-dropped.

And so, Kakashi finally got a few moments of peace while the ANBU were preoccupied with hugging on Gaara and petting his hair and telling him how cute he is.

~*~

> An offer too good to refuse

~*~

Tsunade was sitting at her desk when there was a knock at her office door.

"Come in." Tsunade called out casually.

"Hey, baby!"

The Hokage narrowed her eyes, " _You_ again, Jiraiya?" She said with mild annoyance.

Jiraiya smirked playful as he went around the front of her desk before slapping his hands on the table.

"I challenge you to a drinking contest!" He yelled dramatically.

Tsunade raised an eyebrow, " _What_?"

"I bet that I can drink more than you!" Jiraiya said.

Tsunade shot him a skeptical look, "You don't have any money. You don't even have enough to _buy_ any liquor."

"That's why _you'll_ be buying the sake." Jiraiya said, very sure-of-himself.

Tsunade laughed, "You just want me to pay for you to get yourself _drunk_."

"No, no no. Listen!" Jiraiya leaned on her desk, "You like to gamble, right?"

Tsunade rolled her eyes.

"How about this…" Jiraiya continued, "If _I_ win the drinking contest, _you_ have to sleep with _me_ …but if _you_ win, _I_ have to sleep with _you_ …"

Tsunade stared at Jiraiya and blinked.

"No."

~*~

Ever since her 'fight' with Shikamaru, Temari had done nothing but search for her brothers. She had yet to find them. How could she? She would never have thought that on the list of places Kankuro and Gaara were most likely to hang out that Kiba's sister's house and a flower bed would be at the top of the list.

Now, Temari found herself sitting in a chair next to an outdoor restaurant, taking a rest, watching the various people of Konoha walking down the street.

Suddenly, she spotted Kankuro. He was walking with some woman.

"Kankuro!" Temari screamed, "Where have you been? We STILL haven't reported to the Hokage!"

"Uh…sorry for running off," Kankuro winced as he spotted Temari, "But, I'm kinda busy." He said, looking over at Hana. "Can't you just go by yourself?"

"I did go by myself," Temari sighed, "But the Hokage wasn't in. Anyway, her assistant asked where the rest of us were. So, I decided to track you guys down before I go back!"

Kankuro blinked.

Kiba's sister whispered something into his ear.

"I've _really_ gotta go, Temari," Kankuro said apologetically.

Temari looked like she was ready to whap Kankuro with her fan—that was, until she spotted a certain someone waltzing down the street.

"G-Gaara?"

Gaara was walking down the street—a female ANBU attached at _each_ hand. The two girls were both sporting raccoon-dog masks, except the first's mask had red markings on the white part, while the second had blue. Apparently, a little while ago when he was swarmed with attention by the ANBU women, he gained a new _friend_.

Temari blinked.

"When did _that_ happen?" Kankuro exclaimed, wide-eyed.

~*~

_Meanwhile..._

"I almost had him!" Ino screamed in frustration.

" _Sure_ …" Sakura said sarcastically, rolling her eyes as she walked next to Ino.

At the moment, Inner Sakura was secretly having a party over the fact that Ino, too, failed at 'getting any' from Sasuke: "YES! YES! HA! Stupid INO! Sasuke can _still_ be MINE!"

Just as Ino was about to go on another rant, she happened to spot Shikamaru.

"Huh?" Ino thought as she looked over at her teammate, "Wait…a…second."

Ino suddenly broke off from Sakura and ran up to Shikamaru as a light bulb went off in her head. Sakura paused and blinked a moment before she just kept on walking.

"Heeeey, Shika _maru_!" Ino yelled playfully in a sing-song fashion.

"Hn?" Shikamaru looked over as she rushed up to him, "What is it?"

"Could you…" She began slowly, "… _do_ something for me?"

~*~

Shikamaru blinked.

"You want me to _what?_ " Shikamaru said skeptically.

"All you would have to do is hold him still with your shadow for just a little bit!" Ino pleaded.

"It's too troublesome." Shikamaru replied flatly, "Besides, it would not be right to do such a thing to Sasuke."

"Please?" Ino begged as Shikamaru turned and began to leave.

She blinked as he left.

"I could fondle you some more maybe?"

~*~

Sakura vaguely wondered what Ino and Shikamaru could be talking about as she continued on her way.

"Hey, Sakura!"

Sakura turned around to see Lee running up to her. He was carrying a handful of flowers along with some sort of note.

Blushing, Lee immediately handed the flowers and note to Sakura before turning around and running off again.

"Bye, Sakura!"

The pink haired ninja blinked, "Lee?"

She glanced down at the gifts he left her in her hands. The flowers were beautiful. The note was—

Sakura unfolded the note, " _Another_ poem?" She said as she began to read it:

"…Lotus blossom of

Youthfulness blooms. Sakura,

…Your hair is pretty!

—a Haiku by Lee."

Sakura's eyebrow twitched slightly.

~*~

Next, Sakura passed by Shino, Hinata, and Kiba. Shino looked deep in thought. Well, Shino always looks deep in thought.

In reality, Shino was thinking back to his dinner with Hinata. She had pecked him on the cheek when she left that night.

Hinata seemed zoned out as well, until Sakura noticed her eyes following something. It was a certain yellow haired ninja that was coming this way. He was walking along, staring at the ground.

"Na—Naruto?" Hinata peeped as he drew closer.

"Huh?" Naruto looked up at the sound of his name.

But, then—

"WAAAAHHH!"

As soon as he spotted Sakura, Naruto started bawling as he ran away, "I hope your babies have PINK HAIR!"

Unfortunately, Naruto was still under the impression that Sasuke _slept_ with the pink haired ninja.

Sakura, Hinata, and Kiba blinked.

"What's _his_ problem?" Sakura asked with a confused look.

~*~

In the end, Temari had to give up on trying to get Kankuro or Gaara to go with her to the Hokage's office. So, she decided to go by herself… _again_.

As Temari arrived, opening the door to Tsunade's office, she caught the tail end of a conversation.

"You know, if _I_ was infertile I'd use it as an excuse to have even MORE sex—"

"Oh, _Jiraiya_... you never have _any_ sex."

"How would _you_ know?"

"Am I interrupting something?" Temari added.

Jiraiya blinked.

"No." Tsunade smiled at the sand ninja, "How can I help you?"

"I'm just reporting in…" Temari replied as she came closer.

"I guess I should explain your mission details to you." Tsunade said.

Temari took a seat in front of the Hokage.

"Oh!" Tsunade suddenly exclaimed pulling three papers out of her desk and handing it to Temari, "Could you make sure that you and the other sand ninjas fill _these_ out?"

The blonde sand ninja raised an eyebrow as she looked at the paper, "What is it?"

"It's," Tsunade said slyly, "…a survey…of sorts…"

~*~

Two days later, Tsunade once again found herself writing letters. This time would be the third round.

"Hokage-sama?" Shizune asked as she watched the Hokage scribbling along, "If you do this again, don't you think the shinobi will start to catch on?"

Tsunade looked up at Shizune.

"They haven't figured it out _so_ far. I've been using different perfumes on the envelopes every time to throw them off."

Shizune titled her head, "Do you think maybe you should send out some letters to people who _didn't_ put each other on their lists so it won't look as suspicious?"

"Hmmm…" Tsunade said as she tapped her finger on the table, "Maybe I _will_ mix it up a bit."

The Hokage grinned as she began to write out the letters.

"Dear Sakura: Your hair makes me hungry for you. If it's not too troublesome, please come see me tonight. Love…"

"Dear Hinata: You are really sweet and cute like a puppy dog. Can I come over to your place tonight? Love…"

"Dear Ino: Your name _is_ Ino right? I think I spelled that right…"

"Dear Tenten: I'm not interested in you or anything. I just need someone to talk to about stuff. Could you give me some advice? At my place tonight?…"

~*~

It only took Itachi and Kisame two days to reach Konoha.

Itachi didn't take two steps inside the village before he was swept up by an ANBU.

Kisame could only stand there and blink in shock.

There was a long pause.

A minute later, Kisame found Itachi on his butt on the ground, having been thrown back—the ANBU sweat-dropping profusely and zipping off into the distance yelling something back in their direction:

"Oh shit! Sorry dude, I thought you were a woman!" the _male_ ANBU yelled in apology.

And so, the first male ANBU to attempt to follow the females' example was the last.

It was just too risky. Half the time, that pretty, long haired woman over yonder—is actually a pretty, long haired _man_.

Itachi blinked.

"Itachi?" Kisame asked questioningly as Itachi slowly picked himself back up, turned around and began to slowly walk back out of the village again.

"Itachi?" Kisame blinked as he watched his fellow Akatsuki member pass outside the gates.

Suddenly Chouji happened to pass by.

Kisame stared at the genin.

Chouji stared back.

Chouji's eyes began to get really wide as he suddenly lifted his arm and pointed at Kisame.

Kisame blinked.

"Sushi!" Chouji suddenly yelled, whipping out a huge butcher knife from behind his back.

Kisame's eyes went wide as he began to twitch involuntarily.

"SUSHI!" Chouji yelled louder, coming after Kisame.

Kisame sweat-dropped as he turned and ran after Itachi in confusion.

He was so shocked he dropped his sword along the way.

"Aww…" Chouji sighed as the big, yummy-looking shark-man disappeared into the distance.


	15. Pick Me Up

**Y** et again, Tsunade finished up a batch of letters and got Shizune to hand them off to the express-mail ninjas. Many unexpecting shinobi would be finding their doors filled with sharp projectiles—scent filled envelopes attached to them by a string.

Sakura just happened to be over at Ino's house when the blonde ninja checked her mail.

Ino made a strange face as she read the note.

"What the…"

"Hm?" Sakura asked, filled with curiosity.

"How the heck did I get a letter from that stupid blonde?" Ino said, waving her arms in disbelief.

"Look who's talking." Sakura smirked as she pointed at Ino's hair.

A blood vessel popped up on Ino's forehead as she fumed, "I meant _Naruto_!"

Sakura raised an eyebrow, somewhat surprised that _he_ would be sending Ino a love letter.

"What does it say?" Sakura asked as she peeped over Ino's shoulder to look at the note.

Ino shrugged, "He wants to meet me at the ramen place…" She scoffed.

"Heh," Sakura grinned as she said playfully, "I _guess_ you _will_ need _someone_ once Sasuke is all MINE."

"Dream ON, Sakura!" Ino glared at the pink haired genin, folding up the note.

Sakura briefly bared her teeth at Ino before another thought popped into her head.

"So…are you going to go?"

"Eh," Ino shrugged, "Might as well…I've got to eat _something_ anyway…"

~*~

> Exercises in flattery

~*~

Jiraiya was spending his afternoon trudging along with his hands in his pockets on the streets of Konoha. He had an expression on his face that was somewhere between disgusted and disappointed. The perverted white haired man briefly glanced up at the rooftops pondering in passing why there seemed to be fewer and fewer ANBU attacks these past two days.

Suddenly, his ears picked up a noise to his right. He turned to see Naruto sitting on the ground, blowing his nose rather loudly—and repeatedly. Jiraiya looked at the poor genin, thinking that he looked rather down—even more down on his luck that he was.

"Oy," Jiraiya said, walking up to Naruto, "What's wrong with _you_?"

Sniffle…sniffle…sniffle…

"Th—This girl I like…" Naruto whined, "She's… having some _other_ guy's babies..."

"Ah." Jiraiya said, nodding his head in understanding, "What else is new?"

Naruto blinked as Jiraiya seemed to be staring off in the distance. "What?"

"Huh?" Jiraiya looked back at Naruto.

"Anyway," Naruto continued, "…I got a note from this _other_ girl to go eat ramen, but I've never been on a date and I don't know what to do and—"

"You've come to the right place!" Jiraiya said dramatically, striking a pose, "With _Jiraiya's_ advice, you are _sure_ to score!"

Naruto scrunched up his face, "Score what?"

"Eh…" Jiraiya sweat-dropped, relaxing his pose.

Naruto just continued to stare at him.

"Uh…" Jiraiya looked at Naruto in disbelief, trying to think of something.

"…"

"Oh!" Jiraiya exclaimed as he began to dig through his satchel, "I can lend you my book—"

Naruto's eyes went wide, "NO nonono!" He waved his hands furiously, "I don't want one of your dirty _perverted_ books!"

"Naw, _Naw…_ " Jiraiya waved a hand at Naruto reassuringly, "It's not that, it's just my personal book of pick-up lines!"

Jiraiya grinned as he placed a small black book into Naruto's curious hands.

"Pick-a what?" Naruto asked, glancing at the book in his hands skeptically.

Jiraiya slapped his hand against his own head, "You don't know _anything_ do you."

"What?"

"Nothing...nothing…" Jiraiya said quickly, "Just…All you have to do is read some lines to the girl and she will be all over you."

"Really?" Naruto said, grinning with excitement.

"Y-yeah." Jiraiya smiled, scratching his head.

"Wow, thanks!" Naruto exclaimed, sticking the book in his pocket as Jiraiya turned to leave.

"You get a lot of letters from girls, huh?" Naruto called out as he stood up.

Jiraiya smirked, "Hundreds—no, _thousands_!"

Yeah. In his dreams.

~*~

_That night, it all started once again..._

Hinata paced around her room, fiddling with her fingers nervously. She sighed as she wondered when Kiba would get there. She smiled as she thought of the letter she received. It had been really sweet of Kiba.

Hinata peeped slightly as she heard a knock.

She rushed over to let her teammate in. Hinata opened the door to reveal Kiba—with Akamaru on his head as always.

Kiba grinned as Akamaru barked in greeting.

"H-hi." She said sheepishly.

"Hey, Hinata." Kiba replied.

As he stepped through the door, Hinata spoke again, "C-could you take off your j-jacket?"

Kiba blinked at the sudden question—a blush appearing across his face.

"Why?"

"Um…" Hinata's face turned red, "I… l-like your hair?"

"Really?" Kiba smiled, slowly taking his hood off and setting his jacket to the side.

Hinata nodded as she stared at his spiky hair—that hair that reminded her _so_ much of Naruto's.

~*~

Elsewhere, Naruto and Ino were just kind of staring at each other as they sat in their chairs in front of the ramen stand.

Ino was tapping her foot and looking rather disinterested, while Naruto was staring at her trying to remember what her name was.

Eventually, Ino got tired of the silence.

"Say something." She demanded as she finished slurping down some more noodles.

"Uh…" Naruto scrutinized her, scrunching up his face, trying to think of a topic.

There was a long pause.

"Hey, your hair is the same color as mine!" Naruto exclaimed as though he had _just_ noticed this fact.

Ino's eyebrow twitched in aggravation,

"Thanks for stating the _obvious_!" She replied, dripping with sarcasm.

Naruto grinned, "You're welcome!"

"Ugh…" Ino sighed, "…remind me why I even bothered to come here…" She said to no one in particular.

Of course, Naruto felt that this was directed at him.

"Uh…" He explained slowly, "Because you wanted to buy me some ramen?"

"Eh?" Ino stared at him like he was crazy, "I thought you said YOU were paying!"

"What?" Naruto mumbled, choking down another mouthful of ramen before gasping, "I thought YOU were!"

Ino narrowed her eyes at him, "That's _it_ , I'm outta here."

Naruto's eyes went wide as she started to get up, "Nonono! WAIT!" He pleaded as he frantically searched his pockets, just having remembered Jiraiya's 'gift' from earlier.

Ino plopped back down in her seat, curiosity getting the better of her at what could possibly be so special about the little black book that Naruto was currently flipping through furiously.

She blinked as he stopped on a page. She watched as he stumbled over his words, sweating profusely.

"Uh…" Naruto began, "How'd you like to feel my _chakra_?"

He grinned sheepishly.

"What?" She asked, confused.

"Uh…" Naruto sweat-dropped, flipping to another page, "How'd you like to _unfurl_ my sacred _scroll_?"

" _Eh_?" Ino exclaimed, tilting her head.

"Um…" Naruto looked up at her and then over at the other page, doing his best to give her a sexy smile, "How'd you like to see my _kunai_?"

"…" Ino glared at him as she began to catch on.

Naruto scooted a little closer, finding another line on the page, "How'd you like to have my _throwing-knife_ in your _shuriken_?"

Ino gaped at him in disgust as he scratched his head and laughed nervously.

Naruto didn't get a chance to flip to another page, because Ino suddenly grabbed him viciously by his orange collar, throwing him into the air.

"You damn _pervert_!" She screamed as he landed across the street in an alley-way.

Naruto groggily got up from the ground just in time to see Ino's fist connecting squarely with his face.

"AAAAAAH!" He yelled as he was laid out in the street. This time he was knocked unconscious—eyes a spinning.

"Hmph!" Ino grunted, smacking her hands together to get the pervert-cooties off as she stared at a job well-done.

Just as she was about to storm off in a huff, she heard a voice.

"Ahem." Coughed the ramen shop manager, holding out his hand, awaiting payment for the genins' meals.

"Uh…" Ino sweat-dropped before immediately pointing at Naruto accusingly, "Put it on his tab?"

The restaurant guy shook his head a firm 'no.'

"Ugh!" Ino exclaimed as she dug through Naruto's pockets, not finding any money.

She squealed in frustration as she went back over to the ramen stand and got her own money out to pay for their meals.

~*~

As Sakura made her way over to Shikamaru's house she thought back to the letter she had received from him. It just didn't seem right. In fact, it was really weird. Sakura shrugged off her curious thoughts.

"I guess I'll find out in a moment." She pondered aloud as she knocked on his door.

It was a few minutes before Shikamaru bothered to let her in.

"So…troublesome…" He greeted.

Sakura raised an eyebrow at him, " _You're_ the one who invited me."

Shikamaru lit up from his daze a bit, "What?"

"Your letter…" Sakura stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Shikamaru blinked.

"I didn't send you any letter." He stated as he had a seat on the floor.

"Huh?" Sakura questioned, filled with confusion as she sat on the edge of his bed, facing him.

"Hmmm…" Shikamaru hummed, closing his eyes and poising his hands just-so in deep contemplation.

Within five minutes, Sakura and Shikamaru managed to figure out what none of the others could—that the letters were fake. Apparently, the other shinobi were either too dense or preoccupied with hot felt desire to even think to do the obvious thing: ask or thank the other person about the notes.

"So…" Sakura began, tapping a finger on her lip in thought, "If the letters are fake, who sent them?"

"Eh," Shikamaru replied, "There is a high probability that it was the Hokage-sama. She has the most motive in this case."

"I _guess_ ," Sakura scrunched up her face and looked up at the ceiling as she processed this, "But, _why_? Why would she trick us and use our lists for such a purpose?"

"Hn." Shikamaru made a noise of agreement as he closed his eyes again in thought, "It doesn't make any sense—the way she went about it. It was very illogical to attempt to get pairs of ninjas to mate based on those lists."

Sakura propped her elbows on her knees, letting her chin rest on her hands as she listened to Shikamaru talk.

"It would have made more sense to pair us up by our specific strengths and traits in order to make the next generation of ninja more powerful. Strengthening the defense of Konoha and _making_ the next generation _is_ the point of this mission, after all."

"Yeah." Sakura sighed, beginning to get bummed out at the realization that it wasn't Sasuke that sent her that note.

"For example," Shikamaru continued, "It doesn't make any sense for Sasuke to mate with you _or_ Ino… Logically, he should breed with _Hinata_ due to their powerful bloodline traits of the _Sharingan_ and _Byakugan_."

At that, Sakura's eyes flew wide open—her eyebrow twitching involuntarily—as several blood vessels bulged out of her forehead in anger.

"Then, Tenten, with her strength in weaponry ninjutsu should probably breed with Lee due to his strength in taijutsu, coupled with his speed."

"…" At the mention of Lee, a vision of pretty flowers popped into Sakura's head causing her to calm down—if just a little bit.

"Then _Ino_ , not having any specific special qualities… could theoretically breed with whoever is left."

"Ha!" Sakura snorted, now having all but forgotten Shikamaru's comment about Sasuke, "Ino's not special! Ha!"

There was a short pause as Shikamaru tilted his head up slightly to look at the pink haired ninja.

"And lastly, you, Sakura, easily being the most intelligent of the female genins and most of the men as well… should logically breed with _me_ , due to my high IQ… There would be a high chance our children would be extremely intelligent, as well as being very capable ninjas."

There was a pause.

"Y-you…think I'm smart?" Sakura stuttered as a blush ran across her face.

"Hn." Shikamaru nodded.

Sakura smiled.

"That was one hell of a pick-up line."


	16. Wanted

**A** fter sending Orochimaru that letter—or so he thought—Sasuke figured that it would take awhile for Orochimaru to get to Konoha. Therefore, Sasuke decided to just hide himself in his room until then. After Sakura and Ino, he guessed that it would be awhile before more women came a knockin'. Boy was _he_ surprised.

Sasuke stared at the letter in disbelief, "Why…why would _she_ send me a note?"

"Wait," The Uchiha thought aloud as he read further, "Wait…no…she just wants to talk?"

Sasuke blinked in confusion as he sat on his bed, "Well, I guess I don't have anything to fear from _her_. After all, out of all the female genin, she is the most _non_ -psychotic."

"Tenten…" He sighed.

~*~

> I want you to want me

~*~

Later, when Sasuke heard the dreaded knock at his door, he was at first filled with fear due to the trauma he suffered at the hands of Ino—although, getting traumatized was the story of his life.

"Come in," he said slowly.

"Hi!" Tenten said happily as she bounded in.

"So…what do you want to talk about?" The Uchiha asked her as she had a seat.

"Oh," She said casually as she glanced around his room, "You can go first."

"Eh?" Sasuke was caught off guard slightly, "Well…"

Tenten looked at him and smiled.

"I thought you liked the Hyuuga." Sasuke stated.

"Oh, I _do_ love Neji," Tenten grinned, "although Neji loves _himself_."

"Uh…" Sasuke sweat-dropped.

Tenten went over and whispered into Sasuke's ear, "He plays with his hair _far_ too much."

"Heh," Sasuke relaxed a bit, "I bet he has posters of himself in his room!"

She giggled, "He does!"

"You know," Sasuke said to Tenten slowly, "it's really fascinating to be able to actually talk to a female that isn't trying to jump me."

"Well," Tenten replied thoughtfully, tapping a finger to her lips, "If you're really having that much trouble…I know of a way you could _probably_ get them to leave you alone for a few years until you're ready for them."

"How?" Sasuke got up in her face in desperate anticipation.

She grinned, "You could…you know…pretend you like boys?"

Sasuke's eyebrow twitched as his pupils went wide.

~*~

_Sasuke's ~~dream~~ nightmare sequence_

Sasuke jumped in front of Itachi and Kisame.

They stared at him curiously.

"I like boys!" Sasuke exclaimed triumphantly, with his hands on his hips.

There was a long pause.

After a few moments of his lips quivering, Itachi burst out laughing until he fell to the ground and died… _again_.

Sasuke blinked.

Kisame looked down at Itachi and burst out crying as he ran off with his head in his hands, "I thought we had something special!"

Zombie-Itachi sat up, "Wait…what?"

_End ~~dream~~ nightmare sequence_

~*~

Sasuke shook his head violently to get the images out of his head, while at the same time trying not to go into another hyperventilating fit.

"No nononono!" Sasuke said quickly to Tenten, "I'd rather get it on with Sakura and Ino at the _same time_ than go through that!"

There was a pause.

"…I'd rather just revive my clan _now_." He breathed.

"…Okay." Tenten continued, "So… what's the holdup?"

A slight blush ran across Sasuke's face, "I'm not sure how…to go about it."

Tenten grinned as she thought of something.

" _I_ have something that could help you." She said slyly, coming closer to him.

Sasuke gulped as she got up in his face.

He watched as she reached behind her back.

"This!" She suddenly exclaimed, handing him an object.

The Uchiha blinked as he looked at it, "A video?"

Tenten smiled and gave him a thumbs up reminiscent of her teammate, Lee.

"Not just any video," She continued, "an _educational_ video!"

Sasuke blinked.

"You watch that, and I'm sure you'll be able to revive your clan _real_ quick!" She smirked, tilting her head as she walked toward the door.

Sasuke's mouth hung open as he watched her leave.

"Bye," She called out as she was half-way out the door, "I'm gonna run over to Neji's house to see if I can catch him undressing!"

Sasuke stared at the video as his mind processed what all just happened.

A few moments later, he had put the video on the TV—the exact same video that Tenten had borrowed from Ino for Neji to watch.

At first, Sasuke grimaced at the images dancing on the screen, wide-eyed in shock. But then, with new-found determination, he activated his _Sharingan_ eyes.

Sasuke watched the video several times, making sure that he memorized all the _techniques_ on the screen.

~*~

Hinata sat at her desk and wrote in her diary as she reflected on her date with Kiba. She smiled. She had actually had a good time. They had gone out to eat and had a nice meal. Kiba had only left a few minutes ago and—

"Oh!" Hinata peeped as she looked over by the door, "Kiba forgot his jacket!"

She got up from her desk and walked over to Kiba's jacket, picking it up.

"Oh…" She said sadly, "…I hope he doesn't get cold…"

Hinata stared at the soft jacket for a few moments in thought.

"I've _got_ to return it to him." She said, as she rushed out the door.

Hinata walked down the darkened streets of Konoha. The lights from the stores and restaurants flickered across her.

As she passed by a familiar ramen place, she paused.

Glancing down a dark alley-way, she gasped.

"Na-Naruto?"

Hinata grasped her hands close to her chest as she approached his unconscious form.

"Oh!" She breathed sheepishly as she squatted down and looked him over, watching his chest rise and fall as he snored slightly.

Her heart fluttered as she reached out and nudged his orange jacket.

"N-Naruto?" She said quietly.

When he didn't wake up, she poked him a few more times—a blush spreading across her face.

The only response Naruto offered was a louder snore.

"…" Hinata's lips quivered in thought as she stood up and looked around while glancing back at his form.

She blinked as her eye twitched slightly.

"This…t-this might be my _only_ chance…" Hinata thought to herself as she nervously clutched Kiba's jacket tighter.

Suddenly, she turned and ran out back into the main street and looked around to see if anyone was watching—or if anyone would _see_.

Hinata frowned slightly when she noticed a few people walking about.

"No…" She said sadly, before she noticed something in the store window across the street.

They were colorful animal masks—usually sold to children during festivals.

Hinata's eyes lit up as she smiled, rushing over to buy a mask from the festival shop. She picked out a small orange mask of a fox and held out her money to the shop-keeper who was just about to close the store for the night.

Then, having left the shop, she immediately slipped off into the dark shadows and put the fox mask on her face. Sure, it was a little too small for her, but it would serve its purpose. She would just _die_ if anyone were to find out about what she was about to _do_.

Stealthily—the mask obscuring her face—Hinata appeared at Naruto's side, carefully slinging his unconscious form onto her back before she took to the roofs, sprinting back in the direction of her house.

Kiba would have to get his jacket back _another_ day.

~*~

Asuma and Kurenai were also walking the streets of Konoha that night.

Just as Asuma had opened his mouth to say something to Kurenai, Gai suddenly appeared in front of them.

"HEY!" Gai exclaimed, his teeth sparkling.

"Gai?" Kurenai blinked, "We didn't think we'd see you _anytime_ soon since Anko got a hold of you."

Gai looked confused, "What do you mean?"

"Well, we saw her basically drag you off the other day at the restaurant." Asuma replied.

Gai grinned, rubbing his chin with his hand as he spoke, "Oh, yes, that's right. She took me to her place because she said she wanted to 'have some fun' with me."

Asuma raised an eyebrow.

"So then she said I could pick what to _do_ first, and I chose a poetry reading on the nature of the youthful ninja and the blossoming seeds of the lotus!" Gai continued, "Strangely, after about an hour she told me to go home because she had to wash her hair and sharpen her ninja weapons…"

Kurenai's mouth hung open slightly.

Gai scratched his head, "I have gone back over several _times_ , but she always seems to be in the _shower_ …"

He had a far away look in his eyes as he walked off.

Asuma and Kurenai shot each other glance.

~*~

Several minutes later, Anko nearly ran into them.

"What's the deal?" Asuma asked, glancing behind Anko to see a certain green-suit-wearing jounin in the far distance sprinting back towards them.

"Ugh," Anko sighed, "Gai just won't shut up. It's constant! He won't stop talking! It's _always_ , youthfulness _this_ and lotus blossom _that_! Plus, he's always too DAMN happy!"

"So, you're avoiding him?" Asuma said, taking a puff on his cigarette.

"Yeah…" Anko said slowly as she began to look Asuma up and down, "…Hey, how about…you and I—"

"Mine!" Kurenai said quickly, grasping Asuma's arm tightly and narrowing her eyes at Anko.

Anko gave the pair a vaguely disappointed look.

"Why don't you just get back with Kakashi?" Asuma asked.

"I can't find him."

"What about Iruka?"

"He's really good at hiding."

Anko narrowed her eyes and looked at the ground.

Kurenai looked at her fellow kunoichi and felt a little sorry for her.

"Hey," Kurenai began, "If you still want to get a hold of Gai, I've got a great idea…"

Asuma watched as Kurenai dug through her satchel and pulled out what can only be described as the ninja equivalent of handcuffs—along with what looked like a long piece of cloth.

Anko raised an eyebrow, before grinning slyly and taking the items from Kurenai.

"I'm guessing you _do_ know what to do with those, right." Kurenai said playfully.

"Yep," Anko replied with enthusiasm, "First thing I'll do is tie _this_ cloth around his constantly flapping mouth! Thanks!"

Kurenai nodded as Anko ran off in the direction that Gai was, yelling:

"Sweet, sweet silence and hot sexy body here I come!"

After Anko was gone, Asuma looked at Kurenai curiously.

"I didn't know you had those."

"Well…I was saving it for a special occasion."

~*~

Temari yawned as she walked down the street. The sun had just risen a few hours ago and it was a new day.

As she passed a ramen stand and rounded a corner into an alley-way, she was met with a strange sight.

"What the…" She said wide-eyed, walking closer.

"Hey!" Temari said, kicking the snoring figure's foot slightly, "Wake up!"

"Eh?" Naruto snorted slightly as he groggily awoke to find Temari standing over him, "What happened?"

Naruto sat up and mumbled.

"Why am I naked?"

Naruto blinked as this information set in.

"WHERE THE _HECK_ ARE MY PANTS?"

~*~

Having stealthily replaced her _conquest_ back where she found him, Hinata snuggled against the memoirs of her quarry—one Naruto Uzumaki's pants—not to mention his _undies_.


	17. Dreams and Things

**T** emari looked down at Naruto and smirked.

"Must be cold out."

"Ah!" Naruto exclaimed as he quickly covered himself with his hands.

~*~

> I need you to need me

~*~

The blonde sand ninja put her hands on her hips, as she watched Naruto's pitiful attempts to stand up without being able to move his hands.

"So… what _happened_ to you?" She said with curiosity as she grabbed him by his jacket and helped pull him up.

"Well…" Naruto scrunched up his face as he thought about it, "I'm not sure, but…all I remember is this really strange dream that there was this _fox_ , and it was _licking_ me..."

Temari raised an eyebrow as she listened.

"…plus I was a fox _too_ and—" Naruto had a faraway look in his eyes.

"R _iiiiii_ ght." Temari said slowly, theorizing that Naruto must have been dropped on his head many times as a child.

There was a long pause.

"I really need some pants!" Naruto said, staring at Temari.

She blinked, "Well, don't look at _me_."

Naruto's mouth quivered, "Don't you have _anything_ that I could cover up with?"

Temari crossed her arms and tapped her foot in thought before she glanced up at Naruto and walked over to him.

"Hey, wait what are you—" Naruto complained as she snatched his forehead protector off of his head.

She smirked.

"T-that won't be able to cover up—"

"There." Temari said, stepping back.

Naruto blinked, dumbfounded. His forehead protector was now protecting something else entirely.

~*~

Shikamaru and Sakura were walking together down the street, when suddenly they were met face to face with two certain blondes exiting from a dark alley.

Sakura stared at Naruto.

Temari stared at Shikamaru.

"Oh my GOD! What the HELL?" Sakura screamed as she pointed at Naruto's make-shift 'covering.'

"Why is he _naked_?" Shikamaru addressed Temari, raising an eyebrow.

Temari glanced at Sakura before addressing Shikamaru, "Why are you with _her_?"

"Sa-Sakura?" Naruto's eyes went big as she pointed at him.

Temari and Shikamaru turned to look at him.

Naruto took a step closer only for—his head protector to come undone and fall to his feet.

"I did _not_ need to see that. _Ever_." Shikamaru said flatly.

"I guess…I didn't tie it tight enough…" Temari shrugged.

"Naruto!" Sakura gasped, covering her eyes, "You STREAKER!"

Naruto's lips quivered as he picked the cloth back up and put it where it was a few moments earlier—being sure to tie it much tighter this time.

~*~

Once Naruto was semi-adequately covered up once again, he took off home to get a pair of pants, leaving Shikamaru, Sakura, and Temari to stare at each other.

"Come on, Shikamaru," Sakura pulled on his arm, "We gotta go!"

"Where are you two going?" Temari wondered aloud.

"Hn…"

"We're going to confront the Hokage about her fake letter writing!" Sakura said excitedly, shaking her fist in the air.

"Huh?" Temari sweat-dropped, "What are you talking about?"

Sakura blinked, "Oh…I guess you wouldn't know…" She said slowly.

"It's so troublesome." Shikamaru sighed, "The Hokage went and sent out all these fake love notes to and from various people…all based on these troublesome _lists_ we had to fill out. In summary, she tricked us all."

"What?" Temari blinked, reaching through her pocket, "You don't mean blank lists like these do you?" She said, holding up the 'surveys' that Tsunade had requested the Sand fill out.

Shikamaru looked at the papers and nodded, as did Sakura.

"I can't believe I actually almost filled these out!" Temari exclaimed.

Sakura turned to Shikamaru, "Maybe she should come with us."

"Hn," Shikamaru mumbled as he stared up at the clouds as they rolled by, "You two can go. I'll just stay here and—"

Shikamaru frowned as he was interrupted by Temari grabbing him by one arm and Sakura getting him by the other—dragging him in the direction of Tsunade's office.

~*~

Lee was happily strolling along this sunny morning when suddenly he felt his foot bump something.

He looked down to see a little black book just lying in the street.

"Oh!" Lee exclaimed with growing curiosity as he picked it up and began to flip through what was—unbeknownst to him—actually Jiraiya's personal book of pickup lines that had fallen from Naruto's grasp when he was laid out by Ino's fist.

"Hmmm…" Lee hummed as he read a several lines, "This _poetry_ could really use some _work_!"

And with that, he whipped out a writing utensil, and with some red ink he began to 'do the person a big favor' and make it better.

Lee was so absorbed with his 'poetry editing' as he walked along that he wasn't watching where he was going. This resulted in him bumping into Gai.

"Lee!" Gai smiled, slapping a hand onto his students shoulder.

"Gai-sensei!" Lee grinned, tucking the book under his arm so he could concentrate on his teacher.

The green jounin smiled really big.

"Congratulate your sensei, Lee!" Gai exclaimed, "For today I have made it with a woman!"

He struck a triumphant pose.

"YAY! Gai-sensei!" Lee yelled excitedly, clapping.

There was a pause.

Lee blinked, "Made what?"

"Uh…" Gai stared at his student, "Um…how shall I put this…" He thought quickly.

"I have spread my seeds of youthfulness!" Gai exclaimed striking a different pose.

"YAY! GAI-SENSEI!" Lee grinned and clapped even louder—not that he understood any _better_.

~*~

"What?" Jiraiya exclaimed, having heard this information in earshot, "Even YOU have gotten LAID?" He said in disbelief, walking over to Gai and Lee.

Dramatic tears welled up in Jiraiya's eyes, "This isn't _fair_." He mumbled off to himself.

Jiraiya was just about to walk off before he happened to spot what Lee was holding.

"ACK!" Jiraiya exclaimed, slapping his hands against the sides of his head in distress, "What are you doing with my book?"

Lee blinked as the white-haired man grabbed the book out of his hands.

Jiraiya's jaw dropped as he flipped through his pick-up lines seeing nothing but red ink.

"Boy!" Jiraiya grimaced, "What have you done?"

Lee smiled really big, "I made it better!" He said, shooting Jiraiya a thumbs up.

Jiraiya twitched uncontrollably as tears streamed down his face…

~*~

Over in the Hokage's office, Tsunade had just sat down at her desk to begin a fourth round of letter writing when she heard some hurried knocks at her door.

"Yes?" Tsunade said slowly, raising an eyebrow.

A moment later, Shizune ran in through the door, a bead of sweat running down her face.

"Uh…" She said, appearing before the Hokage, pointing over at the three young ninja's rushing into the room.

"Hokage-sama!" Temari exclaimed, slapping a hand on the desk.

"We know about the letters!" Sakura continued, pointing accusingly at Tsunade.

"Well, _shit_." Tsunade thought to herself as she observed the agitated shinobis before her, "I didn't think they would figure it out so quickly…"

The Hokage sighed as she mentally sorted through her options for explaining her actions:

"Option one: blame it all on Jiraiya. Option two: blame it all on Jiraiya. Option three: …pretend that this was some elaborate test of ninja skills to see who could figure out the hoax first. Hmmm…"

Tsunade glanced up at Shikamaru and Sakura and put on a big fake smile.

"Congratulations!" The Hokage grinned, "You figured it out!"

" _Eh?_ " Shikamaru, Sakura, Temari, _and_ Shizune exclaimed in confusion.

"Yeah, uh…" Tsunade quickly dug through her desk, "And here's what you win!"

" _Huh?_ "

"You…get to go up a ninja rank!" Tsunade continued as she looked for something in her desk.

"I-I get to be a chuunin?" Sakura asked slowly, in disbelief.

"Oh, nonono," Tsunade said slyly, pulling out a colorful ribbon and quickly tacking it to Sakura, "Here, you get to be a genin-and-a-half!"

" _Eh?_ " Sakura nearly fell over.

"And _you_ get to be a chuunin-and-a-half!" She said, pinning a random ribbon onto Shikamaru's chuunin vest.

The 'chuunin-and-a-half' gave the Hokage a skeptical look.

"And you, uh…" Tsunade said, handing something to Temari, "… _you_ get a coupon for 20 percent off your next purchase at Konoha's _Ninja-Weapons R Us_."

And so, Tsunade was forced to stop the letter writing.

With no more letters going out, the shinobi of Konoha were left up to their own devices for about TWO WEEKS, all the way up to the day before the second month mark…

~*~

Kakashi yawned as he stretched his legs off the side of his bed. He smiled as he pushed the covers off of him as he sat up. Lately, he had been sleeping really, _really_ well—not only because the ANBU women had curiously been disrupting his sleep less and less, but also because his nightly dreams were filled with visions of his time with them. They were some _really_ good dreams.

"What shall I do today?" He wondered as he got up and glanced about his room.

His eyes met a certain orange book lying on his desk-table.

"Ah, yes." The Copy-nin smiled, clapping playfully as he went over and sat down to read his favorite book.

It was strange. It had been a long while since he had gotten a chance to read Come Come Paradise, _and_ as his eye glanced over the pages he began to realize that what he had lived through this past month was far juicier than anything he could read in this book.

Kakashi sighed and scratched his head. Oh, what could he do?

"Hmmm…I wonder when the next volume comes out…" He wondered, flipping to the end of the book, looking to see if there was an ad or something that told.

But, something else caught his eye.

"Letters to the editor?" The Copy-ninja questioned as he read the page, "'If you have an interesting tale you think would make a great inspiration to the next volume of the Paradise series, please send your story to this address…"

Kakashi grew excited over the idea that a story in his favorite book might get written based on his life _experiences_. And so, he pulled out some paper and began to write.

Of course, the 'letters to the editor' was really just 'letters to the _author_ '—aka Jiraiya.

Reading Kakashi's letter would give Jiraiya the nosebleed of his life.

~*~

Meanwhile, over in the Hokage's office…

"Shizune," Tsunade called out, "Have all the women reported in?"

"Yes, for the most part."

"Did you use the _Pregnancy-Test no Jutsu_?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"99 percent of the ANBU women are pregnant."

Tsunade blinked.

"You know, could have just said 99 percent of the _ANBU_ are pregnant. The men aren't going to get pregnant too."

"Oh…yeah."

"What about the rest of the kunoichi? And the villagers?" Tsunade asked.

"Uh…" Shizune said slowly, "…3 percent."

"ONLY 3 PERCENT!" The Hokage exclaimed, jumping up from her desk.

"Eh…" Shizune shuffled nervously, more sweat pouring from her brow.

"Shizune!" Tsunade called out, pointing at her assistant, "Call a meeting! Get all the male ninjas' butts in here right now!"

~*~

A short time later, Tsunade found herself staring down the large group of genin, chuunin, and jounin men. Several of them were fidgeting slightly. Others were sweating. But many of them looked nervous—not only because they had no clue why they were summoned so suddenly, but also because they knew that today was the very last day of the first month.

There was a long drawn out pause before the Hokage's voice broke the silence.

"What have you guys been _doing_?" Tsunade exclaimed, "Each _other_?"


	18. Nekkie Ninjas

**T** he males ninjas blinked—dumbfounded at Tsunade's outburst.

"I mean seriously," Tsunade continued, staring them down, "Is it really that hard for you all to get laid?"

The Hokage paused for a moment in thought.

"Or perhaps," Tsunade said slyly, "it's because it's _not_ so _hard_ that's the problem?"

Several males in the crowd gaped and moved their lips up and down as though they desperately wished to comment and offer something in their defense—but no words were coming out.

"Let's be truthful now…" Tsunade continued, tapping her fingers on her desk, "Raise your hand if you've been a good ninja and have done some procreating this month."

For most, it was not a hard decision to thrust up their hand into the air. Tsunade grunted in annoyance as she watched _every_ single adult there raise their hand—as well as a few of the younger ones.

"Jiraiya," She called out, rolling her eyes, "Put your hand down, _nobody_ 's buying it…"

Jiraiya grumbled and crossed his arms, turning to stare at the wall.

~*~

> It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes

~*~

Tsunade glared at the men skeptically, carefully judging the emotions on their faces to see if she could see hints of who was not being truthful.

"Well," The Hokage sighed, "I know Jiraiya was lying…but I'm not sure about the rest of you."

There were a few gulps in the audience, as well as fidgeting about as several decided to stop the charade and lower their hands. Kakashi had to personally shove his two students' hands in their pockets. _He_ thought he knew them better than _that_.

Although, in Naruto's case…his assumption was actually slightly _inaccurate_ —not that _Naruto_ knew of this fact.

"Why are you guys having trouble finding a hook-up?" Tsunade continued slowly, "I mean you all are good look—well… pretty attract—a… fairly decen—uh… moderately adequa—well… you're not _ugly_."

They all blinked.

"That was directed at ME, wasn't it!" yelled an accusing voice.

"Shut up, Jiraiya." Tsunade said flatly, gritting her teeth in growing annoyance.

There was a long pause, as Tsunade began to sift through her papers on her desk, thinking up what she would scold them about next. And, the men who all still had their hands up slowly lowered them—they were getting a little tired after all.

As the Hokage rested her elbows on her desk and entwined her fingers, her eyes settled on Gai, out of all the ninja. This was mostly because he just stood out—with those crazy green tights and all—

"Wait, that's it!" Tsunade suddenly exclaimed, jolting several of the men awake.

"I think I _know_ what is wrong with you guys." She smiled, "For example… _Gai_ , would you step forward?"

"Immediately, Hokage-sama!" Gai exclaimed enthusiastically, hopping to the front.

Kakashi raised an eyebrow at this turn of events.

"You see this guy, here," Tsunade gestured to Gai, "You don't want to be like this guy…"

"Huh?" Gai blinked.

"Those green tights are so _tight_ that they're probably squishing his _balls_ together so much that all of his sperm are—for the lack of a better term—permanently brain dead."

" _EH?_ " Came a resounding yell from the crowd of men.

"In other words," Tsunade continued, "his 'little swimmers' aren't swimming _anywhere_ anytime _soon_."

The green jounin twitched slightly, at a loss at what he was hearing.

"And as I look at you all," Tsunade grinned slyly, "I surmise, through many of your similar styles of attire, that this is a common problem."

Many worried looks crossed the faces of the male shinobi as nearly all of them, as if on cue, glanced down at their groin in curiosity, wondering if in fact, their pants were _too_ tight.

~*~

As this went on, Naruto had a question pop into his mind. Now, Naruto _remembered_ what happened the _last_ time he asked someone something, so this time he wanted to be sure to pick the right person to ask. He looked over at Kakashi-sensei. No…he thought. Tsunade? _Hell_ , no. He didn't want to see any of those pictures from _either_ of those books again.

In all his naivete—as well as lingering effects from that blow in the head that Ino gave him a while back—he decided for some reason that it would be intelligent to ask Jiraiya, of all people.

"Ero-sennin?" Naruto asked Jiraiya, "What's a sperm?"

Jiraiya flinched, turning his head slowly toward the blonde genin, "You can _not_ be serious." He stated in total disbelief.

Naruto scrunched up his face and nodded.

"I really want to know!" Naruto pleaded, "I mean, I get the _idea_ , but…I don't understand _completely_ …"

Jiraiya's mouth hung open as he tried to think of what to say. After a few moments, he thought of something better.

"Instead of explaining," Jiraiya grinned, "I'll just _show_ you."

Naruto, filled with curiosity, watched as Jiraiya performed his summoning technique.

POOF!

"There you go." The white haired man said, pointing at the tad-pole he had just summoned, "It's pretty much like _that_."

"Whoa!" Naruto exclaimed wide-eyed, "Something that HUGE is gonna come flying out my—"

Jiraiya slapped a hand over Naruto's mouth, not wanting the young man to embarrass himself further.

~*~

_A few minutes later…_

"One last thing," The Hokage began, "Before I conclude this meeting, I want to remind everyone what day _tomorrow_ is."

There were several looks of horror among the male shinobi.

"Starting tomorrow, the second month of this mission begins." Tsunade said firmly, glaring them down, "By law, _no_ male ninja will be allowed to wear _any_ sort of clothing or material _above_ their waist—including the forehead protectors. You'll have to just tie them elsewhere."

Kakashi started sweating slightly.

"And _since_ the female ANBU have already completed their mission like true _loyal_ Konoha ninjas, they will be out on _patrol_." Tsunade slowly said with a stern and serious tone, "If they spot even _one_ of you with your shirt _on_ , they have orders to _rip_ it off of you. Understand?"

The men nodded quickly and repeatedly, rushing out the door, as Tsunade concluded the meeting. They wanted to make the most of their final hours of being attached to their shirts.

The Hokage sighed as she leaned back in her chair and propped her feet up on the desk.

"Maybe this will finally get some results…"

~*~

Soon, all the ninjas had excited the Hokage's office—except for a certain Copy-nin.

Kakashi approached the Hokage's desk, his hands in his pockets.

"What is it?" Tsunade glanced up at him, "Don't even _think_ of begging to be allowed to wear that mask of yours tomor—"

Suddenly she heard the clinging of coins on her desk as Kakashi dropped some change in front of her that he had just fished from his pocket.

"I just had this spare change," He said casually, "And I thought I might as well drop it in as a bet in that pool of yours."

Tsunade blinked at Kakashi in mild surprise.

"Which one?" She said, picking up the coins.

"The second."

"Who are you betting on?"

Kakashi scratched his head sheepishly.

"Myself."

~*~

Kakashi had just whipped out his paradise book to read as he exited the Hokage's office, when he found Gai waiting for him in the hallway.

"Just _how_ many blossoms of youth _have_ you deflowered?" Gai questioned with exuberance, getting up in Kakashi's face.

Kakashi sweat-dropped as he attempted to ignore Gai.

"Tell me, my eternal-rival!" Gai exclaimed, jumping about, "I must know!"

Kakashi sighed, putting his book under his arm so that he could count it up on his fingers.

Gai watched in amazement as his rival went through one hand, then the other, followed by the first hand again.

Gai's eyes went wide in awe.

"No wait, that's not right." Kakashi suddenly mumbled, starting the counting over.

Gai's jaw dropped.

Kakashi just casually kept on counting.

"Alas, my eternal-rival!" Gai declared all teary eyed, "You may have me beaten _so_ far, but there is still time _left_!"

Kakashi got lost counting and had to start over _again_ , totally oblivious to Gai's blabbing.

"I shall defeat you!" Gai exclaimed before taking off.

Kakashi was _still_ counting.

~*~

And so, the sun set and rose again signaling the day that so many a male Konoha ninja dreaded…

A certain jounin found himself walking down the street, much to his discomfort. In fact, he felt quite _naked_. The streets were quiet for the most part now, except for the watchful eyes of ANBU women on the rooftops.

As he walked along, several women popped their heads out of the stores, houses, and restaurants that he passed by.

"Hiiiiiiiiiiii…" A woman called out to him, waving.

" _Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii_ …" Another popped up in a window, grinning sexily.

Kakashi frowned and started walking a little faster, shrinking his muscular arms up closer to his pale shirtless chest.

He was reading his orange book as usual. Well, actually, he had his book so _far up_ in his face, covering his nose and mouth, that there was _no way_ he could possibly be actually _reading_ the thing.

Kakashi's nose twitched in discomfort and his lips quivered nervously. He didn't have on his precious mask—he wasn't allowed to. Kakashi couldn't remember the last time he walked out in public without that thing on his face. The fact that he couldn't wear a shirt either was also not helping his state of heightened self-consciousness.

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii." Several more women drawled out as the Copy-ninja walked past.

Kakashi just didn't know how to cope with all the attention…

Another female hopped closer to him, purring in a sing-song tone, " _Hiiiiiiiiiiii_."

"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!" The young girl at the ramen stand screamed as Kakashi moved one of his hands to adjust his pants slightly—as they were starting to fall off.

Several beads of sweat poured down Kakashi's face. He was suddenly realizing that this was a particularly bad day to chose to start taking Tsunade's advice about not wearing tight pants.

Suddenly, two girls standing in front of a bookstore started whistling at him in a suggestive manner.

"Why don't you lower that book where we can see your face?" Yelled a random kunoichi.

As the Copy-nin picked up his pace once again, he happened to notice several seething, jealous glares that the female ANBUs on the roof were shooting various women as he received several more "Hiiiiiiii"s, whistles, and a "Baby, take it _all_ off!".

~*~

After several minutes, Kakashi heard a certain _male_ voice.

"Greetings, my eternal rival!" Gai yelled enthusiastically, jumping in front of the Copy-nin's path.

There was a long pause as Kakashi looked at Gai and blinked.

"Gai," Kakashi asked slowly, "Why are you naked?"

Gai was, in fact, standing in front of Kakashi with no clothes on. _At all_.

"I'm going to win the challenge!" Gai exclaimed, gesturing at his nakedness—as though it were not obvious enough, "And this will get me _more_ women, _faster_!"

There was a pause.

"…plus the fact that my green tights are a one piece outfit and I don't own any separate pants or underwear." Gai added quickly.

The women in the background that had been following Kakashi around were now making horrendous faces and fainting all over the place—all thanks to a certain nude jounin.

Kakashi grimaced, lifting his book up to cover his _eyes_ as well.


	19. What Lies Underneath

**S** hizune and Genma were snuggled up in bed together asleep when the light came in on them, signaling the first of the _shirtless_ days—not that Genma _had_ any shirt on at the moment _to_ remove.

In fact, Genma was completely nude save for one thing—that bandana that he wore on his head.

Shizune stirred and stared at her companion in odd fascination as she watched him snore. She often wondered why he insisted on always wearing that thing—even in his sleep.

Suddenly she noticed the clock and the time. Her eyes went wide as she gently kicked Genma in the side.

"Get up!" She exclaimed, "I've got to get to the Hokage's office!"

"Uh…" He complained as he got up and started putting his clothes back on.

Shizune was already dressed and waiting by the door by the time Genma sleepily walked outside bringing a shirt with him that he was just about to pull over his head.

Shizune quickly pulled it away from him. "You won't be needing that today, remember?" She reminded him.

"Oh…right…" He said slowly, throwing his shirt back inside as Shizune closed the door.

As Genma was about to leave, Shizune suddenly thought of something.

"Hey, you have to take that thing off too." she reminded Genma, pointing at his head, "You can't wear that."

Genma's eyes went wide as Shizune simply grabbed it off of his head.

Shizune gasped as she suddenly found her self blinded by a bright light. It was a _glare_ coming from…the top of Genma's… _head_?

"Noooo!" He whined, quickly attempting to cover the rather large _bald_ spot in the middle of his head.

Shizune blinked, dumbfounded with surprise.

"You're…balding?"

Genma pouted.

Shizune quickly turned away from him, trying to hide her urge to giggle.

"Shizune?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot allow my future children to end up bald." She sighed, smiling slyly, "I guess I'll just have to find a _new_ lover…"

With that, Shizune took off to the Hokage's office.

"Shizune! Don't leave me!" Genma called out in distress, taking off after her.

Shizune grinned. "It's fun to make them sweat."

~*~

> Gratuitous nudity

~*~

Many of the female ninjas, as well as the villagers were pretty surprised when they woke up to go about their day to find every guy in Konoha walking around half-naked. Only the ANBU and the male shinobi themselves had been informed about it— _forcibly_ no less.

Ino and Sakura were in awe, walking down the street with lit up eyes, ogling all the new and interesting "sights." For a moment— _just_ a moment—they forgot all about _Sasuke_.

"Is that _Iruka_ -sensei?" Sakura exclaimed as she spotted the teacher down the street.

"Oh My God!" Ino laughed, "He looks absolutely _horrified_."

Iruka was attempting to purchase something from the food stand, but the saleswoman wouldn't stop staring at his chest. Even from there, the girls could spot the red spreading across his face.

Sakura giggled.

Of course, not all the "sights" were created equal.

A certain white-haired porn-novelist was strolling in the direction of Ino and Sakura.

"Ew…" both the girls commented mentally.

Just then, three kids sped past them, nearly knocking Sakura over. As the first two sped onward, Konohamaru paused and snorted at Jiraiya.

"Ha! Man-boobs!" he laughed, pointing at the perverted hermit before running off.

Sakura stifled a laugh.

Jiraiya's eye twitched.

As she and Ino passed him, Ino paused and raised an eyebrow at the perverted hermit before continuing on her way.

"You've really let yourself go these past few weeks, _huh_ , Jiraiya." A voice said in a playful and amused tone.

Jiraiya spun around.

It was Tsunade.

~*~

Naruto sat in his room, unsure of what to do. Before him was a near empty closet—containing a single outfit—or, more _precisely_ , one- _half_ of an outfit. He had the top to his orange jumpsuit, but _not_ the pants. He still didn't know where they were or what had become of them.

And so, he was left to sit in his underpants and stare at a top that he could not wear and wonder about the location of the pants that he could not find.

For a moment, he wondered if it would be ok to go out to eat ramen in nothing but his underwear. Hell, he'd go eat ramen _naked_ if necessary.

Luckily, Naruto eventually remembered that he had some black swim pants that he could wear—the same shorts that he had ended up hastily putting on when his other pants disappeared.

With that thought, he tied his Konoha head-band around his waist, located his shorts, and sprinted out the door, curious to see what everyone else was up to.

~*~

Ino and Sakura were admiring some flowers in a window when Tenten along with _Neji_ walked up. She had him by the hand, pulling him along.

"Hey! Sakura, Ino!" Tenten called out, waving exuberantly.

Sakura's face lit up, "Oh, hey Tenten!"

Ino looked over at Neji and grinned. "I see you've finally gotten all of that stuff out of your hair." She said in a teasing manner.

Neji flinched at the memory, grumbling under his breath.

"Heh…heh…" Tenten laughed nervously, letting go of Neji's hand to bring up an arm to scratch her head.

Neji snorted slightly, crossing his arms against his bare chest.

Sakura sweat-dropped, deciding that maybe she should change the subject.

"U-um hey," she began, turning her head to Ino and Tenten, "Have you seen Hinata, today? Do you know where she is?"

Ino shrugged.

"Hmm," Tenten tapped her finger to her lip in thought, "Now that I think about it, I haven't seen her in quite a while…"

~*~

Hinata sighed happily as she paused from making her bed, taking a moment to look up at the orange pants that she had affixed to her wall like a trophy.

"Naruto." She breathed, clutching her hands to her chest.

"Hinata!" She heard her father call from downstairs.

"!" Hinata gasped, quickly covering the missing half of Naruto's jumpsuit with some curtains.

"C-coming!" She replied.

~*~

Meanwhile, the moments passed slowly for Kakashi, as Gai continued to just stand there without any clothes on.

Luckily for Kakashi, some of his ANBU "acquaintances" were about to come to his _rescue_.

Suddenly half a dozen female ANBU jumped down from the roof right in between Kakashi and Gai.

Two of them grasped the nude jounin firmly by the arms.

"Maito Gai, you are under arrest for indecent exposure." One ANBU said forcefully, "Cover yourself _immediately_."

Kakashi cautiously and _ever_ so slowly peered from behind his orange book, giving a sigh of relief.

Just as they were about to haul Gai away, poor innocent Lee just happened to walk by in time to witness the horrific scene.

"Gai-sensei!" Lee blinked as he spotted his teacher.

They all turned to look at the genin in the green shorts.

"Gai-sensei…is naked!" Lee stated loudly.

A look of concern crossed Gai's face as he looked at his student, but before Gai could even open his mouth to speak, Lee's mouth had formed an O shape as though a light bulb had just gone off in his head.

"Oooo!" Lee exclaimed enthusiastically, "I get it now!"

Gai blinked in surprise.

"Nakedness must enhance the power of youth in some way, Gai-sensei!" Lee continued, "I shall immediately unleash this power to further my training!"

Before Gai had a chance to tell him otherwise, Lee had stripped off his pants and taken off down the street, whooping exuberantly.

"WhooOOooOO!"

~*~

A few moments later, Sakura and Ino turned to look as Lee—minus his green outfit—streaked past yelling loudly.

"Behold the power of youth!" was all they caught as he ran past and out of sight, leaving a path of various villagers and shinobi with odd looks on their faces.

"Was that… _Lee_?" Sakura said slowly as her brain attempted to process what she had just witnessed.

"I… _think_ so." Ino raised an eyebrow.

"Oh… _god_." Sakura said with exasperation, putting her head in her hands, embarrassed for Lee.

Ino blinked as she happened to glance over at Neji—he looked as though he was about to hurl. Unfortunately for Neji, he had had his _Byakugan_ activated in order to look through the clothes of a rather _large_ breasted kunoichi across the street. Consequently, when Lee had run past—

"The… _image_ ," Neji cried in his thoughts, "…it's _burned_ … into my _mind_!"

On the other hand, Tenten had walked out into the middle of the street as Lee had passed, turning her head to get a better view.

"Huh." She said with growing interest. "Lee's got a _real_ nice body… I can't believe I never noticed that before..."

"Hmm…" Tenten hummed, glancing over at Neji and tapping her foot in thought.

She looked Neji over—up and down. Then, she glanced back over in the direction that Lee had gone. Then at Neji again, and then back at Lee.

"Surprisingly pale, pasty, and scrawny looking without his shirt on… _or_ tan and muscular." Tenten went back and forth mentally.

"Pale and scrawny, tan and muscular, pale and scrawny, tan and muscular, pale and scrawny?"

"Tan and muscular!" Tenten suddenly yelled, having made up her mind, "Wait up, Lee!"

Neji shook himself out of his haze as he saw Tenten suddenly take off down the street in the direction that the streaking Lee had headed.

"…" A look of confusion passed over Neji's face, "Tenten?"

"Tenten?" Neji looked like a little lost puppy as he slowly wandered after her.

~*~

Sakura and Ino shot each other a questioning glance at what had just happened.

"Wow." Ino commented, "I've never seen Neji show such interest in Tenten."

"Yeah." Sakura agreed, nodding.

There was a long pause.

Suddenly something occurred to Ino.

"Hey, Sakura," Ino said slowly, a _large_ grin forming on her face, "I just got a _great_ idea."

"Huh?" Sakura blinked.

Ino suddenly thrust her hand out in front of Sakura.

"I propose a temporary truce." Ino stated firmly, "If we work _together_ I'm certain that we can capture Sasuke!"

"Hmm…" Sakura brought a hand up to her chin in thought.

Ino grinned playfully, "And I know _just_ the way to go about it—"

~*~

While the girls were busy plotting his "downfall." Sasuke was several blocks away, strolling down the street—shirtless—with his hands thrust into his pockets and a scowl on his face.

A young kunoichi glanced at the Uchiha's shoulders as he passed by her.

"Nice tattoo," She said sexily, eyeing his neck.

Sasuke snorted slightly, turning his head away from her.

"Tattoo, my ASS." He mumbled under his breath, covering the curse mark with his hand.

~*~

Not far away, Naruto happened to run into Kiba and Akamaru.

"Hey, Kiba!" Naruto greeted cheerily.

"Hey..."

"Have you seen Kakashi-sensei anywhere?" Naruto asked excitedly, dancing around as though there were ants in his pants.

"No." Kiba replied, "But, that reminds me….Have you seen Shino? I've been trying to find him…"

"Uh…no…" Naruto said slowly, "But," he pointed over behind Kiba, "Who's that? I haven't seen him before."

Kiba turned around to see a guy with his back to him. He watched closely as a tiny black speck crawled along the guy's bare and rather pale back.

Kiba blinked.

"…Shino?" Kiba asked slowly.

"SHINO?" Naruto exclaimed, doing a double-take.

When Shino heard his name being called, he turned his head to look. That was when Kiba and Naruto suddenly realized that Shino did _not_ have his glasses on—even _those_ were not allowed to be worn.

Kiba's jaw dropped. They apparently had been too _distracted_ to even think to look at Shino's eyes the _last_ time that his glasses fell off, because for several minutes Kiba and Naruto could only stare at Shino and blink, wide-eyed.

Two tiny black dots blinked back at them.

"What?" Shino asked. He was completely unaware of what was holding their undivided attention.

~*~

It didn't take long for Tenten to catch up to Lee. She finally found him in the middle of a rather deserted street, having stopped for a breather.

Tenten walked up to Lee slowly, taking time to admire his muscles.

"Hi, Lee!" She yelled out in a sing-song tone.

"Oh, hey Tenten!" Lee said, flashing a smile.

"Hmmm," Tenten hummed playfully, walking around Lee—his eyes following her questioningly.

"Oh, Lee…you're _all_ sweaty," Tenten said slyly, "How about you come back to _my_ place and take a _shower_?"

"Hmm," Lee thought, "Tenten's suggestion seems _quite_ logical…"

Suddenly, Lee flashed an even bigger smile, giving a thumbs up.

"That sounds most agreeable!" Lee exclaimed loudly to Tenten.

Tenten smiled, grabbing Lee by the hand and pulling him in the direction of her house.


	20. Missing Possessions

**L** eaves fluttered past in the wind.

"Come on, Lee!" Tenten smiled as she pulled him by the hand in the direction of her house—and more importantly, her shower.

Lee smiled widely and picked up his pace. As Tenten watched him, she was struck by an idea.

"Hey, Lee, how about we _race_ to my house!" Tenten said with excitement as she turned to look back at her currently naked teammate.

At the mention of a challenge, flames ignited in Lee's eyes. He nodded in agreement and suddenly sprinted in front of Tenten and spun around, running backwards, facing her, sprouting a thumbs up.

Tenten grinned and took off after him.

After a few minutes she began to fall behind. "He's so fast!" Tenten thought to herself, "…I'm glad to see Lee's doing so much better since he got off his crutches."

Lee suddenly leapt into the air with joy and shouted, "I feel so free and loose with the power of youth!"

~*~

> Stolen hearts, among other things

~*~

As they arrived at Tenten's house, she was sweating heavily—just as she _expected_. As Lee made his way into the house, it was time to make her _move_.

"Oh, _Lee_ ," She said slyly, "Our run made me all… _sweaty_. Now **I** need a shower _too_."

Lee blinked.

"How about," Tenten continued, "we shower together! It will be more _efficient_!"

After a thoughtful pause, Lee replied.

"You are most wise, Tenten!" Lee exclaimed, "I never would have thought of that!"

At that, Tenten grabbed him by the hand, pulling Lee into the bathroom, grinning a playful grin.

~*~

_5 minutes later_

"Could you pass the soap?" Lee asked happily, soaking his hair under the water, not even glancing at Tenten who was currently behind him with her arms crossed, tapping her finger impatiently against her skin.

"Oh, Lee." Tenten thought, rolling her eyes, "This isn't what I meant by 'showering together'! …At least _Shikamaru_ figured out my intentions when _we_ —"

"Tenten?"

"Oh! Here Lee…" Tenten finally handed him the soap which he then began to use to lather himself.

Tenten began to smile. Oh, Lee and his naivety and innocence—she would have to do something about that.

"Lee will be Lee." She thought. "I'll just have to try another tactic."

There was a short pause.

"So, _Lee_ …"

"Hm?" He blinked.

"You spoke of nakedness enhancing the power of youth and furthering your training?"

"Yosh!"

"Well, this is your lucky day!" Tenten grinned slyly, "I've actually practiced this type of training and would love to do it—I mean _help_ you with it!"

"You are most kind!" Lee's eyes lit up.

~*~

An ANBU was jumping roof to roof, speeding along on patrol when she suddenly spotted what appeared to be a male ninja in full clothing.

As she approached the male, she noticed his deep, red hair.

"HALT!" The female ANBU said forcefully as she jumped down in front of his path.

As she looked up at him she stated, "You are in violation of—"

But she suddenly went silent as she noticed the symbol on his clothing.

Gaara looked into the woman's eyes with a blank expression—though, there might have been a tinge of annoyance.

"O-oh." She spoke to herself aloud, "You're from the sand. I… _guess_ the no-shirt law doesn't apply to you…"

Gaara crossed his arms.

"…I guess I better check with the Hokage on this." And with that, the ANBU zipped away, and Gaara continued walking to wherever he was going.

~*~

Meanwhile, Gai had just been hauled off by two strong ANBU to wherever one is sent to face whatever appropriate punishment one receives for running around _naked_.

The other few remaining ANBU remained and stared at Kakashi—shirt-less, half-naked Kakashi.

And they started getting ideas.

They grinned at him from behind their animal masks, "Hi there."

"Hello." Kakashi replied casually—while at the same time moving his paradise book closer to his face.

One ANBU took a step closer to him. Kakashi watched at she tilted her head to the side in a playful manner.

Without warning, in a sudden flash, she snatched his little orange book away from his face, leaving the Copy-nin with empty hands and a semi-startled look.

"It's against the rules to hide your face, sweetie." The woman said playfully, dangling the book in front of him.

Kakashi did not look amused, "Give me back my book."

Ignoring his plea, she reached up and stroked his bare cheek, " _Make_ me."

~*~

"What's going on over _there_?" Sakura asked, turning her head to glance down the street.

There were odds sounds of women… _squealing_? …from…joy? …pain?

"Let's go see!" Ino exclaimed.

~*~

The female ANBU that had stolen Kakashi's precious book away began to _remove_ her animal mask as she moved in to kiss him. There were many jealous squeals in the background.

But before their lips touched—

"Hey," Kakashi said curiously, "Aren't you _Yugao_ , Hayate's girlfriend?"

She paused, before backing away, breaking out into sniffles.

"Oh, Hayate!" She cried to the heavens, "Why did you have to die! You were so good in bed!"

As Yugao was comforted by another ANBU, Kakashi saw his chance to escape.

"Time to make my exit," he thought, spinning around, only to come face to face with—

"Sensei?" Sakura blinked before her eyes got really wide.

Kakashi twitched slightly.

"Y-your mask is off!" Sakura pointed with her mouth hanging open, "Your mask is off!"

Kakashi sighed.

"Wow, you actually look… _good_! You're not ugly, deformed, have horrible acne, silly lips, funny teeth, foot and mouth disease, horrible scars, burns, boils, OR warts!"

The Copy-nin blinked. " _Huh?"_

Suddenly she began to dance around in a circle singing at the top of her lungs, "I saw what's under Kakashi-sensei's mask! I saw what's under Kakashi-sensei's mask! Take THAT, Naruto and Sasuke! I saw it first!"

Kakashi sweat-dropped, "Do they really obsess over me _that much_?" He pondered.

Ino watched as Sakura suddenly latched herself onto her teacher's leg.

"Sakura," Ino commented with a raised eyebrow, "Your sensei's hot, but not THAT hot!"

"Sensei!" Sakura grinned, looking up at the distressed Copy-ninja.

Suddenly, some other surrounding women took Sakura's lead and grabbed on to his legs. "Sensei!" one of them mimicked, "Sensei!" "Be my sensei!" another called out. "I want him to be _my_ sensei!" they chimed.

Kakashi looked down and calmly spoke to Sakura, shaking his leg trying to get her loose.

"Please let go, Sakura… You don't want people thinking your sensei is a _pedo_ , now, do you?" He shook his leg a little harder, but it was difficult with all the other women hanging off of him.

Finally, the ANBU stepped in and pulled all the other women off of him and told them to go home. Sakura shook herself off as she was thrown several feet by an ANBU.

Sakura looked up at Ino who was standing over her tapping her foot with an odd look on her face.

"I-I don't know what came over me?" Sakura smiled weakly—her face red with embarrassment.

~*~

"We'll have to take you to the Hokage's office now," one of the ANBU woman said, stroking Kakashi's face just as Yugao did.

"Tsunade will want to see you about you trying to obstruct the view of your face in violation of the law." Two of the women grabbed him by the arms as though to take him away—much like Gai, but instead they got distracted by his rippling muscles and began to stroke them.

Kakashi sighed. Getting to the Hokage's office might take awhile at this rate.

"If I need to see the Hokage I would rather just go myself." Kakashi thought to himself, making up his mind to leave the ANBU in the dust.

"Hmm," Kakashi thought, as his arms were stroked, "If I just poof away and substitute a log in my place, they will probably just come after me again." The Copy-nin glanced down the street to see a far away figure. "I'll just have to give them something new to play with."

And with that, Kakashi poofed away suddenly, leaving a puff of smoke and several whining women in his wake. But, when the smoke cleared, they were surprised to see another man. Instead of a log, Kakashi had substituted… _Iruka_ from down the street.

Iruka blinked.

"Hey, you're pretty cute!" The women exclaimed.

"Huh, wha?" Iruka stuttered nervously.

Just then, Anko—who happened at that very moment to be wandering around Konoha looking for a bed-mate—walked passed and spotted Iruka, who was about to be hauled off by some female ANBU for some _fun_.

"Iruka!" Anko yelled at him, "I've been trying to find you _forever_!"

Iruka gulped, "…Anko."

She promptly walked right up to the ANBU.

"That one's mine!" Anko exclaimed to the women holding on to Iruka, "I challenge you to a battle!"

After a few moments, they agreed.

"ROCK! PAPER! SCISSORS!"

"ROCK! PAPER! SCISSORS!"

"ROCK! PAPER! _SCISSORS_!"

"DAMN IT!"

Anko cursed her defeat.

Iruka cried out as he was dragged off by the victors, "Don't I get any say in this?"

Anko walked away, disappointed, until she looked up and spotted Ibiki walking her way.

She paused and looked him up and down. Sure, he was all ewww and scarred up, but as Anko looked at him she thought, "That's one rock hard chunk of man."

As Ibiki passed by, Anko growled at him sexily. Ibiki stopped and growled in return.

After a few moments of staring at each other, they locked arms and wandered off to do things that you really don't want to hear about.

~*~

Gaara stared at the large object on the ground—the object that had dared to bump into his foot. He did not know it, but it was a sword that belonged to a certain forgetful, blue Akatsuki member who had run off and left it in a hurry.

~*~

Kisame made a horrible sound as he sneezed something awful—green goo squirting out his gills.

Itachi, who was sitting across the room, in the Akatsuki evil lair—wherever _that_ was—narrowed his eyes at the outburst as he was taking a nap and was rudely awoken by the noise.

Kisame reached behind him to wipe the icky stuff on the cloth that covered his sword as usual, only, when he reached back, he noticed something _missing_.

"Where's my sword?"

"In your pants, same as everyone else."

"No! I mean my sword! Wait, no! I…I…dropped it in Konoha."

"You've just now noticed? That was two weeks ago."

Deidara spun around from a corner of the darkly lit room. He was busy making "artistic masterpieces" or so he called it. "Hmph! Real smart there, Kisame! Ha, yeah!"

"I've got to go back and get it."

"No." Itachi replied flatly.

"You don't need it, Kisame," said Deidara sarcastically. "When you carry around a huge weapon like that, yeah, you are only inviting people to speculate that you are using it to compensate for something."

Kisame narrowed his eyes at Deidara, before turning back to Itachi.

"Please, Itachi, let's go back."

"No."

"You just don't want to go back because that dude thought you were a woman!"

Deidara's ears perked up at that as he spun around again to see what was going on with great interest.

Itachi narrowed his eyes. Kisame gulped in realization; as soon as Kisame had said it he knew he was in for it.

Itachi's eyes glowed red, "That was unwise."

Kisame's world went dark and inverted. He opened his eyes again to find that he was surrounded by water. He spun about, and saw an odd, circular container. His view of the outside world was round like a bubble. Kisame looked up to see a menacing sight—a giant Itachi loomed over him, a giant Itachi with large black kitty cat ears.

Kisame suddenly looked down at himself in a panic. His legs and arms were missing—replaced with fins. Kisame's eyes went wide, as he breathed his mouth flapped up and down pitifully like the little blue fishy that he currently was.

"72 hours." Itachi's voice boomed. Suddenly, the cat-eared Itachi opened his mouth revealing huge fangs. "72 hours of being eaten, digested, and…" Itachi suddenly thrust a clawed paw into Kisame's fishbowl.

~*~

From Deidara's perspective, Kisame and Itachi stood there and had a staring contest for about 5 minutes before Kisame suddenly tore out of the room, screaming his head off.

Itachi casually walked over and had a seat on the couch.

Deidara looked over at the Uchiha. "So, what did you do to him this time?"

"Well, I _could_ have had him being chopped up into tiny pieces that were subsequently rolled into sushi for 72 hours, but I decided to practice discretion."

There was a long pause.

"So, Itachi, you got mistaken for a woman? Ha, that is a riot, yeah!" Deidara grinned in amusement.

Itachi narrowed his eyes, "He who is in a glass house, should not throw shurikens…"

"…" Deidara blinked. "I thought the saying was '…should not throw _stones_ '." He said with a raised eyebrow.

Itachi turned his head.

"We are ninja. Therefore they are 'shurikens'."

There was a pause.

"Besides, Deidara, you don't _have_ any _stones_."


	21. Faking It

**O** ut of curiosity, Gaara slowly reached down and picked up Kisame's sword from the ground. It was very heavy, so he willed the sand to come out and help put it on his back.

It made _quite_ the visual image when combined with the already present gourd.

The two _round_ curves.

The _long_ —well, you get the idea.

In a short amount of time, Gaara found the sword too heavy and cumbersome and decided to throw it back on the ground, simply making a mental note that he would have to inform the Hokage about the suspicious object later. There could be enemies lurking about. The Sand _were_ there to help _defend_ Konoha after all.

~*~

> Loophole

~*~

"Yo." Kakashi said, poofing into the Hokage's office.

The Copy-ninja looked about only to find it strangely empty. He shrugged.

"Hmmm," He thought, "Good, this will give me some _time_ …"

~*~

"Do you really think I've let myself go?" Jiraiya asked Tsunade in a somewhat pitiful manner, as he patted at his chest, finding that it was getting a bit squishy.

"Hmph." Tsunade smirked, with a slight laugh.

Jiraiya stuck out his lip, pouting at her.

"You should really go get some exercise or something instead of hopelessly wandering about, hoping some uninhibited woman will take pity on you and your desperation."

Suddenly there was a gleam in Jiraiya's eye.

"You know, there is some _exercise_ that you and I could—".

Jiraiya's train of thought was shattered as he was suddenly met with the image of a very large fist held a few inches from his face. His eyes moved down to stare at Tsunade's equally large breasts.

"My eyes are up _here_ , Jiraiya." Tsunade said in a cool and calm, yet threatening manner.

"I…yeah," Jiraiya laughed nervously.

Tsunade snorted and turned to leave. Jiraiya's mind raced.

"Wait, uh, how about lunch?"

Tsunade paused, slowly raising her eyebrow.

"On me?"

Tsunade narrowed her eyes in suspicion.

Jiraiya blinked, quickly clarifying himself.

"I-I mean I'll _pay_ for it," He exclaimed, waving his hands, "not that lunch is ON me…in some…manner—"

"I get it, Jiraiya," She smirked, poking him in the side, "…I'm not one to pass up a free meal."

~*~

Temari sighed as she sat on a box at a street corner next to a quaint little restaurant. While the Sand kunoichi was somewhat curious as to what her brothers were up to at this moment, she was enjoying her little break, simply sitting there taking in the view as many half-naked Konoha shinobi walked past.

"Ah…" She said dreamily. Suddenly, a noise behind her caught her attention.

She sat up and spun around to see a rather round genin.

"H-hi," Chouji smiled and waved at her. His face had a tint of red to it.

Temari looked at him strangely.

Chouji continued smiling.

The kunoichi titled her head, slight amusement spread across her face, "What is it?"

Chouji fidgeted. "Y-your hair…"

Temari raised an eyebrow.

"Your-pretty!" Chouji finally managed to get out.

"What?" She said with surprise.

Chouji's eyes went wide, panicking— "I-I mean…a _friend_ said your pretty—right. A friend. Yeah."

"A friend." Temari said slowly, "Really?"

Chouji grinned and nodded profusely, glowing red with embarrassment.

An image of Shikamaru appeared in the blonde's head.

" _Aw_ , how sweet of him…" Temari said dreamily, jumping to conclusions.

"Huh?" Chouji said flatly. He was very confused for a few moments until he suddenly realized that she must have thought he was talking about Shikamaru when he was _really_ talking about _himself_.

Chouji slowly began to narrow his eyes.

"You know," Chouji began after a few moments of thought, "I've got some _real_ interesting stories to tell."

"Hm?" Temari asked with a questioning look.

Chouji then proceeded to spill the goods on everything he's seen since he started following Shikamaru around the past few weeks.

~*~

As Chouji finished his _exciting_ tales of excruciating _detail_ , Temari began to twitch profusely.

"He's done _WHAT_ with WHO?" Temari yelled with increasing volume.

~*~

"Ah…" Tsunade breathed, after gulping down another bottle of sake.

Jiraiya glanced up at the bartender and ordered several more rounds of alcohol.

"So, Jiraiya," Tsuande hiccupped, "I thought you were broke. Where did you get this money?"

Jiraiya grinned, "I 'borrowed' that _Naruto_ 's purse."

The Hokage glared at him disapprovingly.

"I'm gonna give it back!" Jiraiya defended, "… _eventually_ …"

There was a pause.

Tsunade rested her elbows on the table, "I wonder how Naruto's doing out there."

"Not too well from what I've seen," Jiraiya took another gulp of sake.

Tsunade sighed.

"For the life of me I can't figure it out." He continued.

"What?" The Hokage asked, shifting her eyes over to Jiraiya.

"How someone that invented the _Sexy no Jutsu_ …" The pervert's nose bled simply from the thought, "…could know so _little_ about women.

"That's not saying much…" Tsunade closed her eyes, smirking, "…you barely know anything about women and _you_ write _porn_ novels."

"HEY!" Jiraiya exclaimed with a hurt look.

"But, _seriously_ , Jiraiya…" Tsunade continued, "Think. Have you _ever_ actually _fully_ looked at Naruto's _Sexy no Jutsu_ …WITHOUT the smoke or something else still covering _bits_ and things?"

Jiraiya blinked, wide-eyed in realization, "N-no…I—"

"The truth is—" Tsunade breathed into Jiraiya's ear, sending his whole body tingling.

~*~

"SAY IT ISN'T SO!" Jiraiya yelled, tearing out of the bar.

It only took him a few minutes to find Naruto—as well as Kiba—who seemed to be running away in distress from something.

"NARUTO!" Jiraiya called out.

Naruto came to a screeching halt, but Kiba kept on running. "The eyes, THE EYES!" Kiba squealed as he disappeared off into the distance.

"What is it, Ero-sennin?" Naruto said curiously, scrunching up his face.

"Quick, Naruto!" Jiraiya said in a panic jumping around, "Do your _Sexy no Jutsu_!"

Naruto crossed his arms, opening one eye to look at the white-haired pervert suspiciously.

Jiraiya waved his hands about, "Come on, _come on_!" He said with growing impatience.

After a few moments of contemplation, Naruto shrugged. "Okay."

Jiraiya nodded.

" _Sexy no Jutsu_!" POOF!

Some of the smoke cleared to reveal a blonde, busty Naruto.

Jiraiya quickly began to fan the smoke that remained covering the female Naruto's breasts, among other things.

Jiraiya twitched slightly. He couldn't believe it. Tsunade was right.

"Naruto," Jiraiya said slowly, devastated tears welling up in his eyes, "You _do_ realize that women have _nipples_ , right?"

Naruto blinked, before glancing down and poking his round nipple-less boob.

"Whoa, really?" Naruto said with awe, "I had no idea!"

Jiraiya rolled his eyes. He was about ready to go cry in a far away corner somewhere.

"How _else_ do you think the milk comes out!" Jiraiya nearly screamed at the blonde genin.

Naruto twitched. "M-milk comes from girls' _breasts_?"

Jiraiya nodded.

"Oh GOD! I drank some of that this morning!" Naruto began to turn green.

"Naruto…" Jiraiya said slowly. "That kind of milk comes from _cows_."

The blonde tilted his head with a confused look. "Does that mean that cows have boobs too?"

"AAAAAHHHhh!" The white-haired man growled in aggravation, "This conversation is going nowhere!"

Naruto blinked, releasing the _Sexy no Jutsu_ , "huh?"

"Look." Jiraiya said, narrowing his eyes, getting up in Naruto's face. "What I want to know is, how the _hell_ did you come up with the _Sexy no Jutsu_ when it is pretty obvious that you have never seen a real naked female."

Naruto paused for a moment, scratching his head in thought.

"Well, one day I was passing by a ladies clothing store and they were changing the clothes on some lady mannequins and so they were all _naked_ and so then I was like _whoa_ that would make an awesome _jutsu_!"

Naruto grinned really wide.

Jiraiya could only stare with his mouth hanging open.

~*~

In a dark alley way, two sinister looking figures finalized their plans—their curved shadows dancing on the walls.

"So, you know what to do right?"

"Yeah."

"Remember, find him, and lure him in my direction." She said in a whisper.

"Right, and you do the same. Don't let him catch on."

Their grins glowed in the darkness.

A few seconds later, they were off, heading in opposite directions.

~*~

Shikamaru was in the middle of a sneeze when he was knocked to the ground by a yellow blur who was not paying attention to where he was going.

Naruto looked up, grinning and began loudly, "Hey Shikamaru, what's happen—"

"Shhhh. I'm being followed!" Shikamaru whispered, slapping a hand over Naruto's perpetually flapping mouth.

"Huh?" Naruto asked loudly.

"Be quiet! I'm being tracked!" Shikamaru sent a shifty look in all directions.

"Oh shit." A figure thought, quickly ducking back into the shadows, "I hope he hasn't seen me yet."

" _Oo_ kay…" Naruto said slowly, remembering to be quieter this time.

Shikamaru shot Naruto a glance.

For the next few tense moments they began to tippy-toe a few steps forward right up until—

"HEY SHIKA!" Came a loud jubilated squeal.

"WAAAAAH!" Shikamaru and Naruto screamed in terror as they fell backwards together from being startled so suddenly.

While Shikamaru was having a few moments of trouble breathing, Naruto sat up and blinked, looking at the one who surprised them.

"Oh, Hey Sakura!" Naruto greeted.

Sakura had just suddenly jumped in front of the two.

"S-sakura, why—" Shikamaru began, holding his head with his hand.

"OOooooOOOooo, Shikamaru!" Sakura sing-songed, trying to put on her best _act_ , "You've got to come see!"

Sakura grabbed him by the arm and pulled him up.

"See what?"

"Uh…" Sakura tried to think quickly as she dragged Shikamaru toward the intersection with another street, leaving Naruto sitting on his butt, "Oh it's very, very _interesting_!"

"?" Shika pondered.

Sakura put on her biggest fake smile, thinking, "I hope Ino fulfilled her end of the deal."

Suddenly, Shikamaru and Sakura's ears perked up as they began to hear a rising wail that was getting louder and—

"Bingo." Sakura grinned in realization.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHhhhhh!"

Sakura and Shikamaru watched as Sasuke suddenly appeared from the intersecting street, running for dear life from Ino who was _pretending_ to threaten him with _Shintenshin no Jutsu_. He would do anything to avoid THAT again.

As soon as Ino spotted Sakura, she stopped running. Sasuke, noticing that he was no longer being pursued, ended up stopping just a little ways from Shikamaru and Sakura.

Shikamaru stared at Sasuke questioningly, as Ino and Sakura sent each other a few discreet hand signals.

" _3…2…1…"_

"OH SHIKAMARU!" Ino and Sakura suddenly exclaimed at the same time.

Shikamaru and Sasuke turned their heads to see the girls pouting their lips out and making big googly eyes filled with sparkles. Suddenly sparkles appeared _all_ around Ino and Sakura as though they were shimmering.

Sasuke's mouth fell open.

Shikamaru barely had the chance to raise his eyebrow in question before he was mauled.

The chuunin's eyes went wide as Sakura and Ino attached themselves at his arms.

" _Oh_ Shika!" Sakura moaned. "Oh _Sexy Pineapple-Head_!" Ino cooed, fawning all over him.

Sasuke twitched in confusion. His brain just couldn't process what he was seeing—much less _believe_ it. The Uchiha's eyes were about to bug out.

"Shikamaru, we LOVE you!" The girls said playfully, running their hands up and down his body.

Shikamaru's face began to turn deep red no matter the fact that he was _deeply_ confused and somewhat petrified at the whole sudden ordeal.

Meanwhile, Sasuke's mouth was flapping open and closed like a fish out of water.

After several minutes, which Ino and Sakura figured would be enough, they discreetly winked at each other, backing off from Shika, pretending to be about to fall over.

"Oh, _Shika_ ," Sakura sighed, wandering backwards, a hand over her face as though she was about to faint.

Ino did the same, cunningly making her way away, "Oh, the hotness emanating from you is far too strong."

There were a few more "Oh"s and "Ah"s from the curiously fainting girls until they had disappeared out of sight, leaving two very confused male shinobi behind.

Shikamaru blinked several times.

Sasuke's neck creaked a few times as he turned his head to look at Shikamaru. The Uchiha moved his mouth up and down, trying to make the words come out.

After a moment, Shikamaru realized that Sasuke was looking at him strangely, searching for answers.

The chuunin shrugged, "Well, don't look at me!"

~*~

Off in the distance, two kunoichi gave each other a high five.

"Do you think it worked?"

"Ha! I think so! Did you SEE his FACE?" She replied, giggles erupting.

~*~

After overcoming the initial shock of the incident, Sasuke slowly trudged away to rethink his mating plan. He had really thought that he was ready for them too. Well, _Ino_ WITHOUT her using THAT jutsu, but still…

Sasuke looked distraught. He had worked so _hard_ to overcome his fears, and now this. He had found many other videos that he had stolen from Kakashi's apartment that he had broken into a week ago when he wasn't home. Sasuke had taken the time to memorize many, many more _techniques_ with his _Sharingan_. But, what to do now? Should he try to win back the attention of Ino or Sakura? What other girls were there?

An image of Tenten appeared in his mind. He thought of her dark hair and dark eyes.

"Hmm…She might be good. She seems sane, and normal. I could see myself maybe reviving my clan with her."

Oh, how wrong he was.

~*~

Naruto became curious about all the commotion and finally got up off his butt to see where Shikamaru and Sakura went.

As he was getting up, he spotted Kiba walking towards him.

"Hey, Kiba what's—"

"I heard yelling." Kiba explained, "What's going on?"

~*~

Naruto and Kiba ran up to Shikamaru who still had a dazed and confused expression on his face.

Before Naruto and Kiba could get out of him what had just happened, or where Sakura had run off to, they heard a screeching yell—the owner of which was quickly approaching.

"SHIKAMARU!"

The chuunin nearly jumped out of his skin as a dust cloud surrounded him from the sheer _force_ of the person running so fast towards him.

When the dust settled, Shikamaru found himself face to face with a very _angry_ Temari. And Chouji wasn't far behind, wandering up quickly to see the _show_.

Naruto and Kiba simply stared.

"YOU!" Temari struck her fan out at Shikamaru, holding it inches away from his nose.

"…?" He blinked.

"You two-timing—three-timing" Temari pause to recount on her fingers for greater emphasis, "No, FOUR-timing _bastard_!"

Before he had any chance to make any sort of case in his defense, Temari slapped him across the face.

"Let's see how YOU like it," She exclaimed, pointing at Shikamaru. Her eyes scanned the crowd.

Temari then immediately walked over in a huff, bypassing Chouji who had his lips out puckered up and suddenly grabbing a different surprised genin by the collar, laying a big wet smack on Naruto, locking lips with him.

Shikamaru blinked.

"…" Was all that Naruto could manage as Temari released his lips.

Kiba gaped while Chouji slumped in disappointment.

Off in the shadows a hidden Hinata—who had been stealthily stalking Naruto all the while—saw the display, letting out a harsh gasp, suddenly feeling the burning desire of revenge and the hurt of betrayal.

After Temari led a confused Naruto away, Kiba and Chouji were left standing in silence.

Suddenly, a realization hit Kiba.

"Shikamaru's a Slut!"

~*~

_Meanwhile, far away in a far off, dark, underground lair_

"Uh…pain. The PAIN!" The shadowy figure complained, stepping from his shower, his arms dripping with blood.

"ERRR my ARMS!" He cursed mentally, "They won't MOVE!"—as he wandered about the bathroom. The man stood and stared at the toilet that seemed to be just sitting there, mocking him with its very existence.

Suddenly a loud voice boomed through the lair:

"KABUTO!"

Kabuto flinched slightly as he heard the voice calling him.

"KABUTO!"

"Coming, Orochimaru-sama!" He called out in quick reply.

"I need a _bathroom_ attendant! NOW!" Orochimaru ordered.

Kabuto grumbled slightly as he slowly made his way to Orochimaru.

"Kabuto, get in here!"

Kabuto twitched. "At least _Sasuke_ will be here soon…" he thought, "…the _Sound Four_ were ordered to Konoha moments ago."

Then, with a new body, at least Orochimaru could go " _drain the snake_ " on his own.

~*~

Tsunade returned to her office to find someone waiting for her.

"Hokage-sama," Kakashi began.

" _You_ , what're you—" She started before she looked at his face.

"What are you doing with your _mask_ on? You're not supposed to have that!" Tsunade scolded, marching right up to him to remove it.

But, when she reached out to touch his cheek, her fingers suddenly felt… _wet_.

Kakashi watched as the Hokage pulled back, flipping her hand over to observe her now black-stained fingers.

"Y-you…didn't!" She stared at him, not having expected this.

The Copy-nin just sort of grinned at her.

He had actually gone and painted a mask on his face.


	22. Trading Up

**H** e slowly blinked, opening his eyes. The last thing he could remember was the epic rock, paper, scissors battle fought between several female ANBU and Anko. Then, hands lifting him into the air. Then darkness.

Iruka awoke to giggling voices.

He moved slightly, trying to get his bearings on where he was, only to find his arms tied behind his back. Iruka was laying flat on his stomach on what appeared to be a one-person-sized table. He turned his head to see three females with ANBU animal masks crowding over something…what was—

"Oh god, they have THAT book!" Iruka panicked mentally as he saw its signature orange color, "Ok, ok. Calm down. Pretend to be asleep. Pretend to be asleep. Pretend to be alsee—oh _shit_ they noticed!"

"Hi! We just found this really, _really_ interesting chapter of this _book_ ," a voice said to the teacher in a sing-song tone, thrusting the opened book in his face.

Iruka gulped.

"It's something we've been wanting to try for _some_ time now!" She grinned underneath her mask.

"Heeeheehee…" Came the slow calculating laughs of the surrounding women.

Iruka began to sweat slightly.

"But…aren't you all pregnant _already_!" he asked in confusion, "What could you possibly want with me?"

"Silly man," one woman said, patting him on the back in a _friendly_ way, "Didn't you know…"

"…being pregnant can make you even _MORE_ horny?" Another ANBU female continued in a somewhat _crazed_ voice.

Iruka twitched slightly.

Moments later, two of the women were behind him, tugging at his pants-legs.

As Iruka held a brief moment of silence for himself, he heard the footsteps of one of the girls running to the side of the room where another gathering of ANBU women were hanging out.

"Hey!" she yelled in a pleasant voice, "Do any of you guys have a paddle?"

~*~

> We get knocked down, but we get up again

~*~

Kakashi grinned at Tsunade as the black paint trickled down his neck.

The Hokage narrowed her eyes at him—her eye twitching angrily.

"You dumbass! That's not healthy." Tsunade stated flatly, crossing her arms, "…especially if that stuff gets in your mouth!"

Kakashi's grin slumped slightly.

Tsunade smirked as she got an idea. "He thinks he's so smart." She thought. "I'll teach him to try and get away with circumventing my law."

The Hokage cleared her throat to get the Copy-nin's _full_ attention.

"As a medical ninja, I cannot let this go. Shizune!" She yelled sternly.

Within seconds, Shizune appeared in the doorway.

"Yes, ma'am?"

"Take him to the medical ward, strip him naked, give him a _complete_ physical exam, and wash that _stuff_ off of his face."

"Right away!" Shizune replied, approaching Kakashi with a large smile.

"..B-B-but…b-but…" Kakashi stuttered—raising a slightly shaking hand in protest.

"Yeah…you'll get to show _yours_ off to Shizune." Tsunade said slyly.

Shizune grinned as she hauled Kakashi off. He was whimpering slightly.

And he had thought that his plan was so _oooo_ clever too.

~*~

After the door to the Hokage's office shut and Kakashi and Shizune were gone, an ANBU slung in through one of the open windows.

"Hokage-sama, I'm here with a report!"

"Yes?"

"I came across a fully clothed Sand-nin. I wanted to know if the rules applied to them."

The Hokage paused, tapping a finger to her lip in thought. "Come to think of it, it wouldn't be good for them to stand out so much—especially if we were to come under attack."

There was a long pause.

"Go inform them that they should blend in as best they can and obey my decrees."

"Yes, Hokage-sama."

As the ANBU turned to leave, Tsunade suddenly thought of something else.

"Hold on!" she called out causing the ANBU to pause, "Please also send out a message to the entire village. No male shinobi will be allowed to wear _any_ sort of face paint from this point forward."

" _Yes_ , Hokage-sama."

"Oh, and outlaw hair-ties while your at it, I forgot to specify that clearly."

~*~

Hinata dropped the pair of orange pants that she had tucked so gingerly in her arms. The Hyuuga's mouth hung open as she watched the blonde sand kunoichi rush in and kiss Naruto's lips. 'Those were _her_ lips to kiss DAMNIT!' Hinata quietly thought as she picked up his orange pants from the ground and hid herself back in the dark shadows of the alley. Oh, how her plans were ruined.

_Flashback to earlier in the day_

Hinata sat on her bed in her room, staring at the orange jumpsuit pants she had stolen from _her_ Naruto.

"O-oh Naruto!" She breathed mentally, "I w-wish I had the strength to tell you how I-I feel! O-oh how I wish I could tell y-you about what happened that night that I stole you away."

"O-oh…" She blushed a deep red as she glanced over at the small orange fox mask that she had sitting across the room on her dresser.

Suddenly, an idea struck her.

"His p-pants!" She gasped, taking them off the wall.

"I-I'll tell him I found them— _right,_ found them _not_ stole them!" Hinata blushed, smiling wider and wider, "Y-yeah, he'll be so happy, he's sure to notice me!"

And with that, she grabbed the pants and headed off to find her _love_.

~*~

_Back to the present_

As Chouji—munching away at some chips—decided to go check on Shikamaru who was still laid out on the ground from Temari's slap, Kiba's ears perked up at a sound behind him that sounded like... sniffling?

He spun around to catch a glimpse of a figure darting back into the shadows.

"Hinata?" Kiba asked himself curiously, taking a few steps in that direction.

"…I wonder what's wrong…" He thought as he took off after Hinata, following her stealthily, so that she wouldn't notice.

~*~

"Hey Naruto, I see you are having some luck with the ladies!"

Naruto—attached at the hand to Temari, blinked, looking up at the origin of the voice.

"Who are you?" Naruto asked simply.

The figure raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"I'm Ebisu!" He said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the entire world.

Naruto scrunched up his face and leaned his head in for a closer look.

"Who?"

Ebisu's mouth hung open for a second.

"Ebisu! You know…" He trailed off slightly, looking at Temari. He continued his line of thought leaning close to Naruto's face with a whisper, " 'Closet pervert' and all that…"

Ebisu blushed slightly with embarrassment.

Naruto spent several minutes scrutinizing the man's face and hair.

"I've never seen you before in my life."

Ebisu's eyebrow twitched as he was left completely dumbfounded. Naruto was just completely incapable of recognizing the jounin without his glasses and bandana.

~*~

"Shizune! Shizune!"

Genma called out for Shizune's name over and over again. He had been trying to find her for most of the day. She had run off after his terrible, _horrible_ balding secret had been discovered. On a whim, he decided to check—

"Shizune! Hey, Shizu—"Genma did a double take, "What the hell?"

Before him was none other than Shizune, holding a shower head over the wet glistening silver hair of a completely stark-naked Hatake Kakashi who was currently sitting in front of her with his legs crossed.

"…" They turned to look at their _visitor_.

"Uh…b-buh..g-guh…" Genma's mouth flapped up and down.

"What?" Kakashi asked nonchalantly.

"Why, Shizune…WHY?" Genma whined in distress—his eyes filling with tears as he ran away from the scene.

Once he was gone, Shizune and Kakashi shrugged and went back to their " _bath_."

~*~

Meanwhile, over in the Akatsuki evil lair, Deidara was about to make a cunning retort to Itachi's comment when Zetsu wandered into the room.

"Grumble…" Was all that the odd green Akatsuki member offered in greeting.

Deidara raised an eyebrow, "What's eating _you_ , Zetsu, yeah?"

"Zetsu?" Kisame suddenly asked himself, darting back into the main room—his screams of terror starting to die down. "Hey, maybe I can bribe _him_ into going and getting my sword back!" The blue fishy-man thought to himself.

Zetsu mumbled to himself for a moment before replying to Deidara.

"It…won't…stop…"

"Yeah?" Deidara was starting to get curious.

"…following…me…around…"

"What?"

"It."

"Who?"

Zetsu turned and opened the main entrance door _just_ long enough for them to catch a glimpse.

"That."

"Hi!" The figure waved jubilantly, "Tobi's a good boy!"

SLAM.

Itachi raised an eyebrow. "What does _it_ want?"

"It… wants… _in_."

"In the door?"

"…in…Akatsuki."

SNORT "HAHAHA!" Deidara doubled over laughing.

"Tobi will do anything!" Came a muffled plea from the other side of the door.

"Go awa—"

" _Anything_ you say?" Kisame interrupted, jumping toward the door, pressing his ear to it.

At this action, Zetsu looked a bit disturbed, while Deidara was waving his arms making "NO!" signals in the air.

Kisame looked over at Itachi whose expression was unresponsive—which basically meant that he didn't care one way or the other.

"Can you go fetch my _huge_ weapon for me?"

"Then Tobi in Akatsuki?"

"NO," Kisame's eyes wandered off, "But, you'll uh…" He looked around the room as he quickly tried to think of something.

"You can…you can be Akatsuki's bitch!"

Everyone in the room did a double-take at Kisame.

"I-I mean dog—no, I mean MASCOT, yeah…you can be Akatsuki's _mascot_ …thingy…" Kisame sweat dropped.

Itachi rolled his eyes and went into another room.

The shark-man waited in anticipation for a reply from the other side of the door.

"Yay! Tobi will get fishy-man's weapon! Where does Tobi find it?"

"Konoha."

And so, Tobi set off on his way.

~*~

_Later that afternoon_

Temari and Naruto were walking along when they heard a commotion up ahead. As they neared the figures, she could make out a Konoha ANBU speaking to Kankuro and some woman with markings on her face.

"I have to WHAT?"

"Sorry, Hokage's orders."

"My precious face paint…" Kankuro whined as he allowed the ANBU to wipe his face off with a cloth.

Hana blinked.

"WHAT?" She shrieked, "You mean your beautiful face markings are FAKE!"

"Huh?" Kankuro blinked, looking at the Inuzuka as the ANBU went to removing his hood and outfit down to his waist.

Hana rubbed a finger across her red face markings to illustrate.

"Mine," She said, "are permanent!"

"Oh…" Kankuro stated flatly—the ANBU gone.

"Don't 'Oh' me…" Hana continued, "If you _really_ love me, you'll get your face tattooed." She then began to walk off, leaving the Sand-nin in the dust.

"B-but, sweet-cheeks!" Kankuro whined, reaching out for her.

"…what are you doing?"

Kankuro turned his head to see his sister…along with Naruto.

"Oh…hey Temari." Kankuro said, slowly looking over at the grinning genin next to her.

"Why are you walking around with _him_?" Kankuro questioned with a raised eyebrow, gesturing at Naruto.

Temari looked over at the genin who was holding her hand.

"Long story." She replied giving him an odd look. "Why… are you half-naked?"

Her brother sighed, grinning sheepishly "Long story."

Suddenly, Hana, who had been in the process of wandering off, spotted something that sparked her interest and soon sprinted over, bending down slightly, coming face to face with Naruto.

Naruto scrunched up his face at her in curiosity. Hana replied by poking his cheek.

"Interesting face marking's _you_ got there." She grinned at him, rubbing a finger across his _whisker marks_.

"Uh…thanks?" Naruto said.

Hana paused for a moment in thought before looking up at Temari with _puppy-dog_ eyes.

"Is there any way I could… ' _borrow'_ him for a bit?" She asked hopefully, pointing at Naruto.

Temari glanced over at the blonde shinobi who was currently sporting a rather confused look on his face.

There was a long pause.

"Sure," Temari smiled at Hana, "I'm pretty-much done with him anyway."

"…wha?" Naruto managed to get out as Hana slung him over her shoulder.

"Thanks a lot!" She grinned, heading off, "I'll be sure to return him to you later!"

"Ok, bye!" Temari waved—the display leaving Kankuro twitching profusely.

Sniffle.

Sniffle.

"Nobody loves me!" Inner-Kankuro cried.

~*~

Sasuke was jumping roof to roof scanning the ground, until he happened to spot Neji.

Jumping to the ground, he addressed the Hyuuga.

"Do you happen to know where Tenten—or _hell…_ Hinata is?"

Neji glanced around all suspicious-like before replying to the Uchiha.

"That's what _I'd_ like to know."

~*~

Hinata peeped with a tiny sneeze as she sat on a bench next to a busy street with lots of ninja and villagers walking past. She had decided to console herself by looking at passing guys with her _Byakugan_ , mentally comparing and imagining their bodies as Naruto's. Unbeknownst to her, Kiba was watching her carefully from down the road, wondering why she was just sitting there.

Hinata sighed. She began to find that she was actually enjoying the show—that was…until three certain Sand-shinobi came heading her way.

There walked Temari, Kankuro—who was in the middle of eating something—along with Gaara—who they had recently met up with just moments ago.

"Ugh." Hinata thought as Kankuro passed, but then—

"O-oh!" She actually said loud enough for the three of them, along with Kiba to hear.

Temari and Kankuro shot a glance at each other.

Hinata was looking…at _Gaara_.

"A-ah…" Hinata peeped again.

"What the hell?" Kankuro questioned.

Temari shrugged and shook her head.

Hinata got up off the bench and took a few steps toward the red haired shinobi.

For a moment, Gaara and Hinata's eyes met.

There was a long pause.

Then, Gaara blinked and began to simply walk off again—a slight look of curiosity lingering on his face as Hinata actually followed along, attempting to walk next to him.

His face remained fairly emotionless, and he didn't seem to care one way or another.

Gaara's siblings could only stand there as they watched their brother wander off with the Hyuuga following close behind.

"What…what could she have _seen_?" Temari asked awe-struck to no one in particular.

"Well…" Kankuro began.

"No, I mean why _him_?" She continued.

"Well," Kankuro began _again_ , "Shukaku is a Demon- _Tanuki_ , you know: a raccoon-dog."

He paused for a moment, taking a bite of the food he was carrying around.

"And you _know_ what they _say_ about raccoon-dogs…"

Temari shook her head unsurely.

Kiba—who had been standing there the whole time—as the closest "canine expert" in the area, decided to explain.

The Inuzuka coughed uneasily, "Tanuki are…legendary for having…really huge testicles…in comparison to the rest of their…bodies."

"…" Temari blinked repeatedly as that information set in.

"Oh GOD, I didn't need to KNOW that!" Temari screeched in complaint, as she slapped her hands on the sides of her head, watching Gaara walk off into the distance.

Kankuro took a bite of some food he was eating, making crunching noises as he spoke.

"You know, just cause _Shukaku_ has big balls doesn't necessarily mean that Gaara…"

"SHUT. UP! AH!"


	23. Fancy Meeting You Here

**T** emari blinked slowly as she watched Gaara walking off into the sunset with the odd Hyuuga girl following him. She looked at the scene, blinking again until it suddenly _hit_ her.

Removing her hands from their position covering her ears, she gasped.

"What is it Temari?" Kankuro asked with sudden concern and curiosity in his voice.

His sister slowly creaked her head towards him—an almost crazed, worrisome look on her face.

"Kankuro…" Temari said in a low voice that began to shake, "Do you see anything _wrong_ …with Gaara?"

The Sand-nin paused and scratched at his bare chest.

"Uh…" Kankuro muttered as he stared at his red-haired brother and contemplated Temari's comment.

Suddenly, his train of thought was interrupted by the sound of hurried and heavy footsteps pounding into the shingles of the roof to the right of the group.

Kiba snapped his head over to look at the two figures speeding along.

"ANBU?" The Inuzuka casually questioned to no one in particular.

Temari twitched.

Kankuro's mouth slowly separated from his lips as he did a double take.

Gaara walking off into the distance.

Two ANBU speeding straight for him.

"Ooooh…. **shit.** " Kankuro exclaimed, "Gaara still has on his _top_!"

~*~

> What are the odds

~*~

"Gaara!" Kankuro yelled, cupping his hands next to his mouth.

His cries were not heard, and within seconds Gaara was forced to stop in his tracks due to two female ANBU having jumped from the roofs, blocking his path. Startled—Hinata backed off a few steps.

From the expressions of the two Sand shinobi standing next to him, Kiba quickly assessed that this was not going to end well.

The Inuzuka looked down at Akamaru for a moment before looking back at his teammate.

"Hinata!" Kiba cried out, "RUN!"

"O-oh?" Hinata muttered, spinning around to meet the worried gaze of her teammate several yards away.

She clutched her arms to her chest and took one long last look at Gaara before switching off her _Byakugan_ and sprinting away as fast as she could go.

Now all that remained were the icy stares being exchanged between the two Konoha ANBU and one Gaara of the Desert.

One of the kunoichi glared through the black eyeholes of her mask and forcefully stated, "You are to remove your upper clothing by supreme order of the Hokage."

Kankuro and Temari held their breath.

Gaara blinked slowly—oh so slowly, letting his dark eyelids fall, while a look that could almost be called amusement crossed his curling lips.

"I'm not wearing any clothes." Gaara said plainly, shooting the two women a glance.

There was a pause.

"WHAT?"

"I said… I am not _wearing_ any clothes."

Drops of sweat poured from the sides of each ANBU's head.

"But, you DO have on clothes!" One exclaimed, pointing at his shirt, "I see them right THERE!"

The two kunoichi watched as the red-head uncrossed his arms, tilted his head toward his sleeve, and gave the fabric a tug.

It stretched to a certain point before turning a grayish brown and cracking. After a second, the piece fell to the ground and shattered into a dozen pieces.

"It's _sand_?" The woman questioned in disbelief, "Your clothes are nothing but _sand_?"

Gaara nodded.

"So…" The other woman concluded, "…that means you have actually been walking around completely _naked_?"

The Sand-nin shrugged.

"Oo..k…well…" The two ANBU were a bit dumbfounded, "…can you rearrange your sand so that—"

Gaara was way ahead of them—already altering the sand to make it look like his chest was bare.

"…" The two females blinked.

"Uh…alright… have a nice day then…I guess…" One ANBU said as they left, returning to the rooftops in search of other men who needed stripping.

A few moments later, Gaara returned to his siblings who were curiously sprawled out on the ground, legs in the air, twitching slightly.

He could almost swear that Kankuro was foaming at the mouth.

"What happened to _you_?" Gaara stated flatly, looking at his brother and sister quizzically.

~*~

Hinata ran and ran until she could run no longer. She breathed heavily as she slowed down. She looked behind her to see if anyone was following. When she saw nothing, she sighed and backed up, practically falling onto the double bench behind her.

She sat back and sighed again—harder this time—as she stared off into the sky, watching the sun begin to set, lower and lower.

The Hyuuga let her head fall into her hands, mumbling to herself about Naruto, "…why…why did he kiss that other woman…it should have been me."

It was surprising that she did not sense the presence behind her.

"Hyuuga." A deep voice stated.

A gasp erupted from Hinata. She cautiously turned her head to see who had spoken, grasping her satchel that contained freshly sharpened kunai—just in case.

The first thing Hinata's eyes met was an arm that was propped up along the cool metal of the top of the other bench that was back to back to hers. The next thing she saw was dark hair, softly flowing in the breeze.

Hinata's eyes met the eyes of one Sasuke Uchiha.

Hinata blinked in surprise.

Some time earlier Sasuke had given up on his search for Tenten or hell, _any_ breathing female his age, and had decided to rest on this bench for a while and wait.

Hinata looked at the Uchiha with a questioning look.

"…problems?" Sasuke asked casually.

"Huh? O-oh," Hinata blushed, embarrassed, "S-sorry I was mumbling to myself."

"I have… problems as well." He stated a bit mysteriously.

The Uchiha closed his eyes and faced away from her once again.

"S-sasuke? Wha–"

"Hyuuga," He cut her off, "I realize you and I have barely spoken to each other, but I have a proposition that I will simply state, and you can take it or leave it—no questions asked."

Out of curiosity, she went along and nodded.

With that, Sasuke began to speak.

"It is very simple, and yet very complicated. I have two goals in life. To accomplish one, I must go train, but I cannot train here as long as this sex frenzy mission is going on. Therefore, I must go elsewhere to train, but it may be dangerous, so I need to accomplish my other goal before I leave. My second goal is to revive my clan—and for that I need a woman…or-several," he added quickly.

Hinata raised an eyebrow slightly.

"To make a long story short…," he continued, "…if it so interests you, Hyuuga Hinata, for whatever reasons you may have, meet me in the middle of this night, between midnight and dawn…

…in my bed."

Hinata's face turned a deep red—among other things.

The Hyuuga continued to stare straight forward as Sasuke, behind her, slowly stood up on top of the bench.

He lingered there for a few moments staring down at the young woman before disappearing off elsewhere in a hurry.

~*~

Jiraiya was out poking about, looking through at the edges of a fence, trying to catch a glimpse of some scantily clad women on the other side. It was some sort of workout club for the village women on the other side. He was enjoying himself until he began to be distracted by droning voices coming from next door.

The white haired pervert attempted to ignore it for a while, but his curiosity got the better of him.

Jiraiya walked a little ways over to the front of the other building. It had a hastily thrown together white banner across the entrance that read:

"Therapy Meeting Tonight?" The Sannin read curiously, raising an eyebrow just a bit.

The white haired man took a few steps in and peered around the corner.

He blinked.

Looking around, he saw a block of chairs filled with various male shinobi of the village. There were many familiar faces. A small brown podium was at the front in the direction all the chairs faced.

Jiraiya pondered a moment, scratching his head.

"What the hell, I may as well—" He stated, taking an inconspicuous seat in the back.

After a few quiet moments, one of the shinobi walked up to the podium.

"Hi," he stated, "My name is Raido."

"HI RAIDO." The ninja in the audience chimed back in monotone.

"And…" Raido stifled a few sniffles, "No one loves me 'cause I'm ugly."

Jiraiya made an odd face as two dozen heartfelt "Awwwws" erupted around him in a similar tone.

After Raido had a seat, two ninja got up together and went to the podium.

"Hi, I'm Izumo."

"HI IZUMO."

"And I'm Kotetsu."

"HI KOTETSU."

"And," Kotetsu set a hand on Izumo's shoulder and said dramatically, "We can't get a date 'cause the women think we're ' _special friends_ ' because we hang out all the time!"

After enduring another round of heartfelt "Awwwws" and other remarks of sympathy, Jiraiya felt like gagging.

Izumo went to sit down, but Kotetsu had more to say apparently.

"And now, I give the floor to our organizer, Ibiki!"

Ibiki waved to the audience as he walked up to the stage, smiling a _much_ bigger smile than usual.

"I have an announcement," he began.

All eyes focused on him.

"Me and Anko just got done with some sweet, _sweet_ loving," Ibiki grinned widely, "so, I won't be needing to be coming to these meetings anymore!"

Crickets chirped.

Ibiki then quickly left the building in order to get back to 'the fun,' leaving a stunned silent—and twitching in horror, audience.

Jiraiya left, as the other ninjas from 'therapy' trickled out into the street.

"I sure as hell don't want to end up a permanent member of _that_ club," Jiraiya remarked, digging around in his pocket for something in particular.

"Desperate times call for extreme measures…" He said, an awkward bead of sweat pouring down his face.

Jiraiya held in front of him a certain little black book that was marred with red ink—no thanks to the corrections of a certain green beast.

~*~

_Nightfall_

The clock struck midnight and a stranger stood underneath the Konoha gates, peering in.

He had run _so_ very fast to get there.

"Konoha," he repeated to himself, "This is where Tobi will find it."

He walked a little ways before tripping over something which sent him flying into the ground.

Tobi sat up as dirt slid off of his swirly orange mask.

He looked behind him.

"Someone left thingy in road." He stated loudly.

Tobi stared at it for a moment before moving along.

"Now… where could fishy-man's sword be?" Tobi said, scratching his head—when in fact the object he had just tripped over _was_ Kisame's weapon. It just wasn't sword-like enough to register in Tobi's mind.

After a while of wandering around, Tobi managed to find himself in front of the building where many ANBU women had been abducting men off to.

Not knowing any better, Tobi strolled right on in there and observed several women wearing animal masks. One of them had a paddle in the air—and there was a guy on the table with his bare butt exposed. Tobi found this all to be very strange.

"Help…me…" the man on the table whimpered.

Tobi cocked his head to the side.

"Oh, who's this?" Came the voices of a few of the women as they took note of their new _visitor_.

Tobi sweat-dropped as one of the ANBU suddenly strolled over, sticking _her_ masked face right up in _his_.

After a few moments of staring at him, she backed off slightly and asked, "What's your name, sweetie?"

"Tobi!" Tobi exclaimed happily, thrusting his arms into the air.

He then felt a poke in his back. Spinning around, he found himself looking into the face of another woman.

She poked at his orange swirly mask with her finger.

"What kind of an ANBU are you anyway… a snail or something?"

Tobi scratched his head in confusion, "Tobi's not a—"

WHACK!

He never had a chance.

~*~

_3:00 am_

Sasuke was speeding through the woods in a hurry to get back to his apartment to see if Hinata was going to show. He had been out in the woods having a _special_ 'training' session…with himself.

He made it past the gate, and had just jumped up on a rooftop next to the side of a larger building when suddenly the air around him moved, throwing leaves from a nearby tree in all directions.

The Uchiha looked up to find himself staring at four odd shinobi in unfamiliar clothing. He was about to take a defensive position before he noticed the Sound headbands they wore.

Sasuke sighed loudly, taking a seat on the roof.

"Thank GOD you guys got here, I've been waiting FOREVER!"

"…" Sakon blinked, raising an eyebrow.

"Wait, what?" Kidomaru exclaimed, registering his surprise with all six of his arms.

"The hell?" Tayuya exclaimed shooting a glance at Jirobo.

Jirobo just kind of shrugged.

"Come with us." Sakon stated to Sasuke, "Orochimaru's waiting."

" _Now_?" Sasuke asked, trailing off—his mind wandering to his appointed rendezvous that he was currently overdue for.

The Sound four nodded.

Sasuke grimaced slightly.

"Uh, yeah that sounds _great_ and all," The Uchiha began slowly, "but I _really_ need to go impregnate a few women first and then I'd be _happy_ to—"

"Yeah, yeah that's what they _all_ say."

They did not look amused.

Sasuke's mouth gaped as he was about to make a retort, but—

"Wait, what's that music?" Tayuya stated, putting a hand to her ear.

"Huh?" The others looked around in various directions. They could hear it too.

Sasuke slapped a hand on his face, running it down his skin slowly.

"Oh god," he said with disdain, "The ANBU must be having _another_ rave…"

"Rave?"

"Yeah, all anyone does around here anymore is have constant sex." Sasuke pouted, crossing his arms.

There was a long pause.

" _Sex_ , you say?" Kidomaru piped up with a look of interest.

" _Constant_ , you say?" Tayuya asked with growing excitement.

Sasuke blinked.

Tayuya tapped a finger to her lip as she thought it over. She looked over in the direction of the music. She looked over at Sasuke. Music. Sasuke. Sex. Sasuke. Constant sex. Sasuke.

There was a long pause.

"Fuck this shit, I want some _sex_!" Tayuya suddenly exclaimed in an outburst, darting off of the roof and running in the direction of the music.

"Yeah!" Kidomaru similarly exclaimed, following Tayuya "Orochimaru never lets us have any fun!"

"Whoo Hoo!" Jirobo hollered as he and Sakon disappeared off, following the other two.

"WAIT!" Sasuke called out to them desperately.

All he got in reply was a distant "See ya!"

Sasuke's eye twitched.

~*~

Elsewhere, the Sound four began to scout out what fun there was to be had at the ANBU building.

Tayuya was intrigued by yelling off in the distance so she followed the sound. She came upon a strange scene.

"Tobi's a goo-WHACK!-OOOOD boy!"

The female ANBU raised the paddle again and gave the odd man that was tied to the table another slap on the butt.

"Tobi's a goo-WHACK!-OOOOOOOOD boy!

"Tobi's a goo-WHACK!-OOOOOOOOOOD boy!

"Tobi's a goo-WHACK!-OOOOOD boy!

"Yes, yes Tobi's a _very_ good boy." The ANBU said slyly, giving the paddling a break and walking away.

Tobi looked up as the Sound-kunoichi approached him with a playful look.

"Tobi's a good boy!" He said enthusiastically.

"Well," She said, smirking at him, "Tayuya's a _baaad_ girl!"


	24. Irresistible

**T** he female sound ninja leaned towards Tobi.

"He's kinda cute…in a strange sort of way."

He still lay on the table while she stood in front of him.

Tobi moved, shifting around until he was sitting on the table, facing Tayuya with his legs under him.

She leaned next to him, propping her arm on the table.

She thought for a moment, before grinning and whipping out her flute.

Tobi titled his head, looking at the woman with curiosity.

Tayuya put the flute up to her mouth and moved her fingers, pretending to play a few notes before again lowering the flute from her mouth.

"If I play my flute a little for you…" She purred with a sly smile, "Will your _snake_ jump out and dance for me?"

There was a pause

"…a snake? Where?" Tobi looked all around, scratching his head in confusion.

~*~

> Can't resist

~*~

"…" Tayuya let out an exasperated grunt at Tobi's failure to 'catch her drift' and for a moment considered wandering more around the ANBU compound to find a different guy to _do it_ with.

That is, until she snapped out of her thoughts and happened to glance over at Tobi who seemed to have found something very interesting on the floor next to the table. He was peering off the edge of the table at it.

"A book?" Tayuya thought aloud, as she picked it up.

"It's orange! Just like my face!" Tobi said with excitement.

Tayuya stared strangely at the swirly-orange-masked ninja for a moment before opening the book and finding herself quickly engrossed with it.

"Oh!" She said looking at one page before flipping to another.

"Ah! Hmmm…"

" _Damn_ that's hot." Tayuya mumbled to herself. "Ooo I gotta try that…"

"What'cha reading?" Tobi asked with curiosity.

A large grin spread over the kunoichi's face as she grasped his arm and pulled him from the table to where he would be standing in front of her.

Tobi scratched his head.

"Wanna go in the back and fuck?" Tayuya asked casually.

"Ok!" Tobi answered with his usual cheerfulness.

As the Sound kunoichi grasped his hand and led him away, Tobi pondered to himself slowly:

"I wonder what fuck means?"

~*~

A few moments after Tobi and Tayuya disappeared off into the dark, a certain Green Beast—minus the green outfit—came strutting through the large room, _completely nude_. Apparently, the ANBU had given up trying to convince Gai to put on any sort of clothing that was _not_ a one-piece, blindingly-unstylish, green leotard and had decided, instead of locking him up, they may as well have a bit of fun with him.

"Gai!" Several female voices sang from the other room, "Come back! We want to play the ring-toss again!"

Gai smiled widely, turning on his heels.

"Coming, ladies!" Gai called out in his most _sexy_ voice.

~*~

_The Next Morning_

"HINATA! HINATA!" a voice strained, calling out.

"Hinata! Oh…" the voice asked, "…where are you?"

"He told me I have to find her." Neji stated to himself as he walked aimlessly around the village looking for her. "Where could she be?"

As he passed by the Inuzuka place, he couldn't help but hear the sounds emanating from the inside.

"Oooo that tickles…"

Neji stopped in his tracks. "That voice…"

The Hyuuga glanced around the street to make sure no one was watching him as he stealthily approached one of the nearby windows, peering through.

"Woof! WOOF! Woof woof-WOOF!"

Neji fell backwards as a large dog appeared right in front of his face in the window, barking loudly.

"Down boy, it's alright. I'll let you out in a minute." A female voice soothed.

"Kiba's sister." Neji whispered to himself. "Hana…"

Neji's face popped back up in the window.

"Naruto," Neji's eyes narrowed, thinking, "What are you doing here?"

Naruto giggled as Hana carefully went over another of his whiskers with red ink.

As he watched the scene, Neji's focus drifted from the brush softly moving across Naruto's face to Hana's breasts, which Neji suddenly noted were slowly bouncing with every movement of her—

"Who's that in the window?"

Neji's face turned red as he ducked down. She saw him. She _saw_ him!

Naruto blinked as the Inuzuka put down her brush and rushed outside to see what the deal was.

Hana soon stood face to face with Neji.

"Why were you staring through my window?"

"I uh…" Neji thought quickly, "Was trying…to… see if you were home?"

"Why?" Hana asked the Hyuuga curiously, "Do you want me for something."

"I want you for lots of things…" Neji said dreamily before snapping out of it, "I mean, uh…Kiba sent me, yes that's right…Kiba!" He quickly corrected, trying to make up some excuse.

"Oh, dear," Hana said with worry, "Is something wrong with Akamaru? Does he need veterinary attention?"

"Uh…" Neji said as he pondered if this lie was going to work, "…I _think_ that is what he said."

"I better hurry!" Hana exclaimed, gathering her vet equipment and saying a quick goodbye to Naruto.

As she was about to rush away—

"Wait, I'll come with you!" Neji said, hoping to get some alone time with Kiba's sexy older sister.

She smiled back, shaking her head before taking off into the distance.

Neji frowned slightly.

After a few moments, Naruto emerged from the house.

"Hey Neji!" Naruto grinned.

Neji stared at Naruto strangely. Suddenly a thought crossed the Hyuuga's mind as he glanced at the shorts Naruto was wearing.

"What?" Naruto asked.

"Do you realize Hinata has your pants?"

"Huh?"

Earlier that morning, Neji was sent to find Hinata. She was not in her room, but Neji couldn't help but notice a hastily thrown pair of orange pants in the corner of the room.

"Hmmm…" Neji thought. "Did you lose them or something?"

"Yes! Hinata must have found them!" Naruto jumped up and down with excitement, "She's such a nice person!" Naruto gushed with happiness, running off to find Hinata and hopefully get his clothes back.

Neji followed close behind.

~*~

_The Previous Night_

Hinata breathed with excitement, dropping off Naruto's pants at her room, and taking one last look around before sneaking out and heading to the Uchiha's place.

At the designated hour, Hinata tapped softly at the door of Sasuke's apartment.

She waited.

There was no reply, but the door creaked—swinging open slightly. It had been left unlocked.

Curious as to who or what lay behind those walls, Hinata pushed the door open all the way and slipped inside.

~*~

Elsewhere Tsunade got several hurried knocks at the door.

"Hokage-sama!"

"Yes?"

"We've just got an ANBU report about suspicious activity in the village! A strange sword was found lying in the street! A lookout thinks that up to four intruders may have entered the village! There has also been a sighting of a strange masked man!

"Hmmm…"

Tsunade got up from her desk. "It may be a Sound plot…or it could be nothing. Just in case, alert the Sand shinobi that are stationed here and the ANBU. Tell them to search for intruders and take appropriate action! If it turns out to be ninja from the Sound village, don't hesitate to kill them."

"Yes, Hokage-sama!"

~*~

_10:00 a.m._

Shikamaru sat just outside his home—the wind blowing lightly through his hair—as he stared at his shogi board.

Suddenly his senses detected footsteps approaching. By his calculations of the frequency and the lightness of the steps…

"Female." Shikamaru stated flatly, "…not _again_."

The footsteps paused. He felt a presence behind him.

Shikamaru looked up.

"Huh?" He said with some surprise.

She waved at him.

"…Hinata?"

"Hi," She smiled sheepishly, "I was just on my way to breakfast and…"

"Hn." Shikamaru mumbled.

"What's wrong?" Hinata asked. She thought he seemed somewhat distressed.

Shikamaru paused.

"My parents…were….having REALLY loud sex in the kitchen, so I had to get out of there kind of quick."

Hinata paled.

"They are so troublesome…can't keep their hands to themselves."

Hinata's eye twitched.

"At this rate, I'll have a dozen brothers and sisters."

"Um…" Hinata sweat-dropped.

"Not only that, but with Asuma presumably equally as busy elsewhere…I have no one to play shogi with me."

Hinata felt a little sorry for Shikamaru's… _troubles_ —if you could call it that.

"Uh…I um…guess I could play with you?"

"Do you know how?"

"No…" she said softly, twiddling her thumbs.

"Sit." Shikamaru said with a smirk, "I'll teach you."

~*~

"There she is!" Naruto said, poking Neji, as he spotted Shikamaru and Hinata 'playing' shogi.

She was giggling.

"I wonder what they could be talking about?" Neji stated aloud as they approached the two.

"HINATA!" Naruto suddenly yelled, nearly blasting out Neji's eardrums.

Hinata nearly swallowed the game piece she had been lazily running over her lips.

Shikamaru couldn't help but stare at her.

Hinata turned deep red as Naruto rushed over to her, squeezing her in a hug.

Shikamaru raised an eyebrow at the red marks that covered half of Naruto's face.

"Oh!" Hinata breathed as the wind was taken out of her.

"You've got my pants! You found them! I'm so happy!" Naruto yelled, jiggling her.

He was rocking her so much in the hug; it was making her eyes dizzy. Once Naruto took notice of Hinata's spinning eyes, he backed off, letting her take in a breath.

Naruto grinned, scratching his blonde hair.

"You feel kinda squishy! Hee hee."

"Huh?" Hinata peeped, the color beginning to return to her face. "Oh…Naruto…"

"Uh…Hinata…" Neji suddenly interrupted.

Hinata looked past Naruto and noticed Neji staring at something intently.

She turned, and gasped.

It was her father and her sister—next to him—shaking her head.

Her father did not look pleased.

~*~

"So, Ino…" Sakura began as she gulped down another helping of food.

"Yeah?" Ino said, stuffing a few more noodles into her face.

"How long should we stay away from Sasuke?"

Ino grinned, "Long enough for the idea to soak into his male mind that we 'don't love him anymore.' Ha."

"So in a few days…a week…"

"We surprise him!" Ino pumped a fist into the air.

There was a pause as they went back to eating their breakfast.

Sakura grinned slyly, "Remember, _I_ get to go _first_."

Ino's smile drooped, "What? I thought we agreed _I'd_ get to go first!"

"NO, it was me!" Sakura hopped up on her chair, pushing up her sleeve and brandishing her fist.

"ME!" Ino grasped a kunai from her pocket.

Sakura lowered her fist slightly as she noticed Ino's eyes suddenly move away from her.

The pink-haired kunoichi looked over her shoulder to see an odd sight.

Tenten was walking towards them, elbow-locked with Rock Lee. The thing _was_ —the only thing Lee had on was a flowery pink pair of women's underwear.

Ino and Sakura fell back in their seats and blinked simultaneously.

"Where have you two been?" Ino asked incredulously, not totally sure if she wanted to hear the answer.

Lee plopped down in the seat next to Sakura as Tenten took a seat next to Lee—a wide smile across her face.

Sakura blinked as Lee suddenly cupped her hands with his own and stared into her eyes.

"Um…" Sakura mumbled. She couldn't help but ogle his rippling muscles.

"Sakura!" Lee began, "I would be honored if you would participate in some special one-on-one training with me!"

Ino raised an eyebrow.

Tenten stared at Lee with displeasure.

" _Leeee_ …" Tenten said slowly, but calmly, "I thought I _told_ you… You're only supposed to do _that_ special training with _me_ , **remember**?"

Lee shook his head at Tenten and stuck a pose looking up into the sky.

"But it would not be in the spirit of youthfulness to not to share the glory of the experience with one as lovely as the fragile blooms of the lotus blossom!" Lee said, looking into Sakura's eyes.

Sakura couldn't help but blush.

Ino shot Sakura a look like she was crazy.

Tenten snorted, as Lee offered his hand to Sakura, which, against her better judgment, accepted.

Ino frowned at this turn of events until she realized something.

"More for me!"

~*~

"Sake please." Jiraiya said as he took a seat in the bar next to a young beautiful woman with fiery hair.

The woman didn't so much as glance as him.

The Sannin thought the situation over for a moment before reaching into his pocket and pulling out his small book of pickup lines that had been ruined with red-ink by a certain genin.

Jiraiya turned to a page and reluctantly began to read the jumbled mess, resolving not to look at the woman's expression until he was either done reading or she had punched him out.

"If I said your… youthfulness was a… blossom, would you take off your lotus and accept my…ninja-way…into your…green…beast and uh…dance into the…babbling brook until we…erupted with…sexy youthfulness?"

Jiraiya scrunched up his face as he finished the words, before putting on his most sexy gaze and turning his attention to the beautiful woman.

He blinked.

Apparently, during his 'speech' she had left, and another woman had taken her seat.

"Hello, sonny!"

…a very, _very_ old wrinkled woman replied.

Jiraiya paled.

"What's that?" She asked, putting a shaking hand up to her ear, "You think I'm youthful and sexy, do ya?"

"I…uh-uh…" Jiraiya stuttered in horror.

"Don't be shy, _boy_! Let's get to it!"


	25. Seven Days

**T** he Hyuugas stared at each other.  
  
"You're late." Hinata's father stated sternly.

"Oh?"

"Or did you forget?"

"Hinata," Neji turned to her, "Your father sent me to find you this morning. I was supposed to escort you to the special clan gathering today and make sure you got there. Attendance for main branch members is required."

"S-sorry." Hinata looked at her feet.

"Neji. You may stay here, I'll take her myself." Her father stated.

"Let's go, Hinata!" Hanabi said grabbing her arm, "You don't want to miss the baby-shower for all the pregnant Hyuuga women in the ANBU now do you?"

Shikamaru blinked as he, Naruto, and Neji watched Hinata leave.

A few moments passed before something occurred to the blonde-haired genin.

"What about my PANTS?"

~*~

> The final countdown

~*~

_A little bit later that day_

Tenten pouted, resting her head in her hands—her elbows propped on the table of the little outdoor restaurant where she and Lee had just come upon Ino and Sakura.

Tenten sighed, while Ino looked quite pleased with herself, slurping down some sweet noodles.

The raven-haired kunoichi glanced around, rather bored now, she thought, since her _playmate_ Lee had run off with another woman.

Her eyes narrowed and rested on Ino—eating like there's no tomorrow.

"That's gonna go straight to your ass, you know that right?"

Ino's eyes widened as she shot her fellow kunoichi a dirty look, but not before she swallowed her meal a little too quickly. When Ino took a breath in to say some witty comment back to Tenten—she began to choke.

Tenten didn't even notice Ino's unusual silence, because just then, Neji happened to walk by.

Spotting her teammate, Tenten immediately jumped from the seat and followed him, leaving Ino to cough her head off.

"Neji!" Tenten hollered.

"Hm?" Neji stopped, allowing her to catch up.

Neji watched as his teammate paused in front of him, catching her breath. The Hyuuga eyed her form carefully.

Tenten looked up at him and grinned, "Hi."

Neji crossed his arms, pretending to look up at the buildings and sky with interest.

"Lee's not around?" Neji said in a low voice.

Tenten's mind began to wander as she glanced at Neji's chest.

"Nope," She replied, perking up a bit. "Maybe scrawny and pale isn't so bad after all…" She thought.

"Want to… 'spar'?" Neji began slowly.

"Just you and me?" Tenten said, grinning playfully.

Neji nodded with a smirk.

"Let's get going then!"

~*~

Shino was rounding the corner as he heard some odd commotion.

He walked a few steps further to see a certain blonde kunoichi doubled over on the ground, choking and coughing loudly.

"Somebody help her, she's dying!" were the panicked calls of a few bystanders.

Shino paused, thinking for a moment before going into action. He rushed over to Ino, helping her up into a sitting position.

Ino blinked at the stranger. "Please help me." She thought, "Please help me, please help me…oh god no. NO no NO! SHINO!"

Shino began releasing bugs from his body, and Ino began scooting away from him furiously.

He had to grasp her arms and basically sit on top of her—just long enough for the kindly bugs to do their _work_.

A high pitch squeal erupted that the entire village could hear the very moment that Shino's bugs dislodged the food from Ino's throat. And she didn't _stop_ screaming until all of them were safely back into Shino's body.

Shino watched Ino gasp for breath before her breathing slowed and she began to calm down slightly.

Ino blinked and tried to get up, but Shino was still on top of her.

"Sorry." He quickly said, getting up.

The blonde dusted herself off and stared at his eyes. It felt strange to actually see them.

Then it hit her. "Y-you saved me." Ino said before turning her head slightly and sticking out her tongue, a shiver running through her.

"You seem very pale." Shino said plainly. "I shall walk you home."

"Huh? But I…"

Ino watched as the bug-filled genin offered his arm to her.

"I uh…" Ino mumbled in consideration, "I guess I do feel a little dizzy."

And so, Ino locked arms with Shino and let him take her home.

~*~

_The Next Day: DAY 2_

"KABUTO!" An angry voice boomed throughout the dank lair.

"Yes, Orochimaru-sama." Kabuto answered, rushing to the Sannin's side.

"Where is Sasuke? The Sound four are taking far too long!" Orochimaru growled as blood dribbled from his bandaged arms down onto the bed where he lay.

"Perhaps they were intercepted," Kabuto pushed up his glasses, "Or they…defected."

"Impossible!" Orochimaru grunted angrily.

"Should I send out Kimimaro?"

"AH!" Orochimaru yelled out in pain, "Do it!"

"Kimimaro will be glad to hear it." Kabuto smirked, before heading to the room where-in was the fifth member of the Sound Four.

~*~

_DAY 3_

Tsunade re-read over the report that she had just been handed that morning. She glanced back at the words making sure she had not misread it. She then glanced up at those who had just brought her the report.

In front of her stood two female ANBU—their faces unreadable behind their animal masks. But, Tsunade could clearly see them fidgeting in a somewhat nervous manner and staring at the ceiling as though it had suddenly become very interesting.

Tsunade looked quite perplexed.

"ANBU! At attention!" She suddenly addressed.

"Hokage-sama?" They asked innocently.

"Is this true?" Tsunade asked them, holding up the papers, "It says here that you managed to find and kill four male Sound ninja?"

"Well, actually it _was_ three—except for this one guy that was actually a two-in-one and—" One of the ANBU began before she was cut-off.

"But, why doesn't the report say HOW you killed them?" The Hokage asked.

The two ANBU paused and turned to look at each other before looking back at the Hokage.

"W-well…we don't really _know_ how they died…" One began.

"They just sort of… _did_." The other finished, both of them shrugging their shoulders.

Tsunade stared at them, raising an eyebrow. At that moment, Shizune opened the door to Tsunade's office and walked in.

"Ah, Shizune! Do you have the autopsy report on the Sound shinobi?"

Shizune blinked, "Er…y-yes, Hokage-sama."

"Well," Tsunade clapped her hands together in anticipation, "What was the cause of death?"

Shizune paused for a second, staring at the two ANBU.

"…erotic asphyxiation."

There was a long pause.

Tsunade slowly blinked, letting that sink in. "Uh…huh."

"Moving along," Tsunade said, quickly changing the line of discussion, "it says that 2 unidentified persons escaped?"

"Y-yes, Hokage-sama!" One of the ANBU replied quickly, "We found a woman with red-ish hair and a man dressed in black with an orange mask."

"A woman with red-ish hair had _no clothes on_ …according to _this_ report." Tsunade said, re-reading a paragraph or two.

"Yes, she was completely naked." The ANBU continued.

"But we did find her clothes nearby which identified her as from the Sound." The other ANBU interjected. "We don't know where the guy was from though."

Tsunade tapped her fingers on the table in thought for a few moments.

"Gather together a few of yourselves into squads and go looking for the two." Tsunade stated, "It shouldn't be _that_ hard to track down a stark naked woman on the run and a man in a neon-orange mask."

~*~

_DAY 4_

Either the ANBU had really slacked off, or Tayuya was _really_ good at hiding—because neither she nor Tobi had been found.

Kakashi had not even stepped _outside_ since Shizune had washed off his painted mask, but at the request of the Hokage he was asked to aid in the hunt for the intruders.

The Copy-nin stood at the exit of the village, looking around to see if there were any signs that the unidentified shinobi had already left.

Finding nothing, he prepared to summon his dogs.

" _Kuchiyose no Jutsu_!" Kakashi yelled, putting his hand to the ground.

A large puff of smoke appeared, but when it cleared—

"Pakkun!" Kakashi exclaimed. He sweat-dropped as he looked at the Ninken.

Pakkun was currently _attached_ to another one of the dogs—that happened to be a female. In fact, most of the dogs were _very_ busy. There was much howling and gnashing of teeth going on.

Kakashi crossed his arms, looking down on them.

"Don't make me use my wide array of Water Jutsu on you all!" Kakashi said in a somewhat threatening manner.

"Sorry, Kakashi," Pakkun groaned, "But I'm a bit stuck. Can't you give us a moment, here?"

"I… suppose." Kakashi said, turning around and whipping out the new red _Icha Icha_ book that he had picked up at the adult book store—to read in order to pass the time.

"By the way, Kakashi," Pakkun commented, "What happened to your shirt?"

~*~

"Mate." Shikamaru said plainly as he sat another piece on the shogi board.

He waited, staring at the game for a few moments before standing up and moving to sitting across from where he was.

"Hn." He mumbled in deep thought, analyzing the move he had just made against himself.

A bunch of hurried footsteps interrupted his train of thought.

Shikamaru looked over just in time to see a nude woman run past.

He blinked, staring out in the same direction.

"Did I fall asleep?" Shikamaru asked himself, poking at his cheek.

~*~

_DAY 5_

It was nightfall, and Kimimaro was making his way through the woods that were not that far off from Konoha itself. His face held a vacant expression that was vaguely displeased. He was _very_ disappointed in the Sound Four and their failure to show up on time with Sasuke.

Suddenly, as Kimimaro walked down the path, a shadowy figure darted across the way ahead of him.

With his quick reflexes he managed to jump in front of them, cutting the person off from the bushes.

Kimimaro's eyes took in the curves of the figure halted a few feet in front of him—highlighted by the moonlight.

It was Tayuya. And she was still naked.

The white-haired Sound shinobi stared at her legs, before letting his eyes linger at her breasts, and then gazing into her aggressive eyes.

Kimimaro paused.

"I'm afraid I'll have to bone you." He finally said.

"…" Tayuya blinked then replied slyly, "Really?"

"Oh," Kimimaro said, pulling out one of his bones into a sharp spear, "I think you misunderstand me…I'm going to kill you."

She frowned. "Well, shit."

~*~

_DAY 6_

Kakashi was walking around, waiting for his dogs to report back to him with any information when a small girl walked up to him and pointed at his face.

"The ugly! It burns!" She wailed before running off.

Kakashi scratched his head in thought. "Does it really look that bad?"

Since he couldn't have his mask, couldn't have his face paint, couldn't and wouldn't want to get something as permanent as a tattoo, he did the only thing left to cover his face that he could think of:

Over a week ago, he stopped shaving and just let the hair on his face grow and grow.

~*~

_DAY 7_

It was the end of the first week of the second month of Tsunade's three month plan. It was the end of an entire week of the male ninjas of Konoha being forced to run around without their shirts on. And it was time, once again for some major tests, and some major changes. But first, the Hokage had a scheduled appointment of a different kind to attend to:

Tsunade looked up from her desk as the three Sand shinobi filed into her office.

"Temari, Kankuro, Gaara," The Hokage addressed them, "This letter was received today by hawk from your village."

Tsunade handed the scroll out, which was taken by Temari and unfurled.

The blonde, Sand kunoichi brought the message over to Gaara and Kankuro where they could read along with her:

"To: Gaara, Temari, and Kankuro:

This message is to inform you of some important decisions made by the council while you have been gone.

1) We have seen the plan that the Hokage has implemented to shore up her people's numbers and we applaud her great wisdom.

2) We think it's such a great idea that we have begun similar measures here at home.

3) Temari, we wish you pregnancy and many healthy children.

4) Gaara, Kankuro, please bring back some wives bursting with children.

With this, we can help restore the Sand Village to its former glory.

I wish you three luck,

—Baki"

~*~

After the Sand Siblings had left—befuzzled looks upon their faces, Shizune walked in.

"Shizune!" Tsunade called out to her assistant, "How goes the testing this morning?"

"Well, Hokage-sama," Shizune began, reading over the report, "Once again, we've got several medical-nin's from the Hyuuga clan checking over each woman to see if they are with child."

"Do we have any percentages yet?" Tsunade asked with great interest.

Shizune showed off a nervous smile, "T-twenty…percent."

"Only TWENTY?" The Hokage exclaimed.

"Well, not everyone's reported in yet…At least it's better than three percent…"

Tsunade sighed, "Call a meeting. ALL the nin—male AND female. In my office. NOW."

~*~

About an hour later, all the Konoha shinobi found themselves squished all together in the Hokage's office. Many of them had not seen each other in quite awhile. Kakashi was getting some odd stares, but not as many as Gai—somebody had finally managed to get him into some clothing, though unfortunately it was a thong.

Asuma and Kurenai were locked arm in arm.

Hinata was carefully watching Naruto.

Sasuke was mysteriously absent.

Neji's hair somehow got filled with beads and other trinkets once again.

Iruka was looking worse for wear. He lost his hair-tie, among other things, and now his locks fell all around his face.

Anko smiled at him, winking—she knew where he was now.

Shikamaru was relating the tale of the nude woman he saw in a 'dream' to Chouji. Chouji nearly dropped his chips.

And Sakura looked at Lee a _little_ more fondly.

"You know the drill by now," Tsunade announced, "I'm sure you girls haven't forgotten. For the men—who weren't told for the sake of surprise—starting tomorrow, no woman can wear modest clothing. You girls get a choice between a covering of completely see-through fish net, bikini tops and bottoms or even just going about your business in your underpants—your choice."

There was a rise of excited voices among the men but even that was eclipsed by non-other than Jiraiya's loud whistling.

"Take it off!" Jiraiya yelled at Tsunade.

Tsunade narrowed her eyes.

"What about you, Hokage-sama?" Aoba asked.

Tsunade laughed, "All ladies over 50 are exempt. Nobody wants to see that."

"I DO!" Jiraiya pouted.

Tsunade shot Jiraiya a dirty look for a moment.

"Moving along," She said, "Since this process isn't going as fast as I'd like, I'm also adding a few 'BONUS' measures—I guess you could call them."

There were some nervous gulps among the nin in the audience.

"First off, let me remind you that just because the week is over, it doesn't mean that the men get to put their shirts back on. That is STILL in effect." Tsunade began.

"Secondly, the wall in the bathhouse separating the men and women's sections will be taken down."

"YAY!" Jiraiya squealed.

"And, finally, free sake will be available every night this week, plus I'm temporarily stripping away the drinking age. Now any shinobi or kunoichi, genin or above that is able to present their Leaf-Headband at the bars may have as much alcohol as they can drink."

"YOSH!" Lee exclaimed in excitement, thrusting his fists into the air.

"Whoo! Hoo! Alcohol!" Kiba yelled, elbowing the nearby Shino with excitement. Shino remained emotionless.

Gai, Neji, and Tenten simultaneously gulped as they watched Lee bounce around.

This wouldn't end well.


	26. Akatsuki Interlude

**T** he air was tense.

"Do you ever think he's coming back?"

Itachi blinked, looking up and behind him from the couch he was currently sitting on. He stared at Kisame who was draping his arms over the back of the couch to the right of the Uchiha.

"What, Kisame?" Itachi asked blandly.

"Do you ever think he's coming back?" The fishy-man repeated.

"Who?"

"That weird guy, you know—the one that said he would go to Konoha and get my sword." Kisame grumbled, "It's been a whole week."

"…" Itachi was silent with disinterest.

"Are you even listening?" Kisame prodded.

The Uchiha narrowed his eyes. "I am trying to read a book, Kisame."

"Oh." Kisame said, finally noticing the book in his Akatsuki partner's lap, "What is it?"

Itachi shifted toward Kisame and held up the book where he could see it better.

"Zetsu found it in the woods yesterday," Itachi said, showing Kisame the cover, "It's called _Icha Icha Paradise_."

~*~

> Distractions

~*~

_Flashback, 2 nights ago_

Tayuya stared at Kimimaro as he readied the sharp spear-like bone—taking a step toward her.

She jumped back, offering up the only object she had with her as a weapon—a small orange book.

"Why the hell was _this_ the only thing I managed to hold onto?" Tayuya cursed to herself, "I could have picked something better!"

At that, the Sound Kunoichi hurled the book at Kimimaro's head, which hit him square on the forehead, making a sound SMACK before falling to the ground with a light _thud_.

Kimimaro blinked, surprised at his failure to dodge the object.

"Heh," Tayuya smirked. "Perhaps he _is_ distracted by my body after all!" she said, taking advantage of Kimimaro's moment of disorientation to make her escape.

Kimimaro shook his head. "…must… focus!"

He watched as Tayuya ran from him—in a direction directly opposite from Konoha. As he was about to make haste and go after her, she yelled back—

"…if you chase after me, you'll waste Orochimaru's precious time. You should go find Sasuke while he is still in the village!"

~*~

_Back to the present_

"So…Itachi…"

"No. We are not going back to Konoha to get your sword."

There was a long pause.

"Hey, I hear we are about to get a message from the Leader, yeah." Deidara suddenly announced as he and Sasori entered the room.

"Hn." Itachi commented.

Right on cue the shady, shadowy projection of the Akatsuki Leader appeared in the room.

In a deep mysterious voice the Leader spoke:

"I have news of a grand opportunity that must not be wasted. Itachi, Kisame listen up; I have a mission for you. The Nine-Tails is once again within our grasp. Konoha's defenses are currently low, and their shinobi: sexually distracted…"

"Sexually?" Deidara asked inquisitively—making an odd face.

Sasori raised an eyebrow as the message filled them in on the odd happenings in Konoha.

"…and so now, Kisame, Itachi," the message continued, "You must go to Konoha and attempt to capture the fox. For this mission, you will need to blend in—do not wear your cloaks or forehead protectors for this. According to our sources, the men must go topless…"

At that, Kisame made a face of utter disgust.

Deidara smirked at Kisame's expression, amused at his discomfort.

"Ha," the blonde laughed, " _Hidan_ should have been sent on this mission. He _LIKES_ to run around half-naked."

"…good hunting." The Leader finished.

After the message ended, Kisame sat down on the couch next to Itachi, and Sasori got up and left to go play with his puppets.

"We're going to Konoha!" Kisame exclaimed to Itachi.

"Hmph." Itachi replied.

"Why don't _I_ get to go on the fun mission, yeah," Deidara mused, "Just think of all the kunoichi, yeah, all the sex!"

Kisame blinked before forming a wide grin.

"You don't _need_ any sex, Deidara." The blue man said, "You get _plenty_. What, with those _mouths_ in your hands and all."

"…" Deidara narrowed his eye at Kisame.

The blonde crossed his arms, "What are you insinuating?"

"I'm insinuating, Dei _dara_ , that you like to lock yourself in your room at night and—"

"Kisame!" Itachi interrupted.

"…" Kisame blinked.

"I do not wish to hear any of your theories on the sexual practices of other Akatsuki members." Itachi said sternly to the shark man.

"S-sorry, Itachi."

"Let's go prepare for the mission." Itachi said, rising from his seat.

As Kisame headed outside, Itachi walked over to Deidara.

"What, un?" Deidara asked curtly.

"Here," the Uchiha said, handing the blonde a book, "You may hold on to this until I get back."

"Hn?" Deidara questioned, flipping through the book.

"Mmm!" Deidara hummed with growing interest as he came across some very _interesting_ illustrations, "Now THAT is some great ART!"

~*~

Tayuya ran through the woods for 2 days straight. She figured she was getting close to the outskirts of another village or town, but she did not realize how close she was.

She suddenly came upon a clearing. It was a vast open hot spring. Warm steam rose up from the water, tickling her bare skin. Not immediately seeing anyone, she noticed a piece of clothing hanging from a nearby tree.

Feeling very cold from her state of undress, she picked up the large flowing cloak to examine it. It was black.

"Are those red roses on the side? No, they're clouds!" She said to herself.

Hearing a sudden splash, she turned—the cloak only halfway on one shoulder.

"…the Hell?" came the angry voice of a man who had just jumped out from the water to see Tayuya with his clothes.

"Shit!" Tayuya cursed at being caught.

" _Fuck!_ " The white haired man said in a surprised, yet almost pleased manner, when he noticed that the woman stealing his cloak was quite, quite naked.

" _Damn_!" Tayuya said, staring at this hot nude man's _assets_.

There was a long silence as Tayuya and Hidan 'took in the view.'

Then, Hidan smirked, pulling a grinning Tayuya into the hot springs—she, nearly jumping on him while simultaneously tossing the cloak back onto the tree.

"I'll have to sacrifice a _hundred_ heathens to Jashin-sama after this…" Hidan thought as he pressed his mouth onto her soft lips.

Several hours later Hidan thought he heard his Akatsuki partner Kakuzu yelling his name through the countryside wondering where "his stupid ass" was.

"This stupid ass," Hidan thought, was having far, _far_ too much fun to bother answering him.

~*~

"How much farther is it?" Sasuke said, turning his head to look back at his home that was quickly disappearing off into the distance as trees and leaves zoomed past him.

"Be silent." Kimimaro stated, tightening his grasp around Sasuke's legs.

The Uchiha grunted, crossing his arms. He really wished this guy had not fetched him so quickly. So many women to impregnate, so little time—now there _wasn't_ any more time.

Sasuke starred at the back of the Sound-nin's head. "Is it _really_ necessary that I ride on your back?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because it is faster this way."

Sasuke snorted, shooting Kimimaro a skeptical look.

The Uchiha opened his mouth to say something else when suddenly he was thrown forward and into the air as Kimimaro unexpectedly hit the ground.

After a few moments, Sasuke managed to pull his face up and out of the dirt.

"What the hell?" Sasuke exclaimed in confusion as he went over and bent down to examine the unmoving and very, _very_ dead body of the Sound ninja—a shinobi who fortunately or unfortunately for Sasuke, had been suffering from a terminal illness.

The Uchiha slowly stood up to observe his surroundings. Trees, trees… and oh, what a surprise—even _more_ trees. Sasuke could not longer see the Leaf Village, and he certainly did not see the Sound Village anywhere. He was effectively in the middle of nowhere.

Sasuke's eyebrow twitched as he stared down at Kimimaro.

"Why did you have to go and crap-out on me like that!"

~*~

Kisame stood outside waiting for Itachi. As per the Leader's orders, he left his cloak and head-thingy and was currently wearing only a pair of dark pants.

Itachi finally walked up in a similar state of undress.

"Ready to go?" Kisame asked.

Itachi blinked and stared at Kisame's chest.

Kisame raised an eyebrow, "What is it?"

"We are meant to be inconspicuous." Itachi stated flatly.

Kisame blinked.

"You are blue."

"..." Kisame glanced down at himself. "Oh."

"What should I do?" the blue man asked.

Itachi thought for a moment.

"Use the transformation technique. Disguise yourself."

"Hn." Kisame nodded, making some hand signs, " _Henge no Jutsu_!"

POOF!

Itachi blinked as the smoke cleared revealing—

"Dei _dara_?" Itachi stated in mild surprise, as he stared at Kisame's now long, blonde hair and slimmer, no-longer-blue body.

"Why did you henge into _Deidara_?" Itachi questioned.

Kisame/Deidara shrugged his shoulders, "He's a guy."

Itachi stared at his Akatsuki partner.

"Barely."

~*~

Meanwhile, Tsunade had just finished her talk with all the male and female shinobi of Konoha and was about to dismiss them when suddenly—

"Hey, who's that?" a random jounin pointed out.

From the very back of the room, hidden among the crowd, stood a strange, fully clothed man wearing an orange, swirly mask.

"Hello!" Tobi waved happily.

Apparently, when the message was broadcast throughout the entire village for _all_ shinobi in the area to come to the meeting, Tobi had thought he was supposed to come as well.

"GET 'IM!" ordered several jounin.

"Tobi is a good boy!" he said obliviously as he was dragged away by several ninja.

~*~

"Hello? Hello!" Sasuke called out, walking deeper into the woods.

"Helloooooo!" He yelled again.

The Uchiha paused for a moment before picking a direction and running for several more yards.

"OROCHIMARU!" Sasuke screamed, hoping that he would just randomly stumble upon the Sound village.

After a few more hours of finding nothing, Sasuke scowled and plopped down on the ground.

The genin leaned back and glanced around.

"I don't suppose there are any women around here." Sasuke sighed.


	27. Happy Hour

**S** asuke stood up, puffing out his bare chest—a leg up on the corner of the extra-large bed and his hair blowing softly in the breeze coming from the open window to the side of him.

"Come one, come all, ladies…" Sasuke smirked—a lone large-size forehead protector covering his privates, "…and form an orderly line, it's the 'Revive-the-Uchiha-Clan Orgy'!"

"Wee!" "Yay!" "Woo-hoo," were the excited murmurs of the blonde, the dirty-blonde, the pink-hair, and the two dark-haired buxom beauties in the corner of the room, getting ready to strip off their tiny black negligees.

As Sasuke's wet lips drifted closer and closer to that of the first bouncing babe, a shadowy figure appeared in the window.

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Sasuke."

Sasuke whipped his head around behind him, eyes widening.

"ITACHI?"

The Akatsuki's robe fluttered in the wind in a dramatic pose, one hand holding onto the side of the window and one foot inside the room.

Suddenly, Itachi's oversized kunai thrust forth from the sleeve of his cloak, its perfectly sharpened point glistening in the moonlight.

The elder Uchiha jumped toward Sasuke, brandishing the kunai in front of him.

"It's neutering time," Itachi grinned evilly.

Sasuke's mouth wobbled helplessly as Itachi pushed him to the wall and coldly undid the bandana around his little brother's waist, the metal of the leaf symbol making a ' _plink'_ as it fell to the floor in slow motion.

Itachi swung the blade—blobs of red spritzing into the air as it connected with Sasuke's—

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Sasuke screamed, bolting up…to find himself sitting… under a tree?

The Uchiha gasped for breath, grasping his chest and glancing at the empty forest around him.

"It was just a dream…" Sasuke said croakily, groping himself to make sure he was still all there.

~*~

> Amongst other things

~*~

Just as Sasuke was about to breathe a sigh of relief, he nearly screamed again when a figure suddenly jumped from nowhere right at his feet.

"So…" The figure said with a grin, adjusting his glasses, "There you are."

Sasuke blinked.

"Kabuto…"

~*~

"Well, despite the interruption," Tsunade announced, "You are all dismissed."

With that, everyone made their way to the exit.

"Naruto?"

"Oh, hey, Hinata!" Naruto grinned, putting his arms behind his head in a stretch.

"I brought your—"

"Oh! My pants!" Naruto said excitedly, noticing the orange bundle she clutched to her chest.

"S-sorry I didn't get them to you sooner," Hinata looked off to the side, blushing, "My father wouldn't let me out of his sight this week."

Naruto blinked.

"I…washed them for you." Hinata offered, handing the pants out towards him.

"Wow, thanks! It was getting to be that time of year." Naruto laughed.

"You mean you haven't…" Hinata blinked, still holding the orange pants, "…not for a whole…"

"Heeheeee."

Suddenly Hinata was overcome with a strong urge.

"What's that over there?" Hinata pointed.

"Wha?"

While Naruto was not looking, Hinata spun around and immediately pressed her face into the pants, taking the opportunity to breathe in deeply the smell of her sweet, _sweet_ Naruto one last time before she was parted from the orange garment.

When she finally looked back up, the scatter-brain had run over to chat with Sakura—though technically it was her fault for happening to point in that direction anyway.

"Hey, Sakura!" Naruto exclaimed, "Long time no see!"

The pink-haired kunoichi glared at him skeptically, "What do you want, Naruto?"

"Uh…" Naruto scrunched up his face in thought, "…you?"

"NA-RU-TO!" Sakura threatened in a raised voice.

"Heh…" Naruto laughed nervously and backed away.

Sakura sighed.

"Naruto…" she began in a slightly more pleasant tone.

"Hmm?"

"Have you seen Sasuke around?" Sakura asked, clasping her hands together, hoping that Naruto had seen him somewhere.

"N-no." Naruto was surprised by the question. He had not seen or thought about Sasuke in a long while.

On the way out, Naruto picked up his pants from Hinata and thanked her with a hug.

Hinata vowed to never wash herself again.

And as they all left, there were a few scattered elated cries declaring:

"Party at the tavern tomorrow night!"

~*~

_A couple hours later_

"Shizune, send in the next one…"

"Yes, Hokage-sama."

Tsunade sighed as one woman left and another came into her office—an ANBU this time. She was having some preliminary meetings with the various kunoichi of the village who had recently found out they were _with child_ —just to fill out paper work and to simply try to keep track of everyone.

"Hello, how are you today?" Tsunade began, scribbling lightly at a piece of paper.

"Fine, fine."

"Today we are just going to be filling out some simple information," the Hokage said with a smile, "like your name, and who the father of your child is…"

"Um…" the ANBU interrupted—a bead of sweat pouring down her face.

"Yes?"

"I don't know who the father is…" she smiled nervously, "… _exactly_."

Tsunade blinked.

"Um, _okay_ ," the Hokage continued. "Could you narrow it down a bit, maybe even a list of names would be—"

"I didn't know all of their names," the ANBU replied before saying with some enthusiasm, "I could tell you their different hair colors, though!"

Tsunade sighed heavily.

But, by the end of the day and 57 ANBU women later, Tsunade was about ready to pound her head into the desk.

"How could, how could none of them, Shizune, NOT ONE of them," the Hokage exclaimed, "have any clue who the father of their babies are?"

"I-I don't know ma'am…"

"Some gave me a _list_ of names, but _still_ …"

"You _did_ encourage somewhat of a 'mating frenzy,' Hokage-sama."

"But I **did not** encourage an **_orgy_**!" Tsunade yelled.

There was a pause.

"I specifically said 'no orgies' and do you know why? Because everyone would have _so_ much sex that no one would have any clue who the father of their baby is, or what clan he's from! Think of the probable clan disputes, Shizune, the utter chaos! It could take years to sort this all out! This is what I wanted to avoid…"

Shizune frowned.

"At least I can count on you, Shizune." Tsunade sighed, "Surely you know the father of _your_ own child."

"Well, _actually_ …" Shizune fidgeted slightly.

"Oh, Shizune, not you too!"

~*~

"Tobi's a good boy!"

"We can't seem to find anything on him," one jounin whispered, "no weapons, nothing to indicate his village of origin…"

The other jounin eyed the orange masked ninja skeptically, "Are we _sure_ that's one of the intruders that the ANBU reported seeing?"

"Yup, that's him alright," Pakkun reported with a sniff. "He's the same smell that we had been trailing."

"Hmm, so what do we do with him, then?" Kakashi pondered aloud.

The other jounin glanced back at Tobi who was humming happily, dangling his legs from the table that he was currently seated upon.

"Doesn't seem very threatening does he?"

"Nope."

"Not really," Kakashi began taking several steps towards their prisoner. "But, that still doesn't excuse his intrusion."

The others watched as Kakashi grabbed Tobi from behind his neck and slung the man over his shoulder.

"Weee!" Tobi exclaimed like he was going for a ride.

"I know just what to do," Kakashi said to the other two jounin. "I'll take care of it."

~*~

"OMPH!" Tobi cried out as he was hurled several feet outside of Konoha's main gates—his butt connecting heavily with the ground.

Tobi looked back at Kakashi who was waving from just inside the entrance.

"Bye Bye!"

"But Tobi's a good boy!" Tobi said, standing up.

"You know," Kakashi said, rubbing his chin, "you seem oddly familiar for some reason."

"Tobi's a good boy!" Tobi began again before suddenly pausing, "No wait—Tobi's a _naughty_ boy! Tayuya said Tobi's a naughty, _naughty_ boy!"

"Uh huh." Kakashi said raising an eyebrow.

Tobi scratched his head.

"Go on, then!" the Copy-nin called out, "Leave and don't come back! You're lucky we don't lock you up forever or something!"

"Yay!" Tobi exclaimed, running off to who knows where—probably to find and annoy the hell out of Zetsu some more.

~*~

It was nightfall before Sasuke and Kabuto finally arrived at Orochimaru's place.

"Sasuke," Orochimaru hissed, "Glad you could finally join us."

"Let's skip the pleasantries and get straight to the part where you train me and I get loads of power." Sasuke demanded.

"In time, Sasuke." Orochimaru replied, gesturing for Sasuke to go down the hall.

"Kabuto," Orochimaru said with displeasure, "You were too slow; I had to switch to another body before Sasuke could get here."

"I apologize for the wait, Orochimaru-sama."

~*~

"Here, Sasuke," Kabuto pointed, "This room here."

As the three entered, Sasuke noticed several empty jail-like cells along the wall. The one on the very end had a single occupant.

"Oh my, he's even more _beautiful_ than I imagined."

Sasuke blinked, turning his head to look at the source of the voice. The person inside had the most _horrific_ shade of hot-pink/neon red-ish hair that he had ever seen.

"What is THAT?" Sasuke asked, turning to Orochimaru.

"Oh, that's Karin," Orochimaru replied as Karin adjusted her black-rimmed glasses.

"Sasuke! I love you!" She said, grasping the bars tightly.

The Uchiha took a few steps back, "What's the meaning of this?"

Orochimaru cleared his throat and began, "Well, you see _Sasuke_ , our time training together is going to be very rigorous."

Sasuke nodded.

"What am I to do if you were to damage or loose your eyes?" Orochimaru continued, "Your bloodline would be lost to me forever. Therefore, before we train, I must take precautions in case you have…a little _accident_."

The Uchiha blinked, "So… who is she?"

"Your _breeding_ partner."

"…" Sasuke twitched.

"I want your babies, Sasuke!" Karin squealed.

~*~

That night, many of the kunoichi of Konoha contemplated their wardrobe for the 'morrow. What did they _have_ , what would they _chose_ , and what did they look _best_ in?

Oh, what _things_ would the morning bring?

~*~

Standing in the _exact_ spot where Tobi found himself standing hours earlier stood two half-naked men in the glowing light of the sunny morning, staring at the gates of Konoha.

"Itachi, are you sure you don't need a disguise?" Kisame asked, casually blowing at the blonde locks of hair that covered his current handsome face—the face of Deidara.

"Kisame," Itachi said plainly, walking with his Akatsuki partner towards the gate, "If anyone recognizes me I will simply trap them in an illusion before they can draw any unwanted attention."

"Oh yeah…" Kisame replied, a gust of air blowing his yellow hair all around.

"…" Itachi blinked slowly, "I think we should split up for a short time in order to survey the situation. Don't draw unnecessary attention to yourself."

And with that, the Uchiha picked a direction and walked off.

~*~

Moments after splitting from Kisame, Itachi began to notice a large number of women were walking around the village without much… _on_.

Itachi blinked as another kunoichi walked past him. The Uchiha unconsciously watched with his fiery red eyes—it made all the women look like they were moving in slow motion.

"What is this feeling?"

He asked himself, as her breasts slowly bounced with her walk—contained only within a thin strap of material—her nipples looked like they could burst forth at any moment.

Itachi felt himself observing all of this woman's curves and crevasses, let loose on the world to see—with only a tiny bikini bottom hiding all the interesting bits.

"What is this feeling?"

Again with the questions. And another one of them was heading right for him. This one creatively wearing her headband around her boobs—a boob-protector, I guess you could call it. Itachi noticed she wasn't wearing any real pants, just a 'skirt' of fish-net material which didn't leave much to the _imagination_.

"This…"

They shot him a few 'shy' glances, wily looks, playful grins, and sly smiles. He could feel their eyes on his body, while he stared at the one standing—just over there—the one with the shapely legs.

"This…foreign _urge_."

That can't possible count as a shirt can it? That… that… Itachi blinked. The woman sitting over there at that restaurant… Her 'shirt' was just a piece of fish-net, and Itachi could see _everything_ —every little _detail_ of her curved, soft—

"This…foreign urge. I feel the need to…"

~*~

Kisame/Deidara peered down a relatively shady alleyway down back behind some various buildings not far from where he had remembered dropping Samehada, his sword.

"Where could it be?" He pondered.

Kisame's train of thought was interrupted when a figure suddenly dropped down from the roof above him right down in front of him.

"Hello!" the guy said with an oddly creepy smile, "My name is Sai. Want to see my picture book?"

Kisame blinked—a look of utter confusion upon his face.

"What the…?"

"Want to see my picture book?" Sai repeated, holding out some sort of book.

"No." Kisame/Deidara replied, crossing his arms.

Sai blinked, leaning closer as though scrutinizing Kisame.

"Are you a woman?" He suddenly asked.

"No." Kisame said with a snort of laughter.

"Are you sure?" Sai prodded, pointing at Deidara's girly hair.

"Yes." Kisame said with frustration.

There was a pause.

"Can I see your penis?"

"No!" Kisame exclaimed.

Another pause.

"Want to see mine?"

"NO!"

~*~

"Ugh," Kisame grumbled. He was glad to get away from that weirdo.

As he left the alleyway he nearly ran into someone walking in another direction.

"HEY! WATCH WHERE You…"

Ino suddenly stopped yelling as her eyes met that of what looked like a dashing young blonde man whose hair-do made him a near splitting-image of herself.

"Oh wow," Ino said in awe, intoxicated by his beauty. "It's almost like looking in a mirror…"

"Huh." Kisame thought, "This blonde chick kind of reminds me of Deidara…"

Ino's eyes began to glisten all over as she swooned dreamily—at this rate she was going to end up forgetting _all_ about poor ol' Sasuke.

Kisame nearly fell over backwards when she suddenly and unexpectedly shoved her face mere inches away from his.

Kisame glanced down at her, vaguely noting that she was scantily clad—and he could see down her cleavage from where she was standing.

While he was slightly distracted, Ino took a chance and made a bold move.

She grabbed his shoulders and KISSED the mysterious stranger—the image of Deidara that she had become infatuated with at first sight.

It was an understatement to say that Ino was _shocked_ when the man POOFED into a cloud of smoke as her lips connected with his—even more so for when the smoke cleared.

"EEEEEiiiiiiiiiiiiiiYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

The scream was heard around the village.

"Oops." Kisame mumbled as the blonde took off running. He was his blue self again.

"Kisame!"

Kisame looked up as Itachi jumped down beside him.

The Uchiha glared at his Akatsuki partner, "What happened?"

"Uh, it's not that big of a deal," Kisame said. "It's no—"

Kisame stopped abruptly, as he noticed Itachi's face.

"What's that?" The blue man asked, blinking.

Itachi had several red and pink marks on his face that were distinctly lip-shaped.

"Uh…" Kisame began.

"IS THAT HIM?" a loud feminine voice suddenly called out towards the two Akatsuki.

Itachi stood his ground, while instructing Kisame to duck into another alleyway.

The Uchiha watched as the blonde and pink haired kunoichi approached him.

"He was right _here_!" Ino exclaimed to Sakura, "He was _right_ here!"

"I believe you, but—"

Sakura paused, gaping at the dark-haired man.

"Sasuke?"

Itachi glared at them with red eyes.

"More like a _giant_ Sasuke." Ino said, eyeing the man thoughtfully.

"A giant, dare I say, _sexier_ Sasuke?" Sakura began as the two approached—filled with curiosity.

Itachi narrowed his eyes at them with disinterest. After all the huge-breasted women he had seen that day, even with their tiny, tight outfits, these two were nothing.

And he quickly tired of their happy squealing.

" _Mangekyo Sharingan_!" Itachi yelled at them, activating his eyes.

~*~

After a few minutes, Kisame popped his head out from where he had been hiding to find a rather odd sight.

The blonde and the pink-haired girl were collapsed on the ground with their eyes closed, drooling.

Kisame blinked.

"What did you show them?"

Itachi paused before replying.

"The most horrifying illusion I could think up for them, Sasuke participating in various sexual acts with other men: Deidara…Zetsu…Sasori…you…"

Kisame cringed, and looked over at the two sleeping kunoichi.

"But then why are they smiling?" Kisame asked.

~*~

Several hours later, the clock struck 4:00 p.m. and everybody was starting to head to various taverns and bars around Konoha. But most, it seemed, were heading to the especially large tavern that was just a few blocks away from the Ichiraku Ramen place.

Ino and Sakura eventually woke up from what seemed like a long nap, not remembering much of what had happened before.

Noticing the time, they headed off to find the other girls, Tenten and Hinata, hoping that they could have a bit of a 'get-together.'

~*~

"Hinata?" Sakura called out, as she and Ino jumped through Hinata's window.

Hinata awoke, startled.

"Sorry," Ino said.

"What are you doing sleeping this time of day, anyway?" Sakura asked incredulously.

"…" Hinata blinked.

"So," Sakura began.

"Oooo!" Ino suddenly exclaimed, noticing an object on Hinata's dresser, "What's this?"

Hinata gasped at the small orange fox mask that Ino now held in her hand.

"Oh, wow," Sakura said, getting ideas, "it's almost like an ANBU mask!"

"Going around abducting men, have you?" Ino said jokingly with the mask over her face.

Hinata blushed with an embarrassed, yet frustrated look on her face.

"Really, Ino, that's not a bad idea…" Sakura said deviously, "…it's actually quite brilliant!"

"That we should get some masks and go abduct men?"

"NO—that we should get some masks and go abduct _SASUKE_!"

Hinata watched as Ino and Sakura left nearly as quickly as they had appeared—both of them apparently failing to notice the odd pair of legs sticking out from under Hinata's bed.

~*~

Chouji nearly choked on a pretzel when two figures suddenly burst through the window.

"AH-HA!" They both yelled, one with a brown bear mask and the other with a white goat mask.

"Uhhhhh," Chouji shivered with distress.

"CHOUJI?" Ino exclaimed.

"What are _you_ doing in Sasuke's apartment?" Sakura yelled.

"Don't jump to conclusions, Sakura!" Ino yelled, pointing dramatically at Chouji. "It may just be a clever disguise!"

Chouji's eyes went wide as Ino suddenly put her mouth on his, kissing him roughly.

"Uh, Ino?" Sakura questioned, raising an eyebrow.

Chouji nearly fell over once Ino released him. Seeing Sakura's questioning expression, Ino explained.

"Well, it broke the illusion the last time I tried that!"

"Hmmm," Sakura pondered. "Maybe you didn't try hard enough."

Chouji must have thought it was his lucky day when he suddenly found the pink-haired girl on him, kissing him as well.

As Sakura released him, she noticed Chouji grinning widely—his cheeks all red.

"I…guess it really _is_ Chouji."

"But what is he doing HERE?"

"Um…." Chouji mumbled, trying to think up an answer, "…watching educational videos?"

He made a poor attempt at covering what he had been watching on the TV with his hands.

Ino picked up one of the videotape covers.

"Super Nin-jugs presents 'Horizontal no Jutsu XXVII'?"

"It's not mine!" Chouji complained, smiling nervously.

"These are Sasuke's?" Sakura asked in amazement.

"I doubt that…" Ino said, raising an eyebrow, holding up the side of the tape to Sakura where she could see some writing scribbled in ink.

"Property of Kakashi," Sakura scoffed, rolling her eyes. "I should have known."

~*~

_5 p.m._

Sakura and Ino ditched their masks back at their respective homes before heading back and finally meeting up with Hinata and Tenten.

Unlike the other three, Tenten's choice of clothing was white bandage wraps that covered _just_ enough of her chest and another set for her lower region.

There was some commotion outside as they neared the tavern. From a distance they instantly recognized the figures.

"Lee?" Tenten called out.

Outside the entrance were a desperate Gai and Neji holding on to Lee by each arm, _pleading_ with him to not go in.

As the girls neared, it became apparent that Lee somehow slipped from his team's grasp and darted into the tavern.

They could almost _hear_ Gai's frantic yelling.

"LEE!"

"GAI-SENSEI!"

"LEE! NO!"

Inside the tavern, Hinata, Tenten, Ino, and Sakura took a seat at a small four person booth that was right across from the bar where Kiba happened to be sitting.

Tenten glanced over at her teammates with concern.

While Gai tussled with Lee, trying to get the sake away from him, Neji, with a long, exasperated face, took a seat at the bar.

Lee and Gai's antics had driven him to drinking.

In a far corner, having arrived some time ago, the Sand Siblings sat next to the music player that blared a constant low beat of various songs.

After selecting a few mild drinks to taste, Ino and the girls let loose on the gossip.

"…you know," Tenten began, with a devious smile on her face, "they say that 20 to 25 percent of the kunoichi are pregnant…"

Ino gulped down her beverage, her cheeks turning red from its strength, "Yeah, so?"

Hinata fidgeted with her thumbs, while Sakura was otherwise occupied glancing around the tavern, hoping that Sasuke would randomly appear somewhere.

"Well…that's about 1 in 4," Tenten grinned mischievously, "…and there're four of us so—"

"Ha!" Ino laughed, "You don't really think…"

"You know," Sakura suddenly said thoughtfully, her face turning into an amused smile, "I always imagined that if one of us got pregnant, it would be you, Ino-pig."

"WHAT?" Ino yelled—a little too loudly.

Tenten and Sakura giggled. "Yeah, Ino, 'cause we just know you're such a _whore_ ," they said jokingly.

"Umph!" Ino grunted as her eyebrow twitched.

After Tenten and Sakura settled down a bit, Tenten glanced over at Hinata who had yet to even touch her drink.

"What's wrong, Hinata?" Tenten asked with concern, "Are you doing alright?"

"…" Hinata blushed. "I'm…n-not really supposed to…it's not good for…"

Ino, Sakura, and Tenten blinked.

" _You_ …" Ino blinked again.

"No way!" Sakura breathed.

"…huh." Tenten said in realization, a smile slowly forming on her face.

There was a long pause.

"How did THAT happen?" Ino questioned, staring at Sakura.

Sakura narrowed her eyes, "You were the one whose sexual education involved watching porno videos."

"I mean I know _how_ , but that it would be _her_!" Ino exclaimed incredulously, "…out of all of _us_?"

"Well…" Tenten said matter-of-factly, "She _is_ the one with the juicy jugs."

…a fact made painfully obvious to the other girls by the tiny purple bra-like top that the Hyuuga currently sported on her chest.

Hinata turned a deep red before hopping up and wandering off to go find another, hopefully less embarrassing table to sit at.

~*~

_A few sips later_

"So, Ino," Tenten hiccupped, "How many guys have _you_ been with?"

"Huh?" Ino was caught off guard by the question.

"Yeah, Ino," Sakura grinned, her face red with intoxication, "You tell me, I tell you…"

Ino blinked, looking into the eyes of Sakura and Tenten, when she suddenly came to the cold, hard realization:

Sakura…Tenten…Hinata…

Ino frowned as she took in the words of the song that had just started playing in the background.

_…everyone has had more sex than me, whoo-oo-oo…_

_…everyone has had more sex than me, whoo-oo-oo…_

"…" Ino twitched.

Sakura and Tenten blinked.

"That's IT!" Ino exclaimed, pounding her fists on the table and suddenly bolting up from her seat—her eyes scanning the room for some suitable man-meat.

"YOU!" Ino yelled, jumping in front of a table a few rows down that held only a single occupant.

"Take me!" The blonde yelled grasping her breasts and shaking them at him, "TAKE ME NOW!"

"Hn?" Shikamaru questioned, looking up from the puzzle game he was currently toying with. "What is it?"

"I have a NEED." Ino complained, "I'm feeling a NEED, here."

"…" Shikamaru raised an eyebrow.

~*~

Sakura leaned out of the booth where she was sitting to catch a glimpse of Ino yelling odd things at her fellow teammate.

"I really wish I knew where Sasuke was…" Sakura pouted, letting her head fall to the table with a _thud_.

Tenten tapped a finger to a lip, suddenly remembering something.

She glanced over at Neji who was sitting at the bar.

"I think Neji may have been the last one to _see_ Sasuke…" Tenten said.

~*~

Neji turned as a certain pink-haired kunoichi sat in the stool next to him.

"Hi." Sakura greeted, "I wanted to ask you about…"

She paused as her eyes met Neji's—they were a bit glazed over.

"Neji?" Sakura began. He was sniffing the air around her with interest.

"You smell…" the Hyuuga grinned, "…lovely."

Sakura blushed and began to casually twirl at a strand of her pink hair.

~*~

"I can't right now," Shikamaru said, fitting another piece of the cube-like puzzle together.

Ino glared at him like he was crazy.

"Besides, I figured out your little game from the other day," he stated plainly, "playing up to me in an attempt to make Sasuke jealous or some other such mind-game you women play."

The blonde scowled at him.

"Shikamaru! You're so troublesome!" Ino grunted as she stomped off to find someone else to satisfy her.

~*~

For a moment, Ino toyed with the idea of jumping Neji. But, after she spotted him and Sakura at the bar—the pink-haired girl running her hands through his long beautiful hair—she doubted he would be interested.

What Ino didn't see was Tenten, sitting all alone at her booth—eyeing Neji with annoyance.

Tenten was starting to get bored all by herself.

But, when Tenten noticed someone about to walk _right_ by where she was sitting, she came up with a clever way to _relieve_ it.

Naruto blinked when he suddenly felt a hand wound tightly around his wrist.

"Huh?" He said as he turned to look back at Tenten who had just reached out and grabbed him.

"Sit with me?" Tenten pleaded with a friendly smile, her eyes drifting to his orange pants.

"O-oh," Naruto said in surprise, scratching his head with his free arm. "Okay."

~*~

In the background a different song suddenly started playing:

_…I want to knoooooow what loooooove iiiiiis…_

_…I want you to shoooow meeeee…_

Gaara blinked at the pair of breasts that had suddenly been thrust in his face.

Temari and Kankuro, across from their brother, were gaping in shock at the blonde kunoichi who had just—from out of nowhere—pounced upon the red-head's lap.

Well, the pickings were slim, and Ino wasn't exactly thinking straight to begin with.

"Take me!" Ino begged, wriggling enthusiastically.


	28. Dreams Do Come True

**T** he door of the cell clanged shut as Sasuke was led—rather forcefully—inside to join Karin. Sasuke frowned as Kabuto locked the door shut and Orochimaru smiled at him.

Karin immediately latched herself onto Sasuke's arm.

"…" Sasuke twitched slightly.

"Have fun, Sasuke," Orochimaru said, grinning evilly to himself as he exited the room.

Kabuto lingered, giving Sasuke a few parting words of advice.

"…and when you two are through _copulating_ , you may ring that bell over there to let us know so that I can come let you out. Oh, and I almost forgot, here's a change of clothes," Kabuto said, setting a Sound-style outfit on a small chair within reach through the cell bars, "…since she is _likely_ to tear off the ones you are _wearing_ …"

Sasuke gulped as the red-head tightened her grip on his arm.

~*~

> What dreams may come

~*~

Ino stopped bouncing momentarily, noticing Gaara's confused look.

"What do you think you are doing?" Temari questioned from across the table.

"I'm TRYING to get _laid_!" Ino slurred back.

Temari gawked at the blonde, but Kankuro simply grinned, nudging his sister.

"What's the big deal Temari?" Kankuro hiccupped, taking another large sip from his drink, "Gaara probably could probably use some _lovin'_."

"Kankuro!" Temari scolded.

"What?" Kankuro blinked. "Anyway, don't forget about that _letter_ from our village… _You're_ supposed to get pregnant, and me and _Gaara_ are supposed to knock-up a few chicks. I see no problem here—"

Kankuro stopped suddenly. Temari froze. They had been too busy yapping at each other to notice that Ino had taken the whole bottle of sake from the middle of the table and was currently pouring it down Gaara's throat. Gaara seemed rather pleased at this since his siblings had not allowed him to drink any previously. But… there was a _very_ important _reason_ for that.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Temari and Kankuro watched on in terror as Gaara swallowed every drop, blinking slowly and heavily—Ino still sitting on his lap, straddling him in the booth.

"Huh?" Ino asked, looking back, setting the empty sake bottle back on the table. "What?"

Ino turned her head to look back at Gaara just in time to see him give a _creepy_ , yet sleepy smile before he closed his eyes and passed out, falling sideways onto the booth with a _thud_ and a slight bounce.

Ino blinked, standing up.

"He's OUT, Temari, he's OUT." Kankuro exclaimed in a panic, grasping at the sides of his head with his hands and pulling at his hair.

"Oh shit, Kankuro, oh SHIT." Temari, breathing slowly, said almost in a whisper.

"Huh?" Ino shrugged, not quite grasping the severity of the situation.

"Gaara doesn't sleep! He's not supposed to! He'll…" Temari muttered.

"You!" Kankuro pointed at Ino, "Why'd you have to jump _him_ , why couldn't you have jumped _me_ instead?"

"Well…" Ino said, putting her hand on her hip while looking over Gaara's brother, "You're a bit ugly… Plus your _nipples_ are funny looking."

"My _nipples_?" Kankuro asked in confusion, looking at his chest, "What's wrong with my nipples?"

**"Grrr Hur hur hur kukuku!"**

The group was suddenly interrupted by a howling laugh and the sound of shifting sand.

_'Gaara'_ stirred, popping up from his seat with a rather wild look

"Shukaku!" gasped Temari and Kankuro.

The sand shifted and moved over Gaara's sleeping form until he suddenly sported a small tanuki tail from his butt.

**"RAAarrrr!"**

The demon growled almost playfully, pouncing upon Ino and sending her and Gaara to the floor.

Gaara's head wobbled from side to side woozily as Ino looked up at him curiously.

**"HIC. HIC. Rarr…"**

Gaara's form straddled Ino, pinning her to the ground—Shukaku's tail swishing behind.

"I think he's drunk!" Temari exclaimed.

~*~

Meanwhile, the other patrons of the tavern gave little notice to the scene that was developing over in the corner with the Sand Siblings. Most were too blind drunk to _see_ —much less _care_ …

Over in a booth near the back, Izumo and Kotetsu were drinking with each other when a certain kunoichi walked up.

"Anko?" Their eyes went wide—she was wearing her usual see-through outfit, but WITHOUT the concealing jacket.

"Hello, boys," Anko addressed with a sly grin.

The two males didn't even realize they had started drooling.

As she sat down with them, both men found themselves simultaneously crossing their legs under the table.

She wasted no time getting straight to the _point_.

"May I interest you in a…threesome?" Anko smirked.

"Pinch me, Kotetsu," Izumo gaped, shaking Kotetsu's shoulders, "Is this really happening?"

Anko laughed.

"…I don't know if I'm really comfortable with seeing him naked," Kotetsu said, pointing at Izumo.

"I didn't think about that…" Izumo muttered in realization.

Anko snapped her fingers, "I've got it! I can just blind-fold the both of you and tie you to my bed! How about that?"

Izumo and Kotetsu stared at her breasts in contemplation.

There was a short pause.

"Okay!"

"Yeah, that sounds fine!" They both nodded vigorously.

~*~

Hinata had just exited the tavern's restroom when she noticed Naruto and Tenten chatting away together. Just the two of them. Alone. By themselves. With no one else.

The Hyuuga's eyes narrowed slightly, a wave of emotion washing over her.

"…and so I've heard tales of your _amazing_ stamina in battle, and I was wondering… does that hold true in _all_ aspects of uh… _exerting_ yourself?" Tenten asked.

Naruto blinked. "Huh?"

Just then, Hinata appeared right by their table, a look of newfound determination on her face.

Tenten looked up at her fellow female, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh," Naruto said casually, "Hey, Hina—UHMPHmmMMPH !"

Tenten watched on in shock. Out of nowhere, Hinata had grabbed Naruto's face and kissed him deeply.

Naruto blinked as she released him.

"Naruto, I…I…" Hinata started, but then she saw the look that Tenten was giving her.

Hinata turned a deep red.

Realizing that she had impulsively done what she had _done_ , in front of EVERYONE, she did the only thing she could think of at the moment as a distraction—she grabbed Kiba off of the closest bar-stool and kissed HIM madly too!

But she didn't stop _there_ ; she released him and went straight for Shikamaru's booth. But Shika saw her coming and he jumped out of the way of her lips, causing her to simply head over to the _next_ closest booth.

And so, Hinata ended up jumping over Gai to get to Lee. To say the least, Lee was quite shocked to find Hinata on top of him, sticking her tongue down his throat.

Hinata blinked when he started _kissing her back_.

Alas, just as Lee was really starting to enjoy it, Hinata broke it off and jumped over the booth and ran out off the tavern.

Lee blinked repeatedly.

"What just happened?" Naruto asked no one in particular.

"Wow, what overflowing youthfulness!" Gai exclaimed, "She must have partaken of many youthful cups of sake!"

"But…but I thought she HADN'T been drinking?" Tenten muttered, confused, "…or _had_ she?"

"I don't know," Naruto said, a blush running across his cheeks, "But…what a great IDEA!"

Naruto glanced over at Sakura giggling giddily over at the bar. Neji left her momentarily to take a much needed trip to the restroom.

Within moments, Sakura found herself attached to someone's lips. She was so out of it that she didn't even open her eyes to see who it was.

"OH YEAH!" Inner Sakura raved, "Ahhh…huh?"

Sakura's eyes flung open to see a Hinata-inspired Naruto kissing her.

"ACK!" Sakura yelled, knocking him off the stool and back into the booth with Tenten.

Getting ideas of her own, Tenten puckered up her lips at Naruto, offering him a kiss, but Naruto just sighed and rubbed his sore face from where Sakura had whacked him.

~*~

"Mmmmm…"

"Lee?" Gai asked as he heard the sound, turning around to see— "LEE NO!"

Gai had turned his attention away from his student long enough for Lee to get a hold of Gai's sake and down the whole bottle.

Gai paled.

~*~

In the midst of the confusion, a Shukaku-possessed Gaara hopped up from his position on top of Ino and grabbed her up, slinging her across his shoulders, and dashed outside, taking off down the street to destinations unknown.

"Shouldn't we like… try to do something about this?" Temari asked Kankuro with great concern.

"HIC. HIC. HIC."

"Kankuro?"

At that, Kankuro lost the ability to sit up coherently and fell over onto Temari's shoulder, looking up at her groggily.

"Big-sis!" Kankuro slurred, his eyes big and glistening, "I WUV you!"

Temari sighed heavily as her brother then began to snore loudly.

~*~

"Oh, Sasuke," Karin pleaded, scooting closer to him, "What do I have to do to get a _reaction_ out of you…"

There was a long pause.

"Sasuke, talk to me!"

"I don't even know you."

"Hmph!" She said, getting up.

A few more moments passed until the red-head formed an idea.

"Hmmhmmhmm…" Karin hummed as she stood in front of Sasuke and began tugging at her clothing.

"…wait…what are you doing?" Sasuke asked slowly.

"Getting naked." Karin replied matter-of-factly.

"What?" Sasuke paled.

"I thought you needed to get to know me." Karin smiled.

"Not like that! …Hey, wait, what are you doing? Put that back on! No, don't do that!"

Suddenly, Sasuke found himself missing the likes of Sakura and her _pink_ , pink hair.

~*~

Naruto stared at the drink that Tenten had placed in front of him.

"It's good!" Tenten prodded, "Try it!"

"Uh…" Naruto stared at the cup unsurely.

He almost felt like his tummy was growling at him—growling at him _angrily_ as he downed the sake and every bit of it dripped into his stomach.

**"Errrrrr…"**

"I don't…feel so well…" Naruto complained, holding his stomach.

"Naruto?" Tenten asked with concern.

Within moments, Naruto passed out as well.

Within him, the beast stirred.

**"Hur hur HUR!"**

In a dank, dripping chamber, the mighty Kyuubi, the nine-tailed demon, watched an unconscious form of Naruto that had appeared before his gigantic cage that sealed him away.

**"Ha ha ha, the brat is vulnerable!"**

To the giant fox, Naruto appeared to be sleeping face down only a few feet away from the cage.

**"Grrrr hur hur, this is my chance!"**

The Kyuubi lifted his giant paw and thrusted his claws through the bars. The bars held back his sharp fingers only mere inches from Naruto's head.

**"Kukuku!"**

The fox laughed, reaching out with his chakra, the orange bubbly stuff eking out closer and closer to the unconscious shinobi, but something gave the Kyuubi pause just as his chakra was beginning to absorb Naruto.

**"What is this?"**

The demon asked as more water than usual fell from the ceiling onto his head. But this water was not clear. The curious fox shifted his focus and lifted up his head, sticking his tongue out to taste the oddly colored _water._

The Kyuubi grinned evilly, lapping it up, not realizing that after his orange chakra wrapped around Naruto, an ill, greenish color was seeping out from the boy, contaminating the orange and slowly sneaking up on the fox.

**"Sake?"**

The fox asked before turning to see that the green ill-colored chakra had now passed into his cage, moving up him, and had turned his foot green.

**"ARRRRGh it BURNS!"**

The Kyuubi growled angrily as his beautiful, fiery orange fur turned green from the burning alcohol as it fell on him and the image of the _culprit_ and _cause_ of all of his pain, Naruto, disappeared.

The Ninetails' loud growls and various death threats were _lost_ on Naruto and fell on deaf ears.

Naruto groggily awoke moments later to find his hand bubbling with an orange and green chakra.

"I don't feel so well," Naruto complained, grasping his tummy and looking up at Tenten from where his chin rested on the table, "I think I need to thro—"

"HIC." Naruto suddenly hiccupped, causing all the bubbles in his chakra to burst all at once before reforming.

Tenten looked at the blonde with concern.

"Are you oka—"

_PHFFTT_

Tenten made a face as Naruto farted gratuitously, again causing his bubbling chakra to burst.

"Ugh…" Naruto winced in pain as his face turned green, "Tenten?"

Tenten had gotten up and left, waving her hand in front of her face frantically. "I-think-I'll-go-check-up-on-Lee."

Naruto scrunched up his face.

"I think my tummy's mad at me…" He said pitifully.

~*~

Sakura giggled as she felt the alcohol _really_ going to her head. Neji was giving her a neck rub as they both sat at the bar.

"Wanna hear something _interesting_?" Sakura smiled.

"What?" Neji smirked back.

"Hehe," Sakura said, stoking Neji's long, beautiful hair, "Your hair's even prettier than _Sasuke's_."

Neji blinked at that, raising an eyebrow slightly before grinning widely.

"Want to hear something _really_ interesting?"

~*~

_Several days earlier_

Neji pressed his ear to the door. He could hear a distinct conversation going on just beyond. It sounded very important.

"I need to get a better look."

Neji paused a moment, " _Byakugan_!"

Now he could both see _and_ hear what was going on—it was Hinata and her father.

"Father?" Hinata asked as she looked up at him.

"Do you know _why_ I have summoned you?" Hiashi asked sternly.

"I-I…"

She saw him staring at her with a very serious look.

"…yes."

Hiashi closed his eyes and sighed.

"Who's is it?"

Hinata shivered slightly.

"Well?"

"…" Hinata was silent for a good minute or so, carefully thinking over her answer. Would she lie to her father, or would she tell him the truth?

Just as her father opened his mouth to prod her further, she finally gave him an answer.

"The Uchiha… _Sasuke_."

Neji's mouth hung open from behind the door.

Hinata's father blinked.

After a few moments he shrugged, sighing.

"Eh, it could have been worse."

Hinata watched as her father left the room. Neji quickly scrambled off so that he would not get caught eavesdropping.

"I had been worried she might have been having relations with that Uzumaki brat that was hugging her the other day." Hiashi thought to himself as he left the room, "I'm glad she found someone from a somewhat _prestigious_ clan. I was beginning to think I was going to have to hook her up with her cousin one day…"

~*~

"Say WHAT?" Sakura shrieks.

"It's the cold, hard truth." Neji said, taking another drink of sake.

Sakura twitched.

"Do you wanna hear _another_ cold, _hard_ truth?" Kiba exclaimed drunkenly, leaning over Neji from his seat next to him in order to address Sakura.

"Hey!" Neji complained.

"I just found out that Ino's dad has been secretly banging my _mom_!" Kiba whined.

"Why should I care?" Sakura howled, still torn up over the news about Sasuke.

"Shino told me today that _his_ dad has been secretly screwing YOUR mom!" Kiba exclaimed.

"What?" Sakura exclaimed in horror.

"Huh?" Shikamaru piped up, taking a seat next to Sakura at the bar, "But…wait a minute… _Chouji_ told me yesterday that _his_ dad was secretly banging Sakura's mom."

"WHAT?" Sakura screamed.

"Chouji's dad?" Neji asked, "Wouldn't that cause like… an earthquake?"

There was a short pause.

"Wow, Sakura," Kiba commented. "Your mom sure is getting a lot of action."

"MOMMY?" Sakura's eyes got wide.

~*~

_CRASH_

Everyone stopped what they were doing to look for the source of the sudden noise.

Then there was _another_ loud crash as Lee tore out of the booth, knocking Gai on his ass. The sake had taken its full effect.

Lee quickly took out the music player with a swift kick—the silence now brought full attention to even those who were the _most_ drunk that something was very, very wrong.

People really started clearing out of the tavern when Gai tried to restrain Lee again, but failed, with Gai being sent crashing through a window.

"LEE STOP!"

Tenten jumped at Lee, grabbing his leg, but was quickly shaken off.

"NEJI! HELP!" Tenten called out desperately.

Silence.

Tenten looked up to see Sakura wobbling towards the exit with a passed out drunk Neji slung over her shoulder.

" _Damn it!_ " Tenten whined. Sakura could only shrug her shoulders as a reply.

"Sorry!" Sakura called back, getting Neji to safety.

"Help! Anybody?" Tenten yelled throughout the emptying tavern as she pulled a bar stool up above her head from where it was secured, swinging it at Lee's head in an attempt to knock him out.

Lee dodged, his sake filled body wobbling like putty—the flung chair nearly hitting Temari who had to duck down, dragging her brother with her under the table to save themselves.

"TENTEN!"

She turned to see her Gai-sensei blast through the wall with a _Dynamic Entry_ kick meant for Lee.

Tenten sweat-dropped as Gai gave her a smile and thumbs up in mid-air, completely missing Lee.

Gai's foot hit the edge of the bar, spinning him until he landed face first in the sake storage area. Box after box fell on his head.

"OoooOOoOooo…" Gai grunted in pain.

While Lee decided to have a one on one fight with a few more bar stools, Tenten turned as Temari dragged Kankuro out the door.

"A little help?" Tenten pleaded.

Temari smiled nervously, "Sorry!"

"What about you?" Tenten asked as Shikamaru wandered past.

Shikamaru sighed, "It's too—"

"—too troublesome." Tenten completed his sentence with him, "Somehow, I knew you'd say that…"

Tenten sighed, assessing the situation. She looked over the half-way destroyed tavern.

"I can't handle this alone." Tenten said quickly, "Time to bail out!"

"GAI-SENSEI!" Tenten yelled, jumping over the bar and grabbing her teacher's legs, "I'll save you!"

Lee vaguely watched, wobbling from side to side as Tenten bolted up from behind the bar, pulling Gai through the air by both legs.

Soon, Lee was seemingly the only one left in the tavern.

~*~

"Did everyone get out?" The bartender asked his customers that were now strewn about all over the ground outside the tavern.

"I…think so," Tenten replied, breathing heavily.

Everyone outside listened as the CRASHES and loud BOOMS continued inside.

~*~

"Oh…" Naruto grunted, looking up, "Where did everybody go?"

Naruto looked around groggily to find that he and a blind drunk and destructive Lee were the only ones remaining in the large tavern.

Naruto hiccupped again, chakra pouring from him, his eyes becoming red and slit like the Kyuubi.

A small fox tail and ears in the form of bubbling, green contaminated, orange chakra appeared.

Naruto attempted to jump up from his seat, wobbling drunkenly to the nearest stool to hold on to for balance.

With that action, Lee finally spotted him.

Naruto hiccupped again—loudly this time, enough for Lee to hear.

"I accept your challenge!" Lee slurred.

"Huh?" Naruto asked, almost with a growl—his teeth becoming fangs—as a drunken Lee lunged for him.

Outside, all the tavern patrons sat and listened to the destruction that ensued inside the tavern.

_CRASH crash BOOM BANG BOOM SPLAT CRRRAAASH crash crash splat SPLAT_

Although…many of those outside were in various degrees of being or almost being passed out.

~*~

Two hours had passed since everyone had evacuated the tavern, but many were still too intoxicated to attempt to walk home. And so, the shinobi came up with various interesting ways to pass the time.

Tenten took the opportunity to feel up Neji while he was out cold. Sakura was helping.

Temari and Kankuro were leaned up against the building across the street. Kankuro had _finally_ regained consciousness.

Soon, Tenten grew bored with playing with Neji and decided to come sit by Kankuro.

"Hey there!" She said slyly.

"Why hellooo." Kankuro slurred playfully.

Temari elbowed him.

"What?" He asked.

Temari snorted.

There was a long pause.

"So…" Kankuro began, looking over Tenten's body, "How'd _you_ like to come over to my place later and—"

"Kankuro!" Temari scolded.

"What? It's not like I'm taking advantage of her or anything, she's not the one that's drunk, _I_ am…"

Tenten blinked.

Temari narrowed her eyes. "But _she_ could still take advantage of _you_!"

Kankuro blinked.

"And that's bad, _how_?"

Temari sighed heavily.

~*~

_CRASH_

Naruto threw another chair at Lee which he dodged.

"Why are we fighting, _again_?" Naruto asked. Lee gave no answer.

Naruto swung his claws at Lee over and over again, never quite managing to hit him.

Eventually Lee tired of dodging and retaliated, giving a swift, youthful kick to Naruto's nether regions.

"GAH!" Naruto yelled, doubling over.

**"Damn, brat, even _I_ felt that!" **The Kyuubi muttered to itself.

~*~

A bit later, as the alcohol finally began to wear off, Naruto and Lee were exhausted, and Naruto finally managed to land a hit on Lee with his claws.

Unfortunately it also tore Lee's green shorts off, revealing his pink, lotus-blossom pattern covered underpants.

~*~

Shizune was on her way to Tsunade's office when she came upon the odd sight outside the tavern. Everybody was just all over the ground. Many of them unconscious. Some of them making-out. Others were attempting to—

"Oh that's just not right." Shizune grimaced, "Anko! You can't do that in public!"

"Sorry!" Three distinct voices called back.

"Eh…" Shizune muttered as she attempted to walk through the bodies all over the fairly dark street.

"Ow!" Neji yelled, "You stepped on me!"

"Sorry!" Shizune replied.

Once she finally got past the human _road hazard_ , she suddenly realized something.

"Tonton?" Shizune looked around for the little piggy that had previously been right behind her. "Where did you go?"

That's when she saw _them_.

"OoooooiiiiINK!" The pig called out as she was energetically humped by Akamaru. "BARK barkBAAAAaaaaark!"

"TONTON!" Shizune exclaimed, distraught.

She quickly pulled the pig away and scooped her up in her arms.

"S-sooorry, man…" Kiba said, half-asleep, "Akamaru gets that way sometimes…"

"Oink…" Tonton offered in apology.

"Ugh." Shizune grunted.

With that, Shizune continued on her way to the Hokage's office.

~*~

When the sounds of the battle finally stopped, a few brave souls ventured inside. The tavern was ruined.

A bruised and battered unconscious Lee was sideways across a sleeping battle-torn Naruto. All visible signs of the fox's chakra were gone.

The Kyuubi grumbled—a terrible hangover making his head pound—gnawing at his cage.

**"Stupid brat."**

Meanwhile, Gaara's demon was _far_ more enjoying the interesting effects of joyous _sake_.

~*~

"Where to now, Itachi?" Kisame asked his Akatsuki partner as they ventured down the night-lit streets of Konoha.

"Well…"

Suddenly, two figures dashed right past them. Gaara ran as Ino rode on his shoulders exclaiming:

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Itachi blinked as they ran past.

"…Sasori? …Deidara?" Itachi asked.

Kisame gaped at his partner.

"Itachi?" Kisame asked with concern, waving his hand in front of Itachi's eyes, "Are you alright?"

"…you mean that _wasn't_ Sasori and Deidara that just ran past?"

"No." Kisame shook his head.

"Hmmm." Itachi pondered.

"Maybe…maybe you're tired," Kisame offered, cautiously, "Perhaps we should find a place to sleep for the night."

Itachi blinked and looked around.

"How about there?" Itachi replied, pointing to an establishment a few buildings down.

Kisame gave the Uchiha an odd look.

"Itachi, that's a brothel."

"Oh."

"…maybe we should just keep walking."

~*~

"Yes?" Tsunade asked as there was a knock on her office door.

"Hokage-sama?" Shizune said as she entered.

"What is it Shizune?" Tsunade said, not even looking up from her desk as she was intently scribbling onto some papers.

"Well, I came to ask you about that." Shizune said, pointing over at the large sword that the ANBU had found and brought over and left in the Hokage's office.

"What about it?" Tsunade replied, again not even looking up.

"Shouldn't we be asking all the ninja of the village about it? See if anyone recognizes it? Or anything?"

"…" The Hokage continued writing.

Shizune blinked, "Ma'am?"

Silence.

"Are you even paying attention?"

Shizune approached the desk, but Tsunade quickly covered up the piece of paper.

"Tsunade-sama," Shizune said slowly and suspiciously, "Just what are you doing?"

Tsunade stared with a serious look into her assistant's eyes before her face suddenly broke out into a wide mischievous smile, holding up the paper for Shizune to see.

Shizune gasped, "You are writing those _letters_ again! And after you _promised_ not to do that anymore!"

Tsunade leaned back in her chair and propped her feet up on the desk.

"Oh, Shizune…"

"But, But Hokage-sama! They'll _know_ it was you!"

"Don't worry," Tsunade laughed, "They'll be _far_ too drunk to notice!"

Shizune frowned. "It's still unethical. And sneaky."

"Shizune," Tsunade scolded, "Why do you have to say that about _everything_ truly _fun_ that I want to do?"

Shizune sighed heavily, giving up and leaving Tsunade to her letter writing.

~*~

Kisame stopped in front of an establishment that offered room and board.

"How about we stop here, Itachi?"

The Uchiha nodded.

~*~

Eventually, the alcohol's effects began to wear off on Gaara, his tail of sand falling to the ground as just regular sand.

Gaara stopped running and blinked, setting Ino on the ground before walking off.

"Hey," Ino complained, "You can't just leave me here! My head's still buzzing; I'm too dizzy to make it home alone!"

The sand shinobi ignored her.

There was a long pause.

Suddenly, Ino felt a presence behind her.

"Hello."

"ACK!" Ino jumped as the guy startled her.

"Hi." The guy said with a creepy fake smile.

Ino raised an eyebrow. "Who are you?"

"You may call me Sai."

"Well, Sai," Ino replied a bit more pleasantly, noticing the guy wasn't half-bad looking, "You may call me Ino."

"I heard you say you needed someone to take you home." Sai said, moving to pick her up in his arms, "And I am someone."

"Well…yeah." Ino said unsurely as she was lifted off the ground.

"So…what do _you_ do?" Ino asked as they walked along.

"I'm an artist. Want to see my picture book?"

"Not right now." She said, "Oh! Maybe I could model for you sometime!"

Sai grinned wider. "Naked?"

Ino blinked.

"Okay!" She suddenly replied with great excitement.

~*~

"Um, Itachi…"

"Yes, Kisame?"

"There is only one bed in this room."

"You may sleep in the tub, if you wish." Itachi offered.

Kisame sighed.

~*~

Tsunade was in the middle of sealing up another envelope when she managed to accidentally spray herself with one of the perfume bottles that she would spray _every_ letter with to make it _extra_ special sexy.

"I hope it's not bad that I sprayed this directly in my face."

She turned around the bottle to find a warning label.

The Hokage raised an eyebrow.

"Warning: direct skin contact can cause drowsiness, erratic behavior, hormonal shifts, or extreme horniness. Use with caution. Do not attempt complicated jutsu while under the influence of this product."

"Hmmm…" Tsunade pondered, rubbing her chin with her hand.

But then, she began to feel very strange.

~*~

Kisame lazily flicked at the water in the bathtub until he was sure that he could hear Itachi snoring softly in his bed on the other side of the door.

At that, Kisame skillfully got up without making a sound, letting the water stream down his naked body before he put his shorts back on and snuck out, walking past the sleeping Itachi and jumping out the window.

This was his chance to track down and retrieve Samehada.

But, unfortunately for Itachi, Kisame neglected to close the window to the room.

Kisame looked around the empty Konoha street. Where should he start looking for his sword?

Just then, glancing upward towards the far side of the village, he noticed a single window light in the tall building go out.

"That must be the Hokage's place." He said. "If they are keeping my sword, it is probably there!"

With that, Kisame headed straight for Tsunade's office.

~*~

The blue man leapt onto the roof that was right at the base of the dark window. Pressing his face to the glass, he could just _barely_ see inside.

"Samehada!" He rejoiced mentally, spotting his precious weapon resting against the wall.

Cautiously pushing the window open, Kisame slipped inside.

But he was not alone.

Kisame froze with his hand inches away from his sword when the lights were suddenly flicked on.

A decidedly _feminine_ laugh drew his attention to the other side of the office, where a big, booby lady stood leaning provocatively against the wall with her shirt draping halfway off of her shoulder.

Kisame swallowed hard. He had forgotten to disguise himself with a transformation jutsu before going out, and the light clearly illuminated his blue body for the woman to see.

Should he simply kill her and leave no witnesses, or make a run for it?

"Hey, there, _sexy_!" Tsunade suddenly exclaimed.

Kisame blinked and looked around.

"Do you mean _me_?" The blue man questioned with surprise.

The blonde nodded, walking towards him.

"Who _are_ you?" Kisame asked curiously as she backed him up towards the wall. He had no idea she was _actually_ the Hokage of the _entire_ village.

Tsunade simply grinned, leaning in closer to him until she was breathing down his neck.

Kisame glared at her skeptically as her warm breath tickled his skin. "Whoever she is, she must be _really_ intoxicated," He thought.

"Is it hot in here, or is it just me?" Tsunade giggled, moving to pull off her shirt entirely.

"Nope," Kisame replied, "It's getting pretty hot."

~*~

By midnight, all the drunks had picked themselves up and moved on, or went home, but many of the girls opted to clean up first, so they headed for the hot spring at the bathhouse.

Even Ino had Sai drop her off at the bathhouse. Though, she planned to _rendezvous_ with him _later_.

Sakura adjusted her towel around her as she and several other women in the bathhouse stared out the door to the outside that was only open a tiny crack.

"Is he still out there?" Ino asked.

Tenten squinted, "Yeah."

Out in the hot springs sat a single occupant, giggling to himself—his face red off of the sake. The old pervert laying in wait… It was, of course, none other than Jiraiya.

"What are we going to do?" Temari began.

"I don't know…" Kurenai said, disgusted.

" _I'll_ take care of it."

The women all turned to face their savior, Anko, waltzing towards them with a sly grin on her face. They weren't terribly surprised to find that she didn't bother with wearing a towel.

"Where is he?" Anko asked, hands on her hips.

Hinata pointed out into the bath.

"Gimme 5 minutes. I'll take care of it."

~*~

Jiraiya went rigid as he suddenly felt hot breath on his neck.

"You know, I'm a real _fan_ of your book."

Jiraiya blinked as Anko started playing with his hair.

"How about we go back to your place and you can give me a _private_ reading." She said playfully.

~*~

The girls back at the bathhouse blinked, pushing the door open all the way.

"That was quick."

Jiraiya was nowhere in sight, but Anko was still there.

" _Ha_ , I wonder how long it will take him to figure out it's just a clone."

~*~

Jiraiya and 'Anko' were nearly to his place when Jiraiya made the mistake of grabbing the clone's butt.

POOF

'Anko' disappeared just like that in a puff of smoke.

"Why me?" Jiraiya pouted, "I should have known this was too good to be true."

The white haired pervert trudged along all alone for awhile before noticing something odd.

"Why is there a light still on at the Hokage's office at this time of night?" Jiraiya asked as he glanced off into the distance.

~*~

Just as soon as Tsunade had pulled her top off, Kisame heard something outside the office door.

He gasped, "Someone's coming!"

"Huh, really?" Tsunade asked, "I don't feel anything."

The Akatsuki member moved away from the blonde, causing her to loose her balance and fall to the floor.

She seemed to drift off to sleep as the blue man took Samehada from where it rested and jumped out the window to make his getaway.

KNOCK KNOCK

"Tsunade? You in there?"

KNOCK knock KNOCK

"Tsunade?" Jiraiya called out, opening the door.

"TSUNADE!" He exclaimed as he spotted the Hokage's sleeping form on the other side of the room.

"TSUNA—"

Jiraiya paused, his eyes growing wide.

She was topless, and he had a full _glorious_ view of her breasts.

"Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-hu-uh-hu-oh-um-huhhhh" Jiraiya stuttered and babbled as his brain melted and went to a very happy place.

Grinning ear to ear, he slowly—so slowly—reached out his hand to touch her boob.

But then he paused midair.

"Should I really be doing this? She'll kill me if she wakes up…" He mentally argued with himself.

"She's asleep, she won't notice."

"No! It's not right! It wouldn't be very gentlemanly of me…"

"But, just one little pat—" His hand got a little closer.

"No." He backed away.

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Maybe?"

"No." Jiraiya said solemnly, letting his hand fall to his side, tears streaming down his face pitifully.

"Wait!" The Ero-sennin exclaimed, cheering up a bit, "I can still sit and stare at them!"

STARE STARE STARE

"Hmmmmm," Jiraiya smirked after a few minutes of contemplation. "I have a better idea! If I take her home and make her _think_ that we…"

"Maybe that would convince her to…"

"Hey, that might work!" Jiraiya said, jumping up and carefully pulling Tsunade's shirt back over her.

"Let's go, Tsunade," He smiled, carefully picking her up, turning off the light, and taking her away.

~*~

"Is this the right place?" Kisame blinked as he jumped back through the window of his and Itachi's room.

"Itachi?" Kisame asked as he surveyed the now strangely empty room.

"Itachi?" The shark man called out pitifully. "Itachi, where did you go?"

Kisame turned around and noticed various fingernail marks dug into the sides of the windowsill as though someone had been dragged through it while trying to hold on for dear life.

"Something's wrong."

Kisame blinked, noticing Itachi's pants—minus Itachi—tossed onto the bed. His shoes were still at the foot of the bed as well.

"ITACHI!"

~*~

Tsunade squinted her eyes as the morning light came in on her.

"What? How did I get here?"

She looked around to see that she was in a soft bed, covered with a warm blanket.

The Hokage sat up and rubbed her eyes. But then she looked over and noticed a large bulge in the covers. A large, person-sized, bulge.

"Oh, hell." Tsunade muttered, pulling down the covers.

"Hey, baby!"

"JIRAIYA?"

Jiraiya sat up, grinning at her.

"Wait? WHAT? When…HOW? What the…YOU! …WHAT?"

"You were great last night—"

"You took advantage of me?" Tsunade yelled angrily.

"NO NO NO!" Jiraiya waved his hands frantically, "You uh…you jumped me! You were all over me! I…uh…valiantly tried to fight you off but you were soooooo determined to _have_ me!"

Tsunade glared at him skeptically. Her eyebrow twitched.

"I'm guess I'm just _too_ sexy," Jiraiya sighed.

But the great and wise Hokage began to catch on.

"Wait just a _minute_." Tsunade said, looking over herself, "If we had sex, why am I still _dressed_?"

"Uh…"

"Why are _you_ still dressed?"

"My shirt's off!"

"It's the _law_ for your shirt to be off!"

Jiraiya was silent. His little idea was falling apart.

"Jiraiya." Tsunade grinned slyly, "What does the tattoo on my _ass_ look like?"

"Huh?"

"What does it look like? In fact, what does it SAY? If you can't tell me that, then I'll KNOW we never did the naked tango."

Jiraiya paled.

"Um…uh…um…tattoo…right…uh," The white haired man then began to really sweat.

While Jiraiya babbled away, fearing for his life at what Tsunade would do to him, the Hokage wandered over to look out the window, sticking her hands in her pockets.

"Hmmm?" Tsunade muttered as her hand hit something.

"I remember this!" She exclaimed, bringing the small perfume bottle up to her face. "I sprayed it on me and then I…felt really _warm_ and then…I can't really remember."

Tsunade glanced back over at her fellow Sannin and the sad puppy dog eyes he was making at her. He really wasn't that bad looking after all.

The Hokage paused in thought, "…I always lose the bets I make. It's just my luck." She scoffed, "I should have known that as soon as I bet on Jiraiya in that silly pool that I would lose one way or another."

Jiraiya blinked.

Tsunade stared at the bottle. "Oh what the hell. Might as well lose on my _own_ terms for once. Besides, it's been _far_ too long since I've _gotten any_ , anyway."

With that, Tsunade sprayed herself with the perfume again.

"Tsunade?" Jiraiya questioned as she sprayed him as well.

"TSUNADE!" He yelled in surprise as she made a flying leap onto the bed and onto Jiraiya.

And so, the two had a bunch of hot, dirty sex, and all of Jiraiya's wildest dreams finally came true.

Tsunade had a bunch of fun too.

~*~

_TWO DAYS LATER_

"Does anybody think it's strange that nobody has seen Sasuke in days?" Naruto asked as he gulped down some ramen.

"No." Kiba replied with disinterest.

"No." Shino said.

"What does it matter?" Chouji commented, stuffing some chips in his mouth.

"Maybe Orochimaru got him." Shikamaru said plainly.

"OROCHIMARU?" Naruto screamed.

"Huh?"

"Why are you so concerned about Sasuke anyway," Shikamaru said, yawning.

"Sakura won't stop asking me if I've seen him! I wish Sakura would just ask about ME once in a while!" Naruto exclaimed jumping around outside the ramen stand, "We've got to do something!"

"Hn?" Shikamaru raised an eyebrow.

"Shikamaru, you've got to come up with a plan!" Naruto shouted, "We'll get a search party! Kiba, you can bring Akamaru! Shino, you've got your…bugs! Chouji, you've got…you! And we need to get Neji and Lee and—"

"Sasuke?" Chouji offered.

"No, Chouji," Naruto corrected, "Sasuke's the one we're looking for."

"No, SASUKE!" Kiba pointed.

Naruto blinked. Sasuke had just walked past—directly behind Naruto.

"Sasuke!" Naruto yelled, "What? HOW? Where have you BEEN anyway?"

"I don't really want to talk about it." Sasuke replied, crossing his arms and walking away quickly.

~*~

_Flashback_

RINGRINGRING

Sasuke rang the bell vigorously to summon Kabuto, while Karin pulled at him, trying to get on top of him.

"Yes, Sasuke?" Kabuto asked on his way in, "Done already are you? That was quick... Are you having any erectile dysfunction? Because I have several medical jutsu that can fix that."

The Uchiha panted, struggling to get away from the crazed female.

"I need to go to the bathroom." Sasuke stated in a strained voice.

"Oh. Give him some space, Karin," Kabuto sighed, unlocking the door.

The red-head pouted as Sasuke squeezed out the door as soon as it was open.

"So," Sasuke breathed, "Which way is it?"

"It's down that hall." Kabuto pointed.

"Thanks," Sasuke said, taking off down the hall, down several corridors, and… _straight out the exit and into the woods._

_~*~_

_2 hours later_

"Wow, Sasuke must have REALLY had to take a dump." Karin commented to Kabuto.

Orochimaru had joined them minutes earlier.

"Don't you think he's been gone a long time?" Orochimaru said, "Perhaps, I should go… look in on him."

Kabuto raised an eyebrow.

"Just to make sure he's ok!" Orochimaru defended.

"Hmmm." Kabuto contemplated.

" _I_ should go check on him!" Karin exclaimed enthusiastically.

"No."

~*~

_Later that night_

Ever since Sasuke had seemingly disappeared, Sakura and Ino took to breaking into his room each night, sleeping there occasionally—when they weren't sleeping over at someone _else's_ place, of course—and going through his things, waiting for him to show up so that they could surprise him.

But, on this night, _they_ would be the ones surprised.

Ino stirred, hearing a noise at the window. Her eyes went wide. "Sakura!"

"What?" Sakura complained as she felt Ino poking her shoulder. Sakura turned.

The window flew open, sending a breeze through the girls' hair.

"Sasuke?" They breathed.

Sasuke jumped onto the edge of the bed where they laid, smirking with red eyes.

He stared at the scantily clad kunoichi with great determination and in one fell swoop, took off his pants and threw them into the wind—basking in front of them in his full glory.

And there was much rejoicing.


	29. Prelude to End

_**O** NE WEEK LATER_

"Oh god, what could she possibly have in store for us this time?" a jounin whined as he and several others made their way into Tsunade's office.

"I don't know," the jounin's friend answered, "but I'm almost scared. Me! Scared? I'm a grown man! What's wrong with me?"

Another nin walked over.

"Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I believe the last time we were here, the Hokage said something about not being able to wear any clothes at all once week three hits. Perhaps you are afraid that everyone will see your small penis," Sai said plainly, pausing a moment before wandering off.

There was a short pause.

"What the hell is up with that guy?"

~*~

> Consequences

~*~

"What is the news, Hokage-sama?" Gai said with great enthusiasm as the last of the men arrived for yet another one of Tsunade's ninja meetings.

"Well… _hey quit that_." Tsunade began, but then stifled a giggle, kicking at her desk.

"Um…?" Gai cocked his head and stared at the Hokage, as did a few others.

"Hehehe… _seriously, not now!_ " Tsunade breathed in a harsh whisper in the direction of her desk.

Shizune wandered over and peered at Tsunade's cheeks and their rising level of redness.

The Hokage kicked at her desk again and spoke in a low whisper, " _If you don't stop it right now I will—_ "

"Uh, Hokage-sama?"

There was a long pause.

Tsunade shifted around, smiled and looked up at the curious on-looks of Shizune, Gai, and several others.

Shizune looked at the desk and then looked at Tsunade.

She twitched, "Uh… Tsunade-sama…"

"Yes?"

"Is…is there someone _under_ your _desk_?" Her assistant asked incredulously.

"N-no…" The Hokage said, grinning oddly, "What ever gave you that idea?"

Shizune sighed, thinking, "I don't even want to know."

Gai scratched his head, "What's going on?"

Tsunade blinked.

"Oh yes! The meeting!" She exclaimed.

Tsunade rifled through a few papers on her desk.

"This meeting's going to be a little bit different," the Hokage said.

"For once I have good things to report!"

Several relieved sighs were heard across the room.

"Everyone, follow me outside!"

"Huh?"

"Come, on, this way…"

~*~

"What's going on?" Naruto asked as he and the others filed out of the room, following their large busted Hokage.

"Don't know." Shikamaru answered.

"I thought you knew everything." Chouji commented.

"Hn." Shikamaru shrugged.

"Have you guys seen Sasuke around?" Naruto asked.

Shikamaru stared at Naruto oddly, "Not this, _again_?"

~*~

The Hokage stopped in front of a large building.

"Hey," Kiba yelled, "This is the vet hospital where Hana works!"

Right on cue, Hana Inuzuka appeared from the building.

"Come on inside!" Hana waved.

Soon, they all found themselves staring at a large animal in a stable.

"A horse?" Shikamaru commented.

"Wow, a horse! There aren't usually many in this village!" Naruto exclaimed.

"She's on loan from a neighboring town." Hana explained.

~*~

"Hokage-sama," Kakashi asked, "Do you mind if I ask what is going on?"

"Well, you see, you male nin have done a good job this past week—a very good job, perhaps too good in fact. We are at 90 percent and finally within our projected goal."

"Whoa, you mean 90 percent of all the women in the village are pregnant?" The mass of men said with surprise.

"Why, yes!" Tsuande grinned.

"So…does this mean…?"

"Yes, I won't be putting any odd laws into effect this time. You get to keep your pants on."

"Oh thank GOD!" came several elated cries.

Sai appeared oddly disappointed.

~*~

As Hana walked over to brush the horse, Neji saw an opportunity to speak to her.

"Um," he began, "I wanted to apologize for my behavior the last time I saw you. I was not myself…I…"

Hana simply smiled, taking Neji by the arm, "You get to be my first volunteer!"

"Volunteer for what?" Neji pondered.

~*~

"But," Tsunade began.

_Uh oh…_

"Bringing my plan to fruition has had a troublesome side-effect…" Tsunade continued.

_I have a bad feeling about this…_

"All of our current medical staff happen to be _women_. All of those women are currently pregnant. Do you see a problem here?" She asked the crowd.

They all shook their heads uneasily.

"If they are all pregnant, in a little over eight and one half months, who's going to deliver all the babies?" The Hokage exclaimed.

The men mumbled and shrugged.

"YOU ARE!" Tsunade said matter-of-factly, pointing at the shinobi.

_Twitch. Twitch._

" **WHAT?"** the room roared with the collective yell of every single male there.

Before the men had a chance to even get over their shock, Tsunade spoke again.

"And today, we are going to have our first lesson!" The Hokage pointed.

The men's eyes looked in the direction she pointed.

It was the horse.

"Oh, look!" Tsunade smiled, clapping her hands together, "Hana already has a volunteer!"

Neji twitched, "Huh?"

"What's the horse for?" Naruto asked, scrunching up his face.

"Ah, _Naruto_ , that is not any old regular horse, that is a very, _very_ pregnant 'mommy' horse that is about ready to _burst_ at any minute."

Several guys in the back were becoming visibly uncomfortable.

Neji turned as Hana patted him on the shoulder, handing him something.

"I am almost afraid to ask." Neji commented.

"No need," Hana grinned, spinning the horse around to where its butt was facing Neji and everyone.

~*~

"You want me to WHAT?" Neji paled.

"Lesson 1: check and see how the horse is doing by going on and sticking your arm up in there." Hana replied, "Be sure to put the glove on first."

Suddenly, a random shout came from out of nowhere that sounded suspiciously like Tenten, "Go on Neji! You can do it! You're good at this!"

Neji's face turned beat red.

As Hana pushed Neji closer to the horse, many of the guys were making gagging noise and falling over at the prospect, but Naruto began to laugh.

"Haha! Neji has to stick his hand up a horse's butt."

"You know," Kiba corrected, "That's not technically the _butt_."

Naruto raised an eyebrow.

~*~

As Neji was getting closer to finding his hand in a most unpleasant place he suddenly realized something and stepped back.

"I can just use my Byakugan to see inside the horse. Won't I be more helpful that way?" Neji said sternly.

Hana pondered it over.

"Ok, sure, Neji, step to the side and use the Byakugan… NEXT!" Hana called out.

Naruto's eyes got big when he was suddenly pulled from the crowd by the arm of Kiba's sister.

"Sucks to be you." Kiba commented as Naruto was hauled over to the horse's rear.

This time, 10,000 years of therapy was needed all around—and even more would be needed before it's all over.

~*~

In the days that followed, the men were all trained in the wondrous arts of birthing—and after a rigorous month long course, they all reluctantly became certified midwives!

As a reward, the Hokage reinstated the allowance of modest clothing to be worn by everyone once again.

Jiraiya was suspiciously exempt from this course which took the place of what Tsunade had originally planned for the final month of her three month plan to shore up the number of ninjas in the village. This led some to speculate that he was in fact shacking-up with said Hokage, which led to much jealousy all around. What man wouldn't WANT to be in Jiraiya's ninja sandals now?

~*~

_NINE MONTHS LATER_

The past two and a half weeks were the most hectic that Konoha had ever seen. 90 percent of the women had gone into labor within that same short time period and utter chaos erupted.

There was not enough space in the hospital, so the women overflowed into the streets. Eventually, the ninja academy was turned into a make-shift maternity ward, along with ANBU headquarters—since there were so many women in the ANBU pregnant and hey, they were already there anyway.

At the moment though, the male members of Teams 7, 8, 10, and Team Gai were gathered in the actual hospital. Since the insanity had begun, they had not had the chance to properly check up on their female teammates and peers—what with the rushing about from one make-shift hospital to another. Only now could they all get together at one time as things began to die down…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ The next 3 chapters are all alternate endings of the same events. They are in no particular order as to which ending is more correct or valid. There is a single epilogue chapter that follows the 3 alternate ending chapters ]


	30. Choose Your Own Adventure: Ending 1

**A** lmost all of the babies had already been born.

Now, they all walked towards a large pane of glass down the hall that separated the sterile room lined with isles of beds—each filled with mothers and babies—from the outside.

Gaara and Kankuro were already there, glancing inside with curious eyes.

Kankuro smiled as Temari waved at him from inside.

As Shikamaru and Chouji arrived at the viewing window, the others following behind, Shikamaru caught sight of Temari smiling and waving.

Shikamaru blinked. She was holding up two small babies where he could see. Even though they had only a small amount of their dark hair, it was sticking straight up in an almost prickly fashion. The bundles looked like two tiny pineapples.

She shrugged, grinning. "I'm guessing these are yours then?" She said with more of a statement than a question.

The Nara gaped a bit, and then jumped as Chouji slapped a hand on his shoulder, startling him. "I'm an uncle!" Chouji declared pumping a fist into the air as tears dramatically streamed down his face.

Shikamaru tilted his head down and sighed.

~*~

As Kakashi, Naruto, and Sasuke—who miraculously decided to show up—reached the window, Asuma—just behind—was pulled aside by a male nurse who seemed to tell him something important.

Moments later, Asuma announced with a grin, "I'm a father! Kurenai just had him a few moments ago!"

"Congratulations!" The group exclaimed.

Just then, a different nurse down the hall started yelling someone's name.

"Kakashi? Kakashi Hatake? Is there a Kakashi around here?"

The Copy-nin froze as the nurse drew closer.

"Here's Kakashi-sensei! Kakashi-sensei's right here!" Naruto yelled exuberantly, "Right, Kakashi-sensei?"

The Hatake's eye twitched slightly as a large bead of sweat poured down his face. What news could they possibly have for him?

The nurse looked down at his clipboard before staring back up at Kakashi.

Suddenly, the nurse smiled and exclaimed, "Congratulations, it's a boy—"

Kakashi blinked and slowly began to smile.

"—and 47 girls."

Kakashi's smile twitched as all the blood drained from his face, his knees collapsed from under him, and he fell out on the floor.

While everyone stared at poor Kakashi, they were interrupted by a screech emanating from behind the viewing window.

Naruto and Kiba looked curiously at Ino who was staring intently at her tiny infant's face.

"Why the hell doesn't mine look like Sasuke!" The blonde complained loudly.

Temari raised an eyebrow at the yelling of her neighbor, happening to glance at the baby which could easily pass as one of her own.

Shikamaru blinked as Temari shot him a glare.

"…" Shikamaru banged his forehead on the glass, "Why me." He mumbled. "So troublesome…"

A few beds over, Tenten was just the opposite from Ino. She cooed to her "little Neji" and said, "I'm going to brush your hair and make you a pretty girl!"

"Ma'am." The male nurse said. "That's a boy."

"I know!" Tenten grinned.

"What?" Neji exclaimed behind the glass window.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, "I was wrong. ALL the women are crazy."

"I take exception to that!"

Sasuke turned to see Sakura waving at him. He cautiously waved back, almost afraid to look. All the horrors came flooding back. The pink-hair, the nightmares, Itachi-dying of laughter—no wait, that's a good thing…

And so, he looked.

"Holy—" he whispered.

There sat Sakura, surrounded by 5 **dark haired** boys.

"YES!" Sasuke squealed mentally, while outwardly remaining his angsty self.

"Whoa," Kiba commented, to Shino, "The Uchiha must have super-sperm."

"I find such a thing unlikely." Shino commented, as he was the first one to notice that Sakura's children looked far more like Shikamaru, than Sasuke.

~*~

Watching it all, face pressed firmly into the glass with youthful tears of emotion bursting from his face was Lee.

"Sakura, my love!" Lee interrupted, tears streaming down his face, "Is there any hope for our love? Will our youthfulness never cross paths now that the springtime of youth has faded away?"

Sakura sweat-dropped as she received several odd stares from the other women in the ward. But, she supposed she might as well humor him.

Sakura called out, "LEE, I love you, too! I'll…uh… have your babies next time!"

"YOSH!" Lee yelled triumphantly before rushing away to do something youthful.

~*~

There were a few moments of silence after Lee's outburst, but it quickly faded with a scream.

One of the two ANBU in the building held up a little red haired boy to the onlookers. He had Gaara's cute little raccoon-like eyes…along with a _tanuki tail and ears_!

"What the fuck?" Temari exclaimed.

Kankuro, who was watching from the glass, turned to Naruto and said slowly in a creeped-out voice, "Demon…spawn…"

"Th-That's a medical impossibility!" Shizune exclaimed, looking at the odd child from several beds over.

Shizune looked up to see Sakura and Ino pointing at something to her side.

"What?" Shizune asked, looking over at Hinata.

Hinata smiled, rocking her tiny little orange… _fox_?

"…" Shizune was speechless.

~*~

"Uh…did Hinata have sex with a fox?" Naruto asked no one in particular, scratching his head.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow, looking Naruto over, up and down.

"Apparently, she _did_." Sasuke stated.

"Goo goo gaa gaa eeeeii! Heehee!" The "fox" baby cooed.

"It can talk!" Kiba exclaimed.

"More… _demon…spawn_ …" Kankuro mumbled.

Hinata hugged the little fox-human-baby-demon-spawn and squeaked, "Awwww…"

~*~

Gaara had his hands up on the glass, looking at _his_ family, and smiled—rather creepily Kankuro thought. The ANBU smiled back at Gaara. They mouthed to each other, "I love you."

Kankuro and Temari stared at Gaara in shock.

But, Kankuro was quickly distracted by the voice of Hana Inuzuka, who was holding up a cute little boy who she had already taken a purple marker to—drawing some cute face markings on him, just like Kankuro's.

Kankuro melted.

It was then Gaara's turn to stare at Kankuro strangely.

~*~

Then, there was a commotion as Iruka arrived to look through the window.

Anko suddenly jumped up from her bed and sprinted to the glass, causing Iruka to flinch.

"Isn't he cute?" Anko said, smiling, holding up her little baby.

Iruka promptly fainted.

~*~

_Meanwhile, over with the Akatsuki_

"Look, look, Sasori, yeah!" Deidara exclaimed, "Check out my new Art, un!"

Sasori stared at the thing that Deidara had made.

"What?" Sasori asked flatly.

"I was inspired by that artful book, yeah, the _Icha Icha Paradise_!"

"So, you made a _woman_ out of clay?" Sasori said, raising an eyebrow, "Why would you do that?"

"I'm horny, yeah," Deidara said, quite proud of himself. "I'm going to bang it!"

Sasori blinked, and then made a disgusted look, "But, what about those freakish _hands_ of yours? Are _they_ not enough for you?"

"But they BITE, un!" Deidara whined, "And it _hurts_!"

Sasori grimaced. "I did _not_ need to hear that bit of information."

Deidara grinned.

"You do realize that that IS your explosive clay, don't you?" Sasori commented, pointing at the clay woman.

Deidara shrugged.

Sasori sighed. "You're going to blow your stupid ass up one day. You know that, don't you?" He said with annoyance.

Deidara only grinned.

"I look forward to it!"

~*~

_Elsewhere_

"Hidan, I don't know why you put up with that woman of yours. She annoys the hell out of me," Kakuzu grunted.

"That's why I keep her." Hidan grinned, "She enjoys bugging the crap out of you as much as I do."

"Err." Kakuzu grunted, as Tayuya played a screeching note on her new flute right up in his ear, "I still don't see why you didn't just kill her months ago."

"Ah," Hidan sighed, "She's a woman after my own heart. She's already tried to kill me 27 times in _really_ fun and interesting ways."

Tayuya smiled at Hidan and he smiled back at her.

"She even helps me sacrifice heathens!" Hidan said to Kakuzu, "What more could I ask for in a woman?"

Kakuzu grunted, "For her NOT to be pregnant."

Hidan shrugged.

Tayuya snorted, waddling along, her stomach large and round.

"Shit. My water broke."

"That's it. I'm leaving. You deal with it." Kakuzu said, throwing his arms up in the air.

~*~

_Several hours later_

"What the…?" Hidan blinked, staring at Tayuya's three black haired babies.

And so, it came to pass that where _Sasuke_ failed to revive the Uchiha clan, _Tobi_ —with the help of Tayuya—succeeded.

As for the other Uchiha, Itachi, he, on the other hand, was never heard from again.

~*~

In the end, the nurses finally toted off an unconscious Kakashi to meet all of his 48 children.

And Gai, with a defeated score of 0, then carried out his promise and did in fact strip naked and do cartwheels around Konoha while juggling kittens.

Surprisingly, no kittens were harmed. In fact, under Gai's tutelage, the kittens would grow up to be successful Nin-cats.

~*~

Also, most of the betting pools Tsunade started were forgotten, save for the record for most babies fathered.

It was little to no contest.

Kakashi won, receiving a large sum to help him care for his—now huge—clan. He was definitely going to need all the help he can get.

Shikamaru came in a far second, but second nonetheless.

Technically in third was Akamaru, because there was no other explanation for how Shizune's pig had a litter of puppies.


	31. Choose Your Own Adventure: Ending 2

**M** ost of the women had already had their babies.

The group all walked towards the large pane of glass down the hall that separated the sterile room lined with isles of beds—each filled with mothers and babies—from the outside.

Gaara and Kankuro were already there, glancing inside with curious eyes.

Neji walked to the front of the group as they arrived at the glass, his eyes searching the room.

For a moment, his eyes met Tenten's, but she turned away sheepishly. The child she cradled was bald and tiny, but its little eyes were the _widest_ bright circles.

Neji twitched as a very similar pair of eyes appeared to the side of him.

"Lee." Neji muttered with narrow eyes.

"NEJI!" Lee exclaimed in his usual exuberant tone, "HOW ARE YOU THIS FINE DAY?"

Neji shrugged.

"YOSH!" Lee commented.

"Hi, Lee!" Tenten called out.

"Hello!" Lee waved back.

Neji stared at Tenten questioningly.

Tenten explained, "What can I say, Lee filled me with his youthfulness."

"YOSH!"

Neji put his face in his palm, shaking his head.

~*~

Chouji and Shikamaru then peered through the viewing window.

"How are you doing, Ino?" Chouji asked.

Shikamaru waved at his blonde teammate.

There was a short pause.

"Sasuke's-my-baby-daddy!" Ino squealed with delight, cuddling her little boy.

Shikamaru plugged his ears with his fingers due to the noise.

"I'm happy for you, Ino." Chouji said slowly.

"But does she have to be so loud?" Shikamaru muttered.

Sasuke stared at his offspring through the glass, quite proud of himself.

~*~

Nearby, Hinata stared at her little girl, sighing.

"Naruto?" She peeped.

"Huh?" He answered from the other side.

"S-sorry."

"Sorry for what?" Naruto scrunched up his face, confused.

Sasuke pressed his face against the glass to get a better look at the Hyuuga's daughter.

Hinata's eyes met his, and he knew.

"Thanks. Hinata." Sasuke said with sincerity. She smiled back.

Naruto scratched his head.

~*~

"Well, that's two new Uchiha in the world," Sasuke thought to himself.

But his thoughts were suddenly interrupted.

"Ino-pig, I've got you beat!" Came a sudden outburst.

Sasuke froze. That voice. It was the pink-haired one.

He turned to look at Sakura. His eyes went wide, and he fell to his knees. Two of them sat on her stomach and two were at her breasts—four babies and they all—every one of them—had Sakura's signature pink hair.

Sasuke twitched on the floor, not even taking the time to notice that unlike his nightmare, they weren't all boys. One was a girl. But, at this moment, this information would not have brought the Uchiha much comfort.

"Oh, Sasuke!" Sakura breathed, "They are so beautiful! I've even picked out their names already!"

Sasuke twitched. It kept running through his head: Uchiha men with long pink hair, Uchiha men with long pink hair, Uchiha…

"This one's Sake," Sakura continued, "And this one's Saku, and this one's Sasu…"

Sasuke began foaming at the mouth.

"…and this one's Uke!"

At that, Sasuke passed out from the stress.

Needless to say, Uke had a long hard life ahead of him.

Sakura probably should not have named the children while high on pain relieving jutsus.

Shizune would scold the kunoichi later for her use of dangerous banned fertility jutsus.

~*~

Kankuro smiled as Temari waved at him from inside.

Temari looked a bit confused though.

"Why does my baby have blonde hair?" She asked.

Gaara blinked.

"Temari, you _have_ blonde hair." Kankuro stated.

"Oh." Temari said, looking at the little boy with the bright blue eyes. "Right."

~*~

Just then, a male nurse down the hall started yelling someone's name.

"Kakashi? Kakashi Hatake? Is there a Kakashi around here?"

The Copy-nin froze as the nurse drew closer.

"Kakashi's right here!" Iruka called out, pointing to the Copy-nin who stood right next to him.

The Hatake's eye widened slightly as a large bead of sweat poured down his face.

The nurse looked down at his clipboard before staring back up at Kakashi.

Suddenly, the nurse smiled and exclaimed, "Congratulations, it's a boy—"

Kakashi smiled, "And?" He asked.

The nurse flipped through a few pages, "You're a father!"

Kakashi blinked.

But then the nurse turned to the man next to him.

"You're Iruka right?" He asked.

"Y-yes."

"Congratulations, you've got 3 beautiful girls!"

"Oh, wow…I-I" Iruka breathed.

"—and 39 boys!"

"GACK!" Iruka gasped, grasping his chest, heaving. Kakashi held the man up so that he wouldn't fall over from the shock.

Just then, Gai appeared.

"Kakashi," Gai said with a thumbs-up, "I have wondrous news!"

Kakashi blinked.

"The spreading of my youthful seeds brought great success! Like the lotus blossom blooming, two babies emerged youthfully from Anko's womb!" Gai said, illustrating with some posing and hand movements.

Onlookers such as Naruto and Kiba made faces of abject horror.

"And so, my eternal rival, I have fathered two youthful youths," Gai said grinning, "How many have sprung forth from _your_ loins?"

Kakashi stared at Gai oddly. "One," He answered.

"Wow, Kakashi," Gai replied, "Your sperm must suck."

The Copy-nin blinked.

~*~

While most of the betting pools Tsunade started were forgotten, the record for most babies fathered did receive a lot of attention.

There was no contest.

Iruka won by a long shot—likely against his will—not to say he didn't enjoy every minute of it.

Sasuke came in a far second, having successfully revived his clan. Though, he had no way of knowing that in another few hundred years, the famous Uchiha clan would live on, known even more for their signature pink hair than their _Sharingan_ eyes.


	32. Choose Your Own Adventure: Ending 3

**N** early all of the babies had already been born.

The group all walked towards the large pane of glass down the hall that separated the sterile room lined with isles of beds—each filled with mothers and babies—from the outside.

Gaara and Kankuro were already there, glancing inside with curious eyes.

Kankuro was surprised at first when Tenten's eyes met his.

He waved at her, and she held up a child.

"Me?" Kankuro asked, pointing at himself.

She nodded.

Neji and Lee walked to the front of the group as they arrived at the glass, their eyes searching the room.

For a moment, their eyes met Tenten's, but she turned away sheepishly. The child she cradled was neither of theirs.

Lee's eyes filled with tears of excitement anyway.

Neji simply sighed.

~*~

Next, Neji decided to see how Hinata was doing.

Scanning the room he soon found her, beaming with joy at the tiny baby she held.

Just then, her teammates Kiba and Shino arrived at the viewing window to check on her.

"Kiba, Shino!" She greeted happily.

They waved at her.

"Where's Naruto?" She asked.

"Naruto?" Kiba asked, turning.

"Naruto!"

"Huh?" Naruto commented, as he was pulled over to the window by Kiba.

Naruto blinked.

Hinata was smiling at him.

"Oh, hey, Hinata!" Naruto said, grinning.

"Naruto, th-there's something I must tell you!" She exclaimed quickly, blushing, slowing holding up her tiny _blonde_ child.

"That's a nice baby you got there, Hinata." Naruto said cluelessly.

Hinata giggled.

Kiba and Shino stared at Naruto.

"What?" Naruto asked.

Then he looked again.

"Oh."

There was a long pause.

"OH!"

Kiba and Shino sighed with relief.

"I still don't get it." Naruto commented.

Kiba fell backwards, bringing Shino with him.

~*~

Just then, a male nurse down the hall started yelling someone's name.

"Gaara? Is there a Gaara here?"

Kankuro waved the man over.

"This is Gaara," He pointed.

Gaara stared at the man.

"Sir," The nurse began, "Three women over in the ANBU compound have requested your presence."

Gaara tilted his head curiously, before finally nodding and going off to see his offspring.

~*~

A few minutes later, the man asked, "Is there a…" The man looked at the clipboard again, "…a Gai, a Kakashi, and an Iruka-sensei here?"

"Kakashi's right over there." Asuma said to the man.

The Copy-nin turned.

"Congratulations, there are 13 women on this list who claim you as the father of their children."

"Wha…" Kakashi staggered, waving his arms, but Gai pushed him upright once again.

Kakashi sweat-dropped, mumbling to himself, "How am I going to feed _thirteen_ children?"

"What about me?" Gai said jumping about.

"Well, sir, according to this you've got 14—"

"Aha! In your face, Kakashi!" Gai screamed, interrupting the nurse.

Kakashi shrugged, before going off to see the mothers of his children.

"BEHOLD THE POWER OF YOUTH!"

The nurse backed away slowly.

~*~

Just then, there were two screams that echoed throughout the ward.

"Sakura!"

"Ino!"

"Sakura, what could have happened?"

"I don't know, Ino?"

"Why is my baby blonde?"

"You're blonde you stupid Ino-pig."

"Not THIS shade of blonde!"

"Wait…mine's the same." Sakura pondered. "Sasuke! We need you!"

Sasuke walked up to the glass. "What is it?"

"Do you have any… _blonde_ relatives?" Sakura asked hopefully.

"No." Sasuke said flatly.

"But…" Ino began.

"B-but…" Sakura stuttered, "This isn't possible!"

"What do you mean?" Sasuke asked.

"We…y-you…u-us…" Ino said, "We…with you…through the window!"

"What window?" Sasuke asked.

"…" Ino and Sakura blinked.

"Sakura, what's going on?" Naruto asked, appearing from nowhere.

"Our children…" Sakura and Ino began simultaneously.

Naruto blinked, before smiling sheepishly. "I think I can explain."

"What?"

"It was _me_ in the window, not Sasuke." Naruto explained.

"WHAT?"

"I henged into Sasuke's form and then went to find you."

" **WHAT?** "

"It was _me_ that you…I guess you couldn't tell since it was dark and all…" Naruto said, grinning at the memory.

" **WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?** "

~*~

Later that day, Kakashi met up with Gai once again.

Kakashi nonchalantly informed Gai that Anko had a child by Kakashi, bringing their totals to a tie of 14 and 14.

Gai wigged out at this bit of information for quite a while, but Kakashi just wandered off, grinning under his mask.

~*~

Elsewhere, a nurse over in the ANBU ward was very confused as to why 22 of the women refused to reveal the name of the father of their children—their children all with the same dark hair.

They said that they wouldn't be able to track him down anyway, so it was pointless.

~*~

All the betting pools that Tsunade started fell apart, due to the true winner never being located.

Elsewhere, a certain fishy-man awoke elated as he saw the face of his long lost partner.

"Itachi!" Kisame exclaimed, "Where have you been?"

"I was abducted by a large number of horny females."

"Ooh…" Kisame said, mesmerized.

"I revived my clan." Itachi said flatly.

"I thought you hated the Uchiha clan…" Kisame said cautiously.

Itachi stared up into the sky.

"I shall start the clan over," Itachi continued, "They will no longer be called the Uchiha. I shall call them the Itachi clan."

"…" Kisame blinked, "So does that mean I should call you Itachi Itachi, now?"

Itachi stared at his Akatsuki partner.

"No, Kisame. That would be silly."

~*~

If there had been a winner, it would have been Itachi, who by some sort of irony revived the Uchiha clan—a task that Sasuke managed to fail at miserably.

Second place would have been a tie for Kakashi and Gai.

But, most surprisingly perhaps, was Naruto who made a come from behind victory in third.


	33. Final: Epilogue

**A** whole year had passed since it had all started. It was hard to believe.

At the one year anniversary of Tsunade's decree of the Konoha mating frenzy, Jiraiya had a special book signing at the local adult book store. The occasion was also a celebration of the release of his brand new volume in his adult novel series, _Icha Icha_. The new volume was entitled _Icha Icha Frenzy_.

As part of the celebration of the successful completion of the Hokage's three month plan, she temporarily lifted the age ban on the adult books—including Jiraiya's newest.

Later, as many of the shinobi of Konoha began to read the new _Icha Icha_ , they noticed something oddly familiar about the characters, and they were getting a sense of déjà vu as the events of the book unfolded.

During that three month time, Jiraiya had done _a lot_ of research on his fellow ninja. This led to Jiraiya getting many odd looks from his readers.

But at least it got him a thumbs-up from a giddy Kakashi.

~*~

Tsunade laughed at it all as she stood next to Jiraiya. She was surprisingly pregnant—considering her previously thought state of menopause—but she would wait and tell him later.

Now, she thought, it would only start all over again, for what she had neglected to tell them all was that the three _month_ plan was really three _years_.

~*~

> The End

~*~

_Flashforward_

Three years passed since the end of the decree passed by Tsunade for all of the ninja to pair off and procreate. But now, the population is out of control. Babies are popping out everywhere! Food and supplies are dangerously scarce! Desperate times call for desperate measures, and the new Hokage is forced to issue a very different decree: For one year a line will be drawn down the center of Konoha. The women will be restricted to one side, and the men to the other. For one year the line cannot be crossed. Can the ninjas of Konoha really go without sex for a whole year? Or… will they turn to _each other_?

**Author's Note:**

> [ You have blanket permission to transform, translate, remix, republish, continue in sequels, or otherwise create from my work, so long as the original is credited. You don't have to ask me first ]
> 
> [ I will never publish this work under any other title on any other site without mentioning the original. If you come across a copy of this work under a different name, I did not authorize it ]


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